Tuesday, July 31, 2012
“The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.”
I don’t think that statement is a full portrayal of how it really works. Sure we choose to open and close doors (metaphorically speaking of course) every single day. But what about the doors that are opened and closed by others around us of which we have zero control? I think that sometimes decisions get made for us. Fair or not fair isn’t the question. After all, life is not fair. It then comes down to how we choose to react.
I will admit that I am not always the best at choosing the wisest path of reaction. My ability to throw a complete and total two-year old tantrum still amazes me. As horrible as it sounds and as horrible as it really is, one of my weaknesses is immediately throwing my fists up at heaven in an utter rage. Good thing there is repentance.
My newest form of coming to grips with different situations is to stubbornly put my nose in the air and go do something that scares me. I’ve been struggling with something for a little over a week now and so Saturday I went to the bike shop and had them change the peddles of my road bike to clip-ins. I bought new shoes for the new peddles. Bring on the road rash!
Honestly I think that it is just doing something that I do have control of that makes me feel a little better. It is being able to make the choice and nobody being able to say no or that I can’t have what I want. My sense of loss doesn’t seem so daunting. It is a bandage for a gaping hole. I am quickly heading into a problem though . . . I am running out of things to do that scare me.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
"Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down."
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Brownies and ice cream please
There are times when there is a very fine line that must be walked. There are times when I want to forget that I know that and say everything that I feel. My heart screams at me to just say it regardless of whether or not it is appropriate, but my mind jumps in and stops me from saying anything at all. It’s a fine line to tell the truth and not lie so that boundaries aren’t crossed.
Sometimes I so wish that I didn’t know better or that I just didn’t care. My poor journal has seen that line crossed far too often. I don’t hold back at all in there. My older sister is actually on direct orders to burn every journal I own when I die. There is definitely not a need for anyone to be subject to my inner workings.
I know there is another reason that stops me cold in my tracks . . . FEAR. Rejection is a harsh pill to swallow. One would think that I am so accustomed to it that it would start to be manageable, but I am here to say that it actually gets more difficult. I’ve come to expect it, however that doesn’t mean I will freely offer it up. It must be asked for and sought after.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
“I don’t pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, love is having your heart fill with light and happiness when they walk into a room and smile at you.”
No I am not here to give anyone a lesson on being in love. After all, who am I to do that? My biggest epic fails come in the arena of romantic love. For me, I tend to fall in love by myself so I’m definitely not here teach anything because nobody should know how to do that. Let’s just say that my heavenly report card will not be even close to being full of As. However when it comes to loving the people in my life, hopefully without stepping on the toes of humility too sharply, I feel like I actually manage to do a fairly decent job.
Today there are so many reasons that it is a great day, but to me there is only one that truly matters because that one brings with it so many different facets. Things are currently racing through my mind and there is so much to say but this is where I have to stop. I know this will not make sense to anyone but me and that just has to be the way it is.
Thursday, July 05, 2012
“Even if you fall on your face . . . you’re still moving forward!”
Well I am officially under contract to purchase a home. I still feel like I am roaming around in the dark so my prayers have changed from “what next” to “if it’s wrong, please step in and stop it.” As much as I love the friend with whom I am staying I am SO ready to have back my own space, my own stuff and most importantly my own bed! Downsizing from a California King to a twin has not been the easiest transition. Not to mention that my feet hang off the end because I am a bit tall. It has honestly got to be a sight to behold.
I am also ready to not feel like I am in a constant state of transition. I have discovered that I am a roots person. I need to feel connected to my surroundings and it is a difficult thing to do when everything is up in the air. Having the last two months without a calling and not feeling like I belong to a Ward has left me hollow. I am ready to get back to serving.