“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
This quote has been resonating with me more strongly for the last couple of weeks than it normally does. The correct assumption would be that it was due to my birthday being the middle of this week. Of course another correct assumption would be that it was due to the fact that my entire life is currently caught in a tornado they call change.
Now I want to emphasize here that what follows in not me having a pity party nor am I looking for anyone to feel sorry for me, I am merely learning to accept what is and look for another path on which to walk. Half of life is being able to adapt . . . or in the words of my lovely maternal line, “suck it up and deal with it”.
On Wednesday I turned 37 and with it came some harsh realities.
For as long as I can remember I have been organized and driven. I know what I want and from there I figure out how to get it. This procedure works with most things. However it doesn’t work with everything. My dream and my goal have always been to be a wife and a mom. I worked hard as hard as I possibly could to give myself every opportunity to not only obtain this dream, but to make sure that I was prepared to be the best possible person for my husband and my children.
Of course I completely understand that none of that was wasted. I made some of the dearest friends anyone could ever imagine that will last through the eternities. I gained a fabulous education from not only a university but through life. I have been able to travel and see parts of the world that have enriched my life. I have come to fully rely on my Savior and gained a strong testimony of His gospel. See how the quote at the beginning suddenly becomes alive!
With the passing of time though I have come to grips with the fact that I will never have the opportunity to experience some of what this mortal life holds. I will never experience what it is like to go through pregnancy, or to give birth, or to hold a child that is biologically mine. If marriage does come at some point in my life, I will never be able to give him one of the greatest gifts of love.
See I know that physically it is still possible for me to do this, but I don’t think that it is fair. At this stage in the game there is much more that can go wrong. Selfishly I would put not only myself at such a high risk, but more importantly I would be putting a child at such a high risk because of my age and the fact that it would be my first child. Please don’t get me wrong, I fully believe that it is each couple’s choice and if they choose to get pregnant later in life I don’t judge. For me though, I don’t think it is fair to everyone involved to take such serious risks . . . and this is coming from someone who takes a lot of other risks in life.
It is a funny sensation to come to the knowledge that I have been in the mourning process over children, a life, that has never been mine in the first place. However I made marriage and children such a strong dream that I never thought that it wouldn’t be obtainable to me and so lived like it would happen. Now it is at a point where I have to set that dream away on the shelf and look for a new dream.
It is now about finding out what in the world I am supposed to accomplish in this life that will hopefully fulfill me and bring me as much joy as having a family of my own was supposed to.