Just Rannin' Around

2012-01-08T12:37:00.002-07:00

Dear 9:00 church,

Oh how I have missed you these last two years! Thank you for returning to my life and bring that joy back. I looked forward to this day and I’m so grateful for your arrival. I will savor every moment.

Love,

2012-01-04T16:28:00.000-07:00

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”

-Winston Churchill

I sometimes forget that I need to fasten my seatbelt for the holiday season because it always flies by in warp speed and with at least a little turbulence. Of course what fun would it really without that bit of shaking?!

With January here, there are a few things that I need to add to my list of things which I am resolved to do. My whole take on resolutions are that they need to be within the scope of being able to actually accomplish them. Yes, they should be things that require work and in the end make me a better person but they shouldn’t be completely impossible to reach.

I also have to take into account the fact that I don’t just see the need to make changes come January 1^st of each year. Throughout the year as I grow and accomplish I realize there are other things lacking that I need to do and so I add them in. In reality it because one huge cycle that hopefully results in me becoming a more well-rounded, good person in the end. I know without goals nothing will ever get accomplished.

This year I am tackling the Old Testament. I have read and studied this book on a number of occasions, but I don’t really feel like I know and love this book as much as I do the others. Having just returned from the Holy Land I want to dig into this book and extract the knowledge and jewels which I know it holds. It seems daunting and yet I am incredibly excited because I know what awaits me from my experiences with the scriptures on a whole.

My love of reading always gives a pull at my heart this time of year. New adventures await me in the world others have created and discoveries they have been fortunate enough to have made. This year I am taking a bit of a twist on my reading list. There are some of the classics that I read every year that will be read again. There are new books already on my list itching to be picked up and devoured. This will all happen, but my goal is to also read at least 30 C.S. Lewis books. He has written over 60 books and I am sad to say that I have only read about ten and five of those are the Chronicles of Narnia. He is such an amazing man with inspiring insight that I really want to take the time to appreciate his writings more. What’s your favorite C.S. Lewis book?

I started working toward this goal at the end of last year, but I will complete the goal this year so I believe that it is noteworthy for this blog. I signed up and will compete in my first triathlon this June. I am only signed up for a Sprint to begin. The idea is if I survive it and actually enjoy it to participate in an Olympic triathlon also. I must admit that swimming is by far my weakest sport. I have decided that I will only be competing against myself and just want to finish within two hours (really I am hoping to do it in an hour and a half, but will call myself successful if I am done before the two hour mark). There is much training that is going along with this goal.

With so many things pending in my life and not knowing where I am going to end up even being in this world, those are all the really solid things that I have for now. Of course I still have some yearly ongoing goals that don’t change that are still in the mix. Plenty to keep me busy in most aspects of building my life. My traveling will have to be done completely spontaneously which always make for a grander adventure with amazing tales to tell upon returning. Such is life when your life is being uprooted.

2011-12-16T12:21:00.002-07:00

“What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.”

With the decisions that I am currently putting into action, my eyes have really been opened to the fact that I thrive on stability. In my life I am able to face everything that I don’t have control over because I have roots that run deep and thick. The windstorms of life might blow some leafs off, heck it might even get a branch or four, but I stay firmly planted.

I have also discovered that I have had a warped vision of what is a root and what is a branch. As the winds have been blowing, I have been holding tightly to branches thinking they were roots. Mostly out of fear of the unknown, the fear of change, the fear of having to make decisions yet again on my own.

I have known for a while now that this needed to happen but I have been fighting it . . . kicking against the pricks as usual. It is easier to stay where I am. I am comfortable and in a routine. I have memories that are so precious to me that reside here. I know what to expect. Yet I know half of what I need to do. Got to love knowing just the half with everything else in the dark!

I purchased my home in January of 1999 . . . yes that was 13 years ago. I never intended to be there as long as I have since I figured that life would bring me a family and we would grow out of my small home. That didn’t happen. Instead I was blessed with some of the dearest friends of my life, memories I wouldn’t trade for anything, and wards and priesthood leadership that help shape who I am.

Today I am putting my home on the market. It is something that I have looked at as a root but is truly just a branch. It is a branch that is ready to come down. However it is a branch that is still painful to cut off. The only reason I am able to do it is because I know that it is time. I have felt nothing but peaceful about it since I finally stopped fighting it and made the decision.

Peace is what I feel about that decision . . . anxiety is what I feel about what I am supposed to do now. I keep myself sane trying to convince myself that it will take at least 18-months for it to actually sell and that will give me some time to determine what I am supposed to do next. My options are: buy a house somewhere in either Salt Lake or Davis County, move to a different State, or move out of the Country (Israel at the top of that list).

My greatest fear with this whole thing is that my house will sell quicker than I am ready to make a final decision. I suppose that a cardboard box under the viaduct is always an option. I’m doing what I know I should but it scares the heck out of me because I am completely blind as to what the outcome will bring. I can only pray that I really am doing what is right.

2011-12-12T15:25:00.002-07:00

Holiday Help Wanted: Currently hiring for left tackle position to cover my blind side. Must be able and willing to work Sundays.

I made a decision almost two years ago. That decision included that I was no longer willing to be set up. I am aware of the fact that 99% of the population of the world does not agree with my decision, but I am also incredibly aware that I don’t care. I don’t expect anyone to understand it nor do I think that I have any obligation to explain it. I suppose my mistake was expecting people to at least respect it.

I fully comprehend that it is the holiday season and all that entails being single during said time. I also know that people do and say things like this because they love me and want to “fix” my situation. They can’t fathom having to do things by themselves and it makes them uncomfortable to watch me do it.

Being single is not for the faint of heart. It is a learned art of deciding what the heart can handle from day to day (and sometimes even minute to minute). Such as, I have been invited to several holiday gatherings all of which I would love to attend but sometimes when the day is there and I know it is a day that I can’t handle being in a situation with all married people, I have to decide not to go in order to stay okay. So please don’t be offended if I don’t show up, I just didn’t have the strength in me. Know that I completely love and appreciate being invited and I fully intended on coming if I said I would be there. I am not a flake, just needing to keep my emotional well-being.

With all of that said, let me share the latest and greatest and why I need some covering.

I love my ward. I love being in a home ward. I love that I feel like I am there for spiritual feeding and not at the local meat market. I don’t worry about anything other than always being prepared to always teach any of the classes with only a two minute warning. I was not prepared for the unseen unsportsmanlike conduct after Relief Society on Sunday.

I was summoned by one of the couples out into the hall after the meeting. Standing there against the wall (as I found out during the introduction) was their nephew. Now I had zero game strategy at this point and just tried to be as cordial as possible since I had just been smashed head first into the ground. I didn’t receive any help with conversation. They did the brief introduction and then stood back with their chests puffed up admiring their fabulous set up skills and the guy . . . who had warning about why he was coming to their ward and couldn’t stop smiling once I walked out into the hall . . . stood there and barely gave me one word responses to any questions. Thank goodness for only 10-minute breaks in between classes and I was saved by an opening prayer. Trying again to be polite, I invited him to join us in Gospel Doctrine.

As far as I could tell, there wasn’t anything wrong or revolting about him. He was actually a fairly good looking man . . . not much to say and a bit awkward . . . but nothing horrible or that time wouldn’t fix. However, I am not in that place. I don’t have my heart to give. It wouldn’t be fair to pretend that I did. So setting it up so that I don’t have an option whether or not I meet someone is definitely a late, blind side hit. I don’t think giving them a 15-yard penalty for a personal foul would do any good though. No, I will just smile and pretend all is well knowing that their intentions were good.

2011-12-05T13:52:00.002-07:00

“Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishments.”

I can hardly believe that it is December! However since I have finished up all my Christmas shopping and just have the one last task of getting a few items sent off at the local post office, it must be. It feels like a warp-zone between January to December.

Well as I have been making plans for my annual get-the-heck-out-of-Salt-Lake New Year’s Eve trip, I realized that I have some posted goals that I need to make myself accountable for this year. So I pulled up January on my blog to keep myself honest and here are the results. . .

Temple: My goal was to continue attending at least once a week, but that I needed to attend an endowment session at least once a month. Results: Since there isn’t a temple in Jordan, Israel or Egypt . . . I did miss a couple of weeks of attending the temple. Although if I count visiting the Temple Mount in Israel, then I only truly missed one (okay that doesn’t count so I really did miss a couple of weeks). I was able to do at least one endowment session each month. One of the sessions I even was able to do in the Manhattan Temple.

Preparation: My goal was to put my affairs in order by having a Will prepared. Results: This was all signed, sealed and delivered before my birthday. I officially have a Will, a Trust, a Power of Attorney and all Medical decisions made and documented. This really made me feel like a grown-up!

Travel: Visit six new places, with at least one on my “must see” list. Results: I do believe that I FAR exceeded this. I hadn’t ever been to the Manhattan Temple before and then I went and saw more new and exciting things within my two weeks of vacation than I could even begin to count . . . this also included 3 “must sees” of Petra, the whole of Israel and the pyramids. Before the end of the year I will also be in Phoenix (as this is where I am going to New Year’s) and believe it or not, I have never been to Phoenix before.

Physical Fitness: My goal was to drop 20 pounds. Results: If this was all looking so shiny and almost perfect . . . well here is my big, fat failure. How much have I lost? Not one pound. Pathetic!! There is one shining happiness in the midst of it though is that I am in better shape than I ever have been in my life. I have been swimming twice a week, biking twice a week and running twice a week in preparation for a triathlon that I will be doing next year. It has been a bitter fight against my asthma every step of the way but well worth it.

Reading: My goal was to read 30 new books along with re-reading Jane Eyre, the Book of Mormon and the New Testament. Results: To date I have read 33 new books (more will be finished before the end of the year). I had re-read Jane Eyre before the beginning of February, the Book of Mormon soon thereafter and I finished re-reading the New Testament a week before leaving on my trip.

I think that I did okay. There are new goals being formed and old goals being re-worked. I can’t ever say that I am completely finished. I still have so many things accomplish, to learn and to overcome in order to be a better daughter, a better sister, a better aunt, a better friend, a better person. All I can do is continue to try.

2011-11-21T09:58:00.000-07:00

That is on the baking aisle.

I have been known to put some random things in my baking (like dog food . . . but that is an entirely different blog) but I just about lost it . . . first in disbelief and then in hysterical laughter when the checkout clerk told a customer that castor oil was on the baking aisle.

Common uses of castor oil . . .

It is used in soap.

It is used in inks for printing.

It is used to make plastic goods.

It is used as a lubricant.

But here is the use of castor oil where telling someone that it is down the cooking aisle really gets me laughing. . .

It is used medicinally as a laxative for constipation!

I bit my tongue for a second to control myself and then turned and looked at the people asking and suggested that they might actually have to look by the pharmacy since castor oil was not used for baking. I could hear the lady at my check out aisle stifle a giggle.

Baking with castor oil would definitely create some explosive affects!!

2011-11-17T16:32:00.003-07:00

“A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.”

I couldn’t help but write this blog. It might be one that some won’t appreciate, however it must be addressed. Why must it be addressed? Because I have been thinking about it and really it is my blog and I can address whatever I want (yes I just reverted back to being 6-years old).

This should probably begin with the disclosure that I have been really blessed in this aspect for most of my life. I didn’t even really start getting slightly concerned about it until three or four years ago. Considering that I am in my mid-30s, it is a much longer stretch of stress-free time than most.

Here is my issue . . .

I have gained close to 20 pounds within the last three or four years. It has come on slowly within that time and I have to admit that it drives me a bit crazy. However what really gets under my skin is the difference between looks of weight on males verses females. Let me explain.

Standing barefoot, I am 5 feet 10 inches. With that 20 pounds of newly found weight I am at 160 pounds. Now according to my doctor, that is exactly where my healthy weight should be (leave it to me to be right on the exact number of average). That being said, looking at myself naked I think that I really do need to lose that extra 20 to look and feel better. That is just the way that I see it. Then I started noticing a difference that really doesn’t sit well with me . . .

Because I have been swimming, biking and running a lot within the last six months I hear a lot of people discussing their height and weight. What I have taken notice to is that women at the same height but weigh slightly less or equal to a man still always look like they weigh more than the man. For instance, I have a guy friend that is exactly the same height as I am and he weighs 190 pounds, but if asked I guarantee that people would think that I weigh more. In all honesty I don’t see where they are hiding it and logically thinking woman should look more slender as there is a bunch of weight that she is carrying in her chest that doesn’t exist on men (well at least most men).

So we have two masses of fat that are accounted for that should make us look more slender through the body compared to a man at the same weight. So where in the world are they hiding it so that they look more slender than we do? Like my friend, 30 extra pounds than I yet he looks more slender. This is one of those unfair balances in this game called life that I really can’t wait until I can have an answer in the hereafter. The other being why is it that men tend to lose weight more easily and much faster than women.

Do you know the answer?

2011-11-10T18:57:00.000-07:00

Post Script

Sometimes when you think you are done, you aren't really. I actually think that much of life runs right along those lines. Anyway, I had a couple of people contact me disappointed that I didn't post certain pictures from my trip. With over 600 pictures I picked only a very few that went along with my posts. As I have thought about it though, they are right. So here are a couple more important pictures from my trip. If you want to see, please feel free to come and visit me . . . be prepared though because once I start talking about this trip it is difficult to get me to shut up.

So have you seen Indiana Jones? Well if you have this should look familiar

That is the Treasury in Petra. It was used in the movie as a backdrop.

The other pictures that people wanted to see are as follows:

Pictures does neither of these places any justice. Yes, I did walk right up to all these places and touched them all. Yes, I did go inside. It was really amazing!! They honestly take your breath away when you see them appear.

Hopefully this covers a little bit more. Now if you want to see more, you know where to find me. :)

2011-11-07T20:23:00.001-07:00

“Be thankful for all the small successes . . . . these successes may seem tiny to you and they may go unnoticed by others, but God notices them and they are not small to Him. If you consider success to be only the most perfect rose or dazzling orchid, you may miss some of life’s sweetest experiences.” -President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

There is a bit of sadness that comes with this post. I have finished typing all 34 pages of my notes from the trip. I have written in my journal that which needed to be recorded there. This post is the last thing that I need to write to completely record my memorable trip. That means that it is time to take my right foot out of Israel and be back home not only physically, but mentally also.

I have a testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I have a testimony of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I have a testimony of a loving Father in Heaven that is mindful of me individually. I have had a testimony for as long as I can even remember, it is a testimony that has grown and expanded as I have studied and prayed and gone through trials, tribulations and experiences. It has been stronger at some points in my life than others, but it is something that has always burned within my heart. I didn’t go on this trip to gain a testimony. What I gained was a new dimension to a testimony that I hold as one of my most precious possessions.

My eyes were open in a different way to the scriptures. Being able to literally see the places, to walk where the Savior walked, and to grasp actual distances awakened my mind. Ever read a story and loved that story and lived that story in your mind? Now imagine being able to actually walk into that story and in small part live that story that you love. The realness of it hit me straight in the heart and never let go. It is an opportunity that I truly hope everyone is blessed with in this life. The Spirit accompanied me throughout this trip.

I testify Christ did walk the streets of Jerusalem and that he did perform the many miracles that were recorded in the New Testament. I know that he lived his life perfectly and humbly choose to suffer the painful experience of the Atonement for me. He left me with an example to follow. He left me with a way to get back although I fail again and again. He broke the bands of death. He lives! He lives to be our advocate, our mediator and we will live because of his grace and mercy. He is my brother, my friend, my Savior.

How very grateful I am to have been able to have this experience.

2011-10-29T12:12:00.000-06:00

People fascinate me.

It has been that way since I was a very small child. My parents had to keep a tight rein on me anywhere we went or I would disappear. Not that I was attempting to cause them stress or even that I knew that it caused them stress, but I just wanted to talk to everyone that I met. There has always been a draw to connect with others, to be able to, in a small way, see how they experience life.

Traveling opens up so many more opportunities for me to really hear, feel, taste, see and touch people and their lives throughout the world. It is a gift given to me by a loving Father in heaven that knows me better than I do myself. From all my many experiences I have come to learn that I tend to find instant love and respect for the lands and the people whom I come into contact with. It gives me a greater understanding and testimony of the pure love of God for each and every individual on this world and on worlds without ends.

So it probably shouldn’t surprise me or anyone that knows me well that one of my favorite things about this trip was the people. I was longing to stay rather than coming home because I felt like I hadn’t had time enough just to be amongst the people. I know where to best spend my time next time I am able to visit.

One of the best places to be in their environment was Old Jerusalem. I was only able to spend time in the Jewish Quarter and the Muslim Quarter. It was entering into an entirely different part of my soul. These people are beautiful.

We happened to be there during the Feast of the Tabernacle which meant thousands of Jews were there to worship and celebrate. Although we were not able to actually touch the Wailing Wall because of the massive crowds in attendance, we were able to experience something more intense and spiritual. I believe it was the opportunity of a lifetime to witness thousands of Jews with their palm branches in their rituals. The rabbi would read, actually more like sing than read, over the sound system verses from the Torah and then the men in unison would repeat or answer with different verses (I couldn’t tell since it was all in Hebrew). I know need to spend some time studying the Jewish faith in order to gain a better understanding.

Walking through the Jewish Quarter, I was drawn to the children. Life there seemed so relaxed and happy. The one thing that I really wish I could have recorded was the children that came skipping down the street just getting out of school clapping and singing and laughing. I just didn’t think a picture would have captured the moment preciously and so I choose instead to just experience it.

While we were in the Muslim Quarter I was supposed to be with the group but other things quickly captured my attention. Small groups of men were gathered in circle together. I walked closer to get a sense of these wonderful people. As I got closer and took a seat on the steps leading up to the Dome of the Rock, I received a treasure for my memory box.

The oldest man in the circle would read (really sing) verses from the Qur’an and then the other men in the circle would either repeat or answer with different verses. Again I couldn’t tell since I don’t speak Arabic. It was so intimate and so rich with meaning that chills immediately ran the length of my body and I was drawn to sit and listen. My soul was touched.

Religion is such a personal and deep part of this world. Our testimonies are something that so many of us live and even something for which we would die. There have been so many wars and so much destruction all in the name of religion and yet sitting there I wondered why we just can’t just respect the beliefs of others. I truly believe that people are innately good and that they are just attempting to live the best way and up to the light and knowledge that they have.

I could honestly go on for volumes about the people. It is another witness to me about everyone being a loved child of God.

2011-10-26T19:35:00.001-06:00

It’s raining men . . .

I need to take some serious stock and a long, detailed look at whether or not I am living in the right country for me at this time. I have never had so much male attention in my life! It came from men between the tender ages of eight all the way through about sixty and it was non-stop. I couldn’t turn around without another comment or someone stopping me to talk. Call it what you want, but I called it flattering and quite hilarious.

Like I stated it started with the man sitting next to me on the plane ride over and it never did stop.

**By the way this is not in anyway to brag because I am still beside myself in shock and disbelief that it happened. I really have never received so much attention in my life. Honestly when it comes right down to it I really believe that it had nothing to do with anything except that I have blue eyes and they don’t see them that often in their country. The other things that I attribute it to are the facts that I am an American and I was one of three under the age of sixty without a husband at my side. Really I am not under any false disillusionment and know that once men get to know me they run fast and far . . . it wouldn’t take them long to figure that out . . . no matter which country I lived in.

There were so many daily incidents that I am just going to highlight a few of them. This is all just as a record for me because it was an odd turn of events and no matter how I look at it . . . it was a part of the trip that just shouldn’t be forgotten. I wasn’t really positive where else to document it.

First my favorite

It happened on the streets in Bethlehem. We had just been to visit the Church of the Nativity and were walking down the streets back to the buses. The cutest little boy, who couldn’t have been any older than about eight stepped in front of me, looked me straight in the eyes and said in broken English, “Hello, I love you!” It melted my heart. I was shocked that he wasn’t selling anything and just continued on his way down the street.

In America we don’t learn how to barter. Almost all other countries barter and I will admit that I am TERRIBLE at it. I don’t know how to do it and it makes me uncomfortable because just tell me what the price is and then I will decide whether or not I want it. I would rather not buy anything than have to barter. Well I guess that when you have a captive audience that can’t take their eyes off you, you don’t have to barter because they just want to give you things.

We stopped to shop for a while and there were two guys behind the counter that were in their early 20s. I was looking at some olive wood carvings and they were talking to me about where I was from and what it is like here. There were a few others from the bus standing around that were bartering with them on the same items that I was looking at while we were talking, so I was aware of what they were offering others. When I finally choose a couple of pieces that I wanted they looked at each other and had a short discussion in their language and then wrote a price on the paper that was less then what they had given anyone else. I paid them and went back and sat on the bus. A few minutes later one of the ladies from the yellow bus stuck her head in and said, “Um those guys are frantic because they don’t get your address and phone number and they want it.”

I got held up at every security check not because they were concerned about me being a trouble maker but because they wanted to look at me for a few extra minutes. I even made a few of the security people blush just by smiling at them. The best time was as I was going to board a plane in Cairo. There were three men all about my age sitting behind the monitor watching the x-ray machine to make sure there was nothing in our bags that shouldn’t be carried onto a plane. I had set my bags down and walked through the metal detector when they stopped me and waved me over.

Very seriously they were pointing at things in a bag that they said I was very bad for having and trying to get on the plane. Honestly I couldn’t even tell from the monitor what they were showing me. After a couple of minutes, Annette, who was waiting to go through finally called out to me and said holding my bag up, “Brenda, your bag isn’t even in the machine yet.” At that the three men burst out laughing. They were totally just giving me a hard time. I joked with them for a minute about tough security and then one of them looked and me and said, “You’re just so beautiful we had to stop you.” I thanked them for the entertainment and finally was able to get through security.

I had men giggling like little girls all over three countries and I have been kissed in the most random locations by perfect strangers. Yes, I can even say that I have been kissed in the great pyramids. It definitely kept a smile on my face.

The last stand out incident actually lasted the entire week we were in Israel. One of our bus drivers took a liking to me. He would find me and give me a hug every morning and at the end of every night as they dropped us off . . . even if I wasn’t on his bus that day. He got concerned as the week was wrapping up and told me that he needed a woman like me. I laughed and jokingly said that it was a really long distance between Utah and Israel. He jokingly then told me that if I wouldn’t move there, he would move here because I would be worth it. I had to smile. He made my week.

As we were exiting the bus at the boarder for the last time he found me in the midst of collecting my bags. He gave me a long hug, a kiss on the check and then pressed a slip of paper in my hand. I opened it and he said, “That is my address and phone number, please you have to write me.” Then he threw me back into a hug and said good bye. It was so cute. It’s not often that I have someone care that much whether or not they ever hear from me again. It made me feel good.

Well those were some of the highlights of my couple of weeks of being desired. No worries, I am aware that this is one of those once in a lifetime happenings and I won't let it go to my head.

2011-10-25T18:16:00.002-06:00

Having traveled as much as I have and never having an issue of any kind, I was not prepared for the plane ride that I received. Of course it started out normal . . . well normal maybe a bit of a stretch.

Annette and I were not seated together on the plane. We are big girls and were fine with that knowing that we would be either reading or sleeping most of the flight anyway, it just didn’t matter who was sitting next to us. However upon boarding the little old lady sitting next to me was frantic that she wasn’t sitting by her friend. As luck has it, her friend was actually sitting next to Annette so I graciously gave up my aisle seat and sat in the middle with Annette on my left and what would soon become my new fast friend on my right.

I spent the next two straight hours chatting with the gentleman to my right. He was from Jordan and was currently living in New York but going back home to visit his mom. He told me all that was wonderful about where I was going and the places that I really shouldn’t miss visiting while over in his country. Then the personal questions started coming which I tried politely to side step as much as possible. Regardless his personal space slowly started to disappear and invade mine. He suddenly couldn’t talk to me without having a hand on my knee or arm or hand. His shoulder was casually resting on mine. All I have to say is that it is a really good thing that I don’t have much of a personal space bubble or it would have been miserable. Luckily he finally got tired and decided to go to sleep.

Right around that time my stomach started not to feel so grand. I told myself that it was nothing and went to sleep. About an hour and half later I woke up really not feeling well and feeling extremely trapped in a very small space. I made it about another hour or so before I couldn’t hold onto my dinner any longer and I was miserable. Never before have I needed one and the only time that I did . . . not a bag to throw up anywhere to be found and everyone sleeping around me. The plastic bag taken off the blanket the airline provided would just have to work.

So it was only six hours into a twelve hour flight and I was not a happy camper and I was just feeling more and more miserable. Not a good thing to start watching the time ticking down when there are still six hours left. It makes for a very long flight. After a while I still wasn’t feeling well at all. My mind started swimming and tears started forming because all I wanted was off that plane and in a bed. It took me some time before I realized that I had a whole plane full of priesthood holders. Ever ask a stranger for a blessing in a plane? I can now say that I have.

About an hour before the plane landed and way too many trips to the bathroom later (sorry Annette for climbing over you so much), I started to feel better. The gentleman sitting on my right finally decided to come out of his sleep and immediately the chatting started up again. As we were sitting waiting to exit the plane he handed me a wad of money. Not US dollars but money I didn’t recognize. He told me it was Egyptian money. So I did what I thought he wanted and looked at it and said it was cool and attempted to hand it back to him. He would have none of that. It was a gift he said and I needed to keep it so I could buy something in Egypt. He told me that the 30 pounds that I had in my hands wasn’t much anyway and that he wouldn’t accept it back. At that point I didn’t want to be rude and really couldn’t think of how to politely force him to take it back, so I just said thank you. Not even 24-hours into the trip and strange men were handing me cash, oh if I had only realized that this would be the beginning of a hilarious tale.

It wasn’t until we were waiting to collect the luggage that Annette admitted that she wasn’t feeling all that well either. As we discussed it, the conclusion that we came to was that eating clam chowder in New York had given us a bit of food poisoning. I discovered that the worse place to have food poisoning is 35,000 feet in the air, stuck in the middle seat on a twelve hour flight with everyone sleeping. Something that I hope nobody else ever has to experience.

We arrived in Amman, Jordan at 4:45 pm their time and immediately handed over our passports and went to collect our color coded luggage. Color coded? The tour company had assigned us to one of two buses . . . it was either red or yellow. Somehow they just knew that I wouldn’t be happy on any color but red and had been so assigned. I quickly learned that the red bus was the fun bus and I would come to love so many new friends on that bus.

We finally got to our hotel and checked in and called it a night.

**This is the last post that is going to give you a daily run down. If you want a day by day, you will just have to come and visit me as I have typed up everything that happened each day and will be putting with the pictures that go along with it. Instead on here I am going to break it down into sections of happenings so that I can record it on a different level than I did with my pictures or in my personal journal. I am hoping that the three different perspectives will somewhat do justice to the trip.

2011-10-23T08:59:00.000-06:00

I once took a quiz on USA Today and this is what it said about me . . .

“You are culturally adventurous in all walks of life and love to explore different avenues of tastes and trends. Because your body is also important to you, you look for flavors that are unusual but still healthy and delicious, and you are constantly on the lookout for the next food trend. You are an emotional spirit and you make really strong connections. Good friends and lots of laughs are the recipe for really happy days. And nights!

You’re sophisticated and inquisitive with a real passion for art and culture. You pride yourself on being an early adopter of the latest music and films and always like to have a good book on the go. Your ability to bring together very diverse and even dissenting opinions is rooted in your appreciation for all points of view. You believe in immersing yourself in interesting experiences that make you look at people, places and opportunities from new angles. Being sensitive and creative you want to feel connected to the world around you and actively seek out opportunities to explore it. It’s all about broadening your horizons and living life to the full. Anything else would not fulfill your curious nature.”

I believe that I just had one such adventure. Oh where to begin . . .

Part 1:

The red eye flight into New York, I guess that is where one should begin . . . at the beginning. Honestly I don’t remember much about the flight since I sat down and immediately went to sleep. Landing at 6:15 am is just about all that my memory now can recall. It was the adventure looming within my grasp that had my full attention anyway.

Sometimes I am smart and this just happened to be one of those moments. I had made reservations for a hotel room. It was a hilarious thought to me that I had rented a hotel room by the hour . . . made me giggle a bit thinking about the implications that go behind doing that. The irony of that exact thought didn’t lose any humor when the mission president and his wife came and picked me up from said hotel. It is probably wrong that I find it so funny, but I will fully admit that I can’t help but think that it is.

Anyway . . .

I was more than excited to be able to spend some time with President and Sister Nelson. He wrapped me in a huge bear hug when I walked out to meet them. There is almost nothing that warms my heart more than a hug. I have missed having him here for the past two years and the ability to go to his home any time I was needing a hug and a listening ear that truly was concerned about me. He exemplifies for me what a priesthood leader should embody.

He took us to breakfast and we were able to catch up on how their mission has been going and they were able to catch up on our lives at home. Although I would have loved to have spent all day with them, it was transfer day for the mission and he had to go meet with some of his missionaries. He again enveloped me in a hug and then very fatherly told me to be very careful in the rest of my travels. Then he gave us directions to the Manhattan Temple and set us on the subway to continue on our journey. That was definitely the best way to start my vacation. I am a bit upset that in all the excitement that we forgot to take a picture . . . that however is so like me. I always forget to take pictures.

One of my goals in life since I was rather young was that I wanted to do work in every temple. That goal used to be much more attainable since there were only around 70 temples when I decided that and most of them were in the United States. Now there is almost double that amount and it is a bit more of a daunting task especially since there are four to five more temples announced every six months.

The Manhattan Temple is pretty amazing. It is on an extremely busy intersection and yet when you enter the doors, all noise disappears. It is one of the smallest temples that I have had the opportunity to visit. It is on a couple of floors along with the chapel on another floor for Sunday services. The feeling of being in a sacred house of God was the same as every dedicated temple on this earth no matter its size or location. I was again reminded through the Spirit that the work of the Lord carries forward wherever the authorized priesthood resides. That is a very peaceful, comforting feeling. The session was beautiful and my heart was touched and reminded of things that I know.

After the session (this time remembering to take pictures), we went to grab something to eat before heading back to the airport for our flight to the Holy Land. Let the adventures begin!!

2011-10-03T12:59:00.002-06:00

“All athletic contests have boundaries, lines drawn on the floor or on the field within which every participant must stay in order to compete. The Lord has drawn lines of worthiness for those called to labor with him in this work. Whoever you are or whatever you have done, you can be forgiven. Come join the ranks.” -Jeffrey R. Holland

I have been pondering a lot on the repentance process. It hasn’t just been recently. It has been a subject that I have wrestled with for quite some time now. In the past I have always been able to come to peace with repentance because I have been able to fulfill all the necessary conditions. This time I am lacking being able to what for me feels complete by not being able to apologize and ask for forgiveness from the other party.

I absolutely hate to admit when I am wrong or when I have done something wrong. I will full on admit that this is partly why I truly attempt to just make the righteous decision from the start. It saves me the pain and embarrassment that I know will come later. However because I am so not close to being perfect, I make mistakes small, large and everywhere in between ALL. THE. TIME. Try as I might, I fail. Sometimes I make the same mistakes over and over again to the point of frustration and wanting to throw the white flag up in defeat.

Circumstances being as they are I am having to live with the consequences of my decisions. A couple of stupid decisions that have cost me more heartache than I knew was possible and lost me so much joy. It is hard to step back and realize that there is a destructive pattern in your life. To be able to actually see each small flaxen cord that has been carefully wrapped around you from beginning to now is a frightening awakening. It is nobody’s fault but my own. I knew better. The cost has been more than I can bear. There is always a price with consequences and you never get to pick what they entail.

It will never get back to the right person just how sorry I am that I made the decisions that I did. That I would make wiser, better decisions if only it were possible to change them which would hopefully change the outcome. I take full responsibility for my actions and for my decisions. I know I need to live up to the higher standard and I completely failed to do so. Can I rationalize why I did what I did? Yes, but that would get me right back into the position I am now. I know nothing I can say or do will ever bring back what I have lost, but for what it’s worth I am deeply sorry and I know I failed you.

2011-09-19T15:05:00.000-06:00

“Be careful what you wear to bed at night, you never know who you’ll meet in your dreams.”

Actually I never know who will be in my dreams any particular night, but I am typically not shocked by who shows up in them. Sunday morning as I was emerging from peaceful bliss, my dreams were still swirling around me. Try as I might to stay in those dreams, I eventually ended up being fully awake.

However that doesn’t mean that I got out of bed. Instead I gazed up and watching the spin of the ceiling fan blades, contemplated the dream. I think that I was really analyzing me . . . the sensations that were enveloping me. If that doesn’t make sense think back to a dream that you had that was a nightmare whereupon waking, that sensation of fear is still very real within you. It happens with sad dreams when at times you can even wake up crying. Those very real sensations that cling to you even though your eyes have opened and the dream has dissipated.

The sensations were calmness, peacefulness, protected and safe, pure joy and love. The dream couldn’t have been any more simple in nature or short in length. It only involved me and a friend. I could have stayed in that dream forever and would have been perfectly content.

2011-09-14T09:36:00.000-06:00

“If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?”

I am taking on a challenge that is currently completely above my abilities. Why? Pathetic as it sounds, because it gives me something new to do. It is yet another way to keep my mind, heart and hands busy for a portion of each day. Not to mention that someone told me that I wasn’t capable and shouldn’t even attempt. That statement only made me dig my heels in. I am incredibly stubborn especially when someone tells me I can’t do something.

*This is where the teenage mentality of “I’ll show you!” kicks in and I still have yet to master the art of not getting sucked into it.

2011-09-02T23:08:00.000-06:00

I went to a fight last night and a football game broke out . . . .

Do blue and yellow make green? It is a simple question but those were the colors of the opposing team . . . blue and yellow that is, but if I remember correctly the color of envy is green. I am assuming that is what was making them so belligerent.

I have been faithfully attending University of Utah football games since ’94 when I moved up to Salt Lake. I spent most of those years in the Muss. After I graduated I still had friends that were attending and could get me tickets with the students. I stood the entire game and yelled until my voice no longer existed.

After many more years than is respectable to admit, I finally decided that I needed to take one more leap into acting like a real adult. I purchased regular season tickets outside of the Muss. The next couple of years I bounced around the stadium attempting to find seats that I really liked - - which for me not only included the view but the people around me.

I found THE seats four years ago. They just happen to be one row behind the visitor section. It proves to provide entertainment within entertainment. We have never had issues. The season ticket holders that happen to seat around that area do really well with keeping things within friendly rivalry. We take it as much as we dish it out. We have always been able to laugh and enjoy the banter. Not that football needs any help but little extra spice doesn’t ever hurt.

Enter the Utes into the Pac 12 as they welcome a team from the Big Sky Conference. Who? What haven’t heard of that conference? Don’t worry, you haven’t missed much. Just to give you a small taste of this particular conference, Weber State is a member and the 38 times that Utah has met on the football field with this conference the Utes have comfortably won 38 times. That is right, they have never lost. This facts was never brought up last night, it is just interesting to know.

There is one row right in front of me with Utah season ticket holders. There are a group of five with two married couples and one of their friends and the cutest family with three small boys. The row directly in front of them begins the visitor section. Last night that row spent the entire game turned around attempting to get a rise out of us and I don’t just mean friendly banter.

After three straight quarters of successfully ignoring them, they got out of hand and one of our fans lashed out at them. Once they got a rise, they went ballistic and their mouths went from PG13 to R quickly. I don’t think that I have heard the f-word so creatively or so frequently and I grew up on Dixie College campus. The dad had enough about two minutes after they began. He went to get security.

Here is my favorite part. When security came over and told them that they needed to calm down and stop swearing or they would be escorted out, the woman said (no kidding), “We aren’t f-ing swearing” and then turning to face us, “f you”. Way to prove your point. The thought went through my head that either she was a complete idiot or she really had no idea that the f-word is in fact a swear word.

We weren’t the only ones having issues. I saw more people escorted out last night than I have the entire time I have been attending games . . . including the time I spent in the Muss. I am hoping this was a one time occurrence and that the change of schedule is not going to be bringing this kind of carnage into our stadium on a weekly basis.

**On a side note, can I just say how incredibly convenient it is to have trax running almost outside my front door. It made getting to the game fantastic!

2011-08-25T14:04:00.000-06:00

“Life is a gift, and it offers us the privilege, opportunity, and responsibility to give something back by becoming more.”

Last night I spent the evening training a newly called Relief Society presidency for the Spanish Ward in my Stake. I walked away from that experience learning far more than I am sure that I taught.

The president has only been a member for a little over five years. Her councilors and secretary combine almost exceed six years membership. Two of them speak no English and the other two speak a little. Thankfully we had a translator there last night or nothing would have been accomplished because combine I think our whole presidency could maybe, just maybe complete an entire paragraph in Spanish if we were lucky. **I do know how to say “sign and date here” in Spanish thanks to my daily grind but I’m fairly positive that phrase was of no use last night.

Having served as a Relief Society president (and I had been a member all of my 26 years), I know how overwhelming it is accepting that calling. Being raised in Utah in the gospel, I was comfortable with and knowledgeable of the program and how things were to run and still felt inadequate. As I watched these sweet sisters last night grasping to gain some understanding of all the different aspects of their calling and what the Lord requires of them in these positions, my heart went out to them. I finally realized that these sisters only needed the two most important things of Relief Society blazing in their hearts and the rest would come with time and more training. The two things are: that everyone needs to know they are loved individually and that the pure truth of the gospel is taught at all times with the Spirit.

I know that I failed accomplishing those two things while I served more than I succeeded, but through that opportunity I learned the eternal, spiritual importance of them. Last night I awoke to the fact that they are ALWAYS important to life as a general rule and that I was still tripping and failing.

When I was first called I was in the process of healing some very deep wounds of my own and I wore a band aid on my hand to remind myself that the Savior was helping me to heal and that I needed to also help others. I think it might be time to put on another band aid to remind myself to stop being so selfish.

2011-08-17T14:58:00.002-06:00

“When a girl stares at you . . . she is wondering why you are lying”

Last Saturday night I went to see The Help with a couple of friends from the neighborhood. We had a great time (even when I drove up the wrong side of the street) and the movie was good. We all had plans that whole day and so we had gone to a late movie that put us back home not until almost 1:00 in the morning. Little did we realize that the night was about to turn into a creepy adventure.

I pulled into my garage and after getting out of the car, the three of us gathered by my front door to continue chatting and planning when we were going to do it again and what to see next. It wasn’t long at all until we realized that we would soon be joined by a man walking our way. We all recognized him as the neighbor from across the street but something just didn’t feel right.

He came over and told us that he was lost (drunk would have been the correct word, but whatever). We pointed him to his front door that was no more than 30 yards from where we were standing and then continued our discussion with a bit of weirdness in the air. I noticed that he didn’t go into his house but instead went into the home two doors down from his. It wasn’t another minute before three men were walking our way. At this point we weren’t in a position to safely disburse to our own homes (safety in numbers right?) and so we formed a tighter circle and the nervous tension went up by a million.

They asked if they could join us. Really? We told them politely that we were all heading in because we just finished up a discussion. Still they stood there and tried to make small talk with us. I was grateful when I realized that one of my friends had pulled out her cell phone and was texting her husband. She pushed send and 30 seconds later he was standing outside his front door which also happens to be right next to my front door. Man were we all grateful to see him! Although I still don’t think that they got the hint. Awkward! Weird! Creepy!

I didn’t sleep very well that night. Since at least two of them were neighbors and are aware of the fact that I went into an empty house that normally just has me in it. I hate the fact that it makes me feel vulnerable, unsafe, unprotected and very alone. Sad that I checked outside the next day before leaving just to make sure none of them were out there.

2011-08-11T14:07:00.000-06:00

Sometimes the happiest place on earth is right at your very own mailbox . . .

Disneyland was a blast! It was definitely a whirlwind full of delicious food, action packed movies, great friends, lot of laughs and fast, thrilling rides. It was amazing how we timed everything just perfect and didn’t really have any long waits for any of the rides. The longest wait I believe that we had was for Screamin’ at California Adventures and I think that one only seemed long because it was so blasting hot. Never a happy moment when you can feel the trickle of sweat dripping in places that you can do nothing about it (overshare I know so sorry). It was a great way to usher in the 30^th year of a friend.

I realize that Disneyland is supposed to be the happiest place on earth and it might just be that some days. However on Tuesday this week the happiest place on earth was at my mailbox. I’m sure it was quite the sight to see me doing a happy dance while waving the manila envelope over my head, smiling from ear to ear. Ute football season is a mere 21 days away and my season tickets are here! They always make picking up the mail at least one day a year a spectacular event.

Now down to business . . . who wants to come to a game with me? There are six home games that are up for grabs. Also, anyone interested in attending the USC – Utah game with me in September in Cali?

Go Utes!!!

2011-07-28T12:35:00.002-06:00

“I won’t feel sorry for myself and blame God. I’ll just live a different life than the one I dreamt of.”

For outsiders looking into my life I would dare say that they think that I enjoy running. I am so not one of those people. Yes I run at least three times a week and last night I even ran six miles, but that doesn’t mean that I find joy in the sport. I run because I want the body of a runner, it eliminates stress and it is something that I can do safely in the comfort of my own home. Since I have been running for over seven years now it is a safe bet that I will never find my happy place while running, however since I don’t hate it I will continue to do it.

I have found a love of road biking the last couple of years. It was a hard transition for me because I have been mountain biking since high school and completely love the thrill of the sport. However once I came to the understanding that they were different beasts completely and I got over my thought that it would be a betrayal to my mountain bike, I found a new passion. This is something that I can jump onto and completely lose myself in and before I know it biked 20 or 30 miles (and this is only because my butt starts letting me know it is a tad bit uncomfortable). The down side to biking is that I feel like I need someone else to go with me. It is a safety thing that my sweet dad beat into my already overactive imagination.

On Monday since it was a holiday and I didn’t have to find my way into work, I instead found my way up a mountain. Hiking is another activity that I totally enjoy but don’t feel comfortable doing by myself for safety reasons. So with a friend in tow we headed up Millcreek Canyon to find our way to the top of Grandeur Peak. I was so incredibly proud of myself because I only had to stop once to let my lungs reopen. I believe that is a record for me. I was so ecstatic that I was planning to hike Mount Olympus this season on the way down. Let me know if you want to join me as this chicken-little won’t do it by myself.

Oh and don’t be jealous but in five days I am flying out to California to go to Disneyland. It isn’t a long trip actually not even lasting 48-hours, but long enough to celebrate a couple of birthdays and home again and back to work. Why? Because I can . . . frequent flyer miles = free flights is one of my favorite treats. Fun little mini vacations that take me away from the reality of life.

Bigger vacations are looming closer. I have to remind myself from time to time that it isn’t close enough to begin packing yet. However it is close enough that I have already started looking at my next destination. Fiji anyone? That is where I am really thinking that I will be heading next year. I need to do some serious scuba diving and that seems just like the perfect destination. Plus I haven’t been there and there is a temple located there as an added bonus. I do travel by myself, but not out of the country so someone will need to join me on this adventure. I am ready for more stamps in my passport.

2011-07-19T00:01:00.008-06:00

“You know that place between sleep and awake? That place where you still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you. That’s where I’ll be waiting.”

. . . brownies and vanilla ice cream

. . . lots of smiles and laughter

. . . too many phone calls to number

. . . football, football and more football

. . . notes left on my car and decorations on house

. . . church, being there and having gospel discussions

. . . traveling – Moab, Idaho, Mexico, New Orleans, Chicago

. . . so many hugs that still warms my heart

. . . temple open house

. . . talks about anything and everything

. . . yes, even dancing – I remember

. . . tears, happy and sad

. . . music

. . . food, eating in and eating out

. . . movies and plays

. . . taking turns soothing heartaches

. . . spending time with family

. . . just taking drives to drive

. . . blogging

. . . post cards and letters

. . . fighting

. . . service

. . . early mornings and late, late nights

. . . encouragement and understanding

. . . so many friends and wishes

. . . sweetest kisses

. . . stories – past, present and future

. . . camping and biking

. . . birthdays and holidays and happiness

. . . counting the seconds

. . . trust

. . . love

and that is just 32 . . .

2011-07-11T11:43:00.000-06:00

Random question - but it is free slurpee day so random questions are allowed . . . .

What are the most fun or creative or memorable adventure(s)/experience(s) that you had while you were single?

2011-07-05T16:13:00.002-06:00

“I’ve always been spontaneous and outgoing . . . I’ve tried lots of things so I’ve got some good life experience, which is great because it means I’ve got lots of material to work with.”

I’m always up for a new adventure. Sometimes it gets me in a bit of trouble. Sometimes I do things that I shouldn’t because I don’t think before plowing forward. Maybe I should start my own program . . . . “Hi my name is Brenda and I am an adrenaline junkie.”

The positive is that it doesn’t have to be dangerous for me to get that adrenaline pumping . . . it just has to excite me. Any time I get near an airport my toes start to tingle. I have been known to jump on a flight and take off without even a day of planning. I have been known to fly to California for 12 hours just to play for the day with a friend. Riding my bike has become a new kind of adventure. Twice this weekend I jumped on my bike and did 20-mile rides with friends. Oh there is so much that makes my juices flow which I pursue because it makes me feel alive if even for a while. Believe me when I say that I have done some stupid things and I truly believe that I have disappointed and hurt those I love because I wanted to feel. Owning it . . . working on it.

However it also leads me to so many adventures that I think far too many people allow themselves to miss out on. Too often I find myself telling people that I am boring because daily duties and responsibilities are always hammering at my door, but looking at my life I am far from boring if you don’t focus on the day to day. I doubt my adventure card will ever be filled since this world offers so many opportunities, but I do have quite a few stamps already collected.

28 more days until Disneyland . . . why am I going? Why not!

2011-06-22T13:15:00.002-06:00

“I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender . . . all you do is say what it does and add “er”. I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps things fresh. Well, that’s a fresher . . . I’m going on break.”

Ode to the cooker 1999 ~ 2011

Nicknamed the Oven, my beloved appliance passed away at home on June 21, 2011 in a blaze of glory (Literally. I turned it on and sparks were flying all over and then it just gave up). It was not an expected passing and thus the mourning is felt heavily in each pocket. He did live a long and full life, devoted to his one love. He enjoyed long, lazy Sunday afternoon slow roasting sessions to hot and steamy stir fry. Even as his health declined, he remained active and determined.

Funeral services are yet to be determined.

“Brides wear white because it’s the most popular color for kitchen appliances.”

2011-06-17T11:57:00.000-06:00

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’”

I know something that I wrestle with on a daily basis. Some days it makes me happy. Some days it makes me sad. Some days it makes me content. Some days it makes me feel guilty. Some days it makes me angry. Some days is makes me cry. Some days it gives me butterflies in my stomach. Some days it makes me pray harder. Some days it makes me patient. Some days it calms my fears. Basically it is something that puts me through every single emotion that a human can experience . . . and usually more than one per day.

2011-06-10T14:28:00.002-06:00

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

I currently have two very visible bruises on my leg. I gained said bruises fighting with a pole (no, not that kind of pole . . . get your mind out of the gutter). The pole won. I went away wounded and it was unscathed.

Now I don’t know about anyone else, but when I have a bruise I have this overwhelming urge to poke it . . . just to see if it still hurts. Stupid right?! Yet there it sits all black and blue, calm and dormant until a bit of pressure is applied. Only then does it scream out in pain.

Another type of bruise has become overwhelmingly visible to me. I realized it only after a name was mentioned and I immediately felt the blood rushing from my heart through my body at quickening speeds and my hands automatically curl into fighting position.

For the most part I am a forgiving person. I don’t see any reason to hold things against people assuming that no harm was viciously meant. I let almost all things just roll off my back and truly forget it even happened. My theory is why spend my time worrying about things which I have no control and I definitely have no control over the words, feelings and actions of others.

I discovered there are exceptions to that theory of mine. I had to fully face it as it was poked and the pain came rushing back. I have come to terms that there are a handful of people that I have never forgiven. These are people that I don’t ever think about but when they are mentioned the above described reaction occurs.

As I have taken on the task of fixing the situation, I am finding that it is extremely more difficult than I ever could have imagined. Why? I honestly feel like these few people honestly set out to inflict pain. Knowing full well exactly what they were doing and proceeded with malicious intent. How does one go about forgiving that?

I am fully aware of all my weaknesses, most of which have come up to bite at me over the last while with brute force. I know that I am not innocent in the game of life . . . not by a long shot. So now I just need to forgive and let go after all they are years and years in the past. It does me absolutely no good to hold onto these feelings.

I am trying.

2011-06-02T16:49:00.000-06:00

I wonder at my own sanity

Another leadership position was offered to me within a group to which I belong. More of my time is needed to fill this position. However with this position comes compensation. Not anything to scream about, but at this point can I really turn down some extra income? Who needs sleep anyway?!

Really my major concern is that I would be required to attend a three-day conference in Long Beach just two weeks after I have returned from an already two week absences from work. My clients would not be happy.

Would someone please draw me a line as to how much is too much to take on? I am not sure that I know.

2011-05-21T13:09:00.000-06:00

Judgment day - May 21st . . . at least that is what the billboard on my ride tried to convince me

38 miles in 2 hours and 40 minutes

It was a beautiful ride. I went by myself this morning (don't tell my dad). Typically Emily keeps me going at a good pace. Without her this morning I found a group of guys that my goal was to just not let them lap me. With where I kept seeing them, I only allowed them to get about 5 miles ahead of me. I was feeling pretty good about that. It sure helped that I popped my IPod on shuffle and cranked it up. As I turned to do the last 11 miles I couldn't help but smile as Barry White greeted me. Who knew he would make me happy after 27 miles! Although I am not going to be riding on June 11th as originally planned, I am still going to do a 60-mile ride . . . possibly next Saturday.

2011-05-19T15:48:00.000-06:00

“The difference between school and life? In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.”

It has been a while since I last blogged. It is definitely not due to lack of things happening in life right at the moment, but just the opposite . . . too many happenings and not enough time. It may or may not also be that I am not willing to expose some of what is occurring because I don’t know how to deal/feel concerning a few of them.

One of the major decisions that I have been kicking around is the option of selling my house. I am very much aware of the nature of the market right now. Actually I am probably more aware of it than most. I deal with the industry on a daily basis and for the first time in my life I come to work every day apprehensive about leaving not still being employed. I am in a position that I could sell my house. I still have equity in my house. Selling my house would mean the end of more than six monthly bills, get me completely 100% out of debt and put some extra cash in the bank.

I don’t really need a house. It is just me. I could find a nice basement apartment somewhere half the size. I’m not attached to the “stuff” in my house so it wouldn’t pain me to get rid of most of it. What I would miss would be my neighbors but they all leave eventually anyway to bigger homes as their families grow. Keeping in touch isn’t all that difficult these days anyway.

Sounds like an easy decision doesn’t it? Well it isn’t. There are other factors playing a role in the background. Here is me attempting to be vulnerable. The biggest one is that I feel like I would be giving up and surrendering . . . my failure out for everyone to see. I have to admit that in a way for me it would be the last of hoping; holding the white flag out for the world to witness my defeat.

I have always held onto the fact that I was successful and I had “stuff” in place of what I really desired to have. That made me worth something to the world. In the far reaches of the back of heart and mind I knew those things ultimately didn’t matter, but it was/is all I have to show for these 36-years of life. I had to give it credence. I don’t have a loving husband and children to show off and talk about . . . I have a nice home and stamps in my passport. It was/is the red-headed, stepchild stand in (not that I really have anything against red-headed, step children but you catch my drift right?).

Now least you fear that the pity party is being thrown in my honor far too often, don’t worry. I am becoming more and more at ease with where my life is and the pathway on which it seems hell-bent to stay. I enjoy far too much how selfish I am allowed to be say on Saturday mornings when I can sleep in a dark, quiet bed to my heart’s content, spending however much money when and where I please, picking up and leaving town without any previous planning at the last second, having to answer to nobody and on and on and on. It isn’t all bad and I know that.

To sell or not to sell? That is the question.

2011-05-04T11:06:00.000-06:00

“Time doesn’t always heal: it just breathes and swallows memories like the seasons change – sending showers; beating flowers into the mud. And nothing is forever in this place. Nothing but the way my heart fits into your hands; the held breath of hope.”

Finally the sweet fragrant smell of spring was inhaled into my body and soul last night. I have been waiting for that first real sign that it was honestly here. As I was walking and pondering, I was suddenly met with a wall of the intoxicating aroma of lilac. Lilacs are my favorite flowers and I am powerless to be anything but full of love under their presence. They just make me happy.

Lilacs in a way are my kryptonite – just don’t tell anyone.

I didn’t want to leave that spot (which wasn’t a good thing because I was standing in a parking lot) and paused to inhale several deep, cleansing breathes causing spectacular sensations to flow through my mind and body.

Spring has finally made it!!!!

2011-04-25T11:49:00.000-06:00

“Life is a long lesson in humility.”

Have you ever been publicly flogged? Now I have had more than my fair share of public embarrassment, including slipping on a stage while preforming with a concert band in front of an entire auditorium full of people with my skirt flying up around my waist. No I am not exaggerating it is quite a funny story . . . now. That isn’t all. I just don’t epitomize the definition of grace and therefore have to live with the consequences.

However I must admit that I will take public embarrassment any day of the week over a public flogging. Let me explain how I now know the difference.

Let me begin by stating the obvious for anyone that knows me even slightly . . . I am an incredibly private person. I just don’t share my personal thoughts and feelings with anyone. There is a part of me that nobody gets to know. I think a few people have seen bits and pieces of it, but with very, very few exceptions I keep things to myself. I am not scared to admit that I do it out of fear and self-preservation. Maybe it isn’t right, but it’s done nonetheless. Walls, walls everywhere! Walls nobody gets to penetrate.

Yesterday I was scheduled to teach a lesson. I fretted over the subject matter but only because I have been in too many lessons concerning these topics to know that they can easily run marathons along tangents that drive the Spirit away and offend class members. Naturally I didn’t want either to happen. The topics of discussion that I was given to teach were on being judgmental and pride. Take a huge bit out of that and swirl it around your mouth for a while and see how it tastes.

I was ever so grateful to have a friend in the class and I privately asked to help me keep the lesson on target. It put me at ease having her there.

The discussion was going so well and I was pleasantly surprised that it was sticking spiritually to the subject matter. I wasn’t ready for what happened toward the middle of the lesson though. Of course who is ever ready for a preverbal 2x4 to the back of the head?

A comment was being made concerning pride. As I was attentively listening tears flooded my eyes, I couldn’t breathe and an overwhelming feeling a pain hit my heart to the core. I honestly wanted to excuse myself quickly from the room and go home. The word “guilty” must have been written in blazing red letters across my forehead. I couldn’t stop the emotion surging through me and so my very personal flaw became one for all to see a moment only after I myself discovered it. I felt like I had been stripped naked and whipped.

As I logically look at it now a bit removed from the situation, I realize that it is probably the only way that I would have ever admitted it to even myself and probably would have never admitted it to anyone else as I would have swept it behind the walls and just fixed it.

Our shortcomings, failings and mistakes sometimes are posted for all to see. I think the lessons learned out of such events are as unique as we are individually. The question then becomes are we going to allow it to drag us down and make us bitter or use it to better ourselves?

2011-04-22T10:20:00.002-06:00

Sometimes I can’t sit still because it opens pathways that are typically destructive.

It is probably a good thing that I never run out of things that need to get done. My week has kept me up and running . . . sometimes literally.

Saturday morning was an early start. I ran in the Salt Lake City 5K. I thought that it started at 7:30 and was more than a bit surprised when we got there at 7:14 to the end of the runners making their way up the street. It had really started at 7:10, so we had some catching up to do. Then the rest of the day was filled with a baby shower and friends.

Sunday I attended a few extra hours of church in order to fulfill my calling. I must say that to anyone that teaches, PLEASE don’t pick up the manual and proceed to do nothing but read it word for word and call that a lesson. I was a little more than bored and very much concerned. I may be wrong (it has happened once or twice) but I don’t think that anyone gets spiritually fed through this method of teaching.

Monday night I ended up being on the phone most of the night helping a couple of friends that needed someone just to listen and love them. I am always amazed and incredibly honored when they choose to trust and confide in me.

Tuesday night I went on a 30-mile bike ride. We are attempting to add 10 miles a week to our rides in order to be prepared. It was happened to be the only days with halfway decent weather conditions. I am now fairly confident that I should invest in the bike tube industry. I got a flat tire. Luckily a nice man stopped and had us up and moving again quickly.

Wednesday night was Stake Auxiliary Training. I taught about the importance of training our Sunday teachers how to teach.

Last night I couldn’t sit still . . . actually I wouldn’t allow myself to since I knew it would be a bad thing. I did two loads of laundry (clean sheets are one of my favorite things), cooked a yummy dinner that entailed a lot of artichoke hearts and feta cheese, went grocery shopping and in between it all made some delicious zucchini bread with toasted walnuts. I definitely went to bed with a full tummy.

I still need to get my bike into the shop to have it tuned up. I really need to buckle down and get my lesson prepared for Sunday (practice what I preach or something like that). I also have a few speaking assignments coming up that I need to start looking at. I still have two of my six ladies on my visiting teaching list to connect with before the end of the month. Of course my first course of business is getting the activity for tomorrow done.

Sometimes I know that I make my hands busy so my thoughts don’t get in the way.

2011-04-21T02:55:00.001-06:00

“I’m going to smile and make you think I’m happy. I’m going to laugh, so you don’t see me cry.”

Time is a funny thing. No matter what is happening it is always constant yet we speak of it speeding up, slowing down and sometimes even stopping. In reality it does absolutely none of this. It ticks on not conscious or caring. I never imagined that 365 days would pass yet the loss just as present as if not even an hour had yet moved forward. Time happily passes onward for most without a thought backwards. It is me that will never fully recover.

“If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.”

2011-04-18T19:45:00.002-06:00

“The first principle of success is desire – knowing what you want. Desire is the planting of your seed.”

Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

I am SO ready for sunshine and warm weather. Friday evening after work was pleasant enough that I went and got my plants for my tiny backyard garden. With the help of the neighbor kids (who just thought it funny that I was playing in the dirt), I planted cilantro, basil, rosemary, parsley, thyme and mint.

Does anyone know if plants can drown?

I need the sunshine . . . any sunshine.

2011-04-14T15:07:00.002-06:00

“You doubt your value. Don’t run from who you are.”

2011-04-02T19:00:00.002-06:00

Surprisingly

I am not a naturally athletic individual. I know it. I admit it. However I do not bow to it. I refuse to give into it. It does mean that I have to fight for everything that I want to do in that sphere of my life.

The road bike came out bright and early this morning. I think that I shocked myself. Although it did take me an hour and a half, I managed to complete a 22 mile ride. The wind was whipping this morning and brought with it some difficulty. I do gratefully bring news of no rain! It was a first on this ride without rain, thunder and lighting. I was excited about that.

After my troubles on the last ride I took I was a bit anxious about this one since it was more than twice as long. All I will say is that after this ride I am ready to extend to a longer ride to ready myself for the upcoming event. I do want to get faster and think that it is more than possible. So if anyone is up for a ride and is willing to be patient while I build up but also helping to push me a bit . . .

2011-04-01T10:29:00.002-06:00

“There is no planning. On the night it is really great, it’s euphoria and if it is not so great, there is always tomorrow night.”

I don’t often think of myself as being a grown-up. I know I know I should but it is something that just doesn’t cross my mind often. Honestly I find when I think about it that I don’t necessarily put an age to myself and that I still feel like I am quite young. After all, I still find myself doing much of the same things I always have. Life hasn’t cycled for me in the direction that I have deemed in my mind as “growing up”. Sure one could argue that I am plenty grown up in the fact that I have countless responsibilities, but in essence my time, my money, my space, my decisions, my things are mine . . . no sharing required. I am not a proponent for this lifestyle as I deeply believe that life is a much more fulfilling when sharing one’s life with a companion and children, I am just making a statement as to why I don’t feel like I have become a full-fledged grown-up.

This morning I walked into work and had a flashback of a childhood memory that help put a smile on my face and a skip in my step. It honestly made me feel like I was playing dress up and was wearing clothes that didn’t fit.

Growing up my dad was a truck driver and my mom stayed at home with us. When we went to pick my dad up at work we walked into a large warehouse full of paper and forklifts. It was exciting especially when we were able to take home the ends of large rolls of leftover paper that allowed us to be creative at home. Well mostly we would do crayon outlines of our bodies because the paper was enormous. Needless to say we didn’t have much exposure to an office setting.

My parents did a lot to see that we were taken care of and provided for in the best possible way. Sometimes that meant that they did extra jobs to help bring in a little more income. One of those jobs was to solar film (yes I was raised in the ‘80s as that is what it was called then and not something as boring as simply window tinting) windows of office buildings. They used to take us along as they would do it on the weekends when the offices were closed and to could get into the corners of windows only tiny bodies could fit. Bet most of you didn’t know that was my first job.

Anyway, the office buildings were a wonder to me with all the desks and phones and conference rooms and dry erase boards. It all seemed so very sophisticated and glamorous. Who wouldn’t want to work at such a spectacular, fancy place?!

As I walked into my office this morning that recollection hit me full force. Anyone want to play else want to play dress up? It is really quite entertaining.

2011-03-21T13:29:00.002-06:00

“At twenty-five, girls begin to talk about being old maids, but secretly resolve that they never will be; at thirty they say nothing about it, but quietly accept the fact, and, if sensible, console themselves by remembering that they have twenty more useful, happy years, in which they may be learning to grow old gracefully. Don’t laugh at the spinsters, for often very tender, tragical romances are hidden away in hearts that beat so quietly under the sober gowns, and many silent sacrifices of youth, health, ambition, love itself, make the faded faces beautiful in God’s sight. Even the sad, sour sisters should be kindly dealt with, because they have missed the sweetest part of life.” -Little Women

So, so true.

2011-03-15T14:24:00.002-06:00

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”

–Winston Churchill

I have had a handful of people ask me how I am coming along with my goals that I blogged about in January. Thank you for keeping me honest and my feet to the fire. It is definitely a motivating factor knowing that I will be questioned. I figured the best way to truly continue forward and not just let those goals die slowly on the side of the road of life (because really there is not a whole heck of a lot of things that is as nasty as road-kill) was to be accountable and report. So sincerely . . . thanks for asking!

Here we go down the short road of the last two months . . . at least as it pertains to a few of my goals. I shot out of the gate full of enthusiasm and have gotten quite a bit done.

I have to say that one thing that I am quite proud of myself is that I now have one full year supply of food. The really bad thing is that I have no water supply minus what my water heater holds. I am not sure how to store water. Any suggestions?

I have been to the temple every week and I have even done one session each month. I still have yet to do a session in the Oquirrh Mountain Temple since it opened so I think that I need to add that to my list so that I have done a session in every Temple in Utah. I have also had the opportunity to teach five lessons with one more to go this month.

My Will, Trust and General Power of Attorney are drawn up, signed and put away for safe keeping. My taxes for the year have also been completed.

I have read one-third of the Book of Mormon. I have read Jane Eyre. I have also already read seven new books and I am in the middle of number eight.

There have been doctor visits galore. I have seen the dentist, the ophthalmologist and general family doctor . . . I still have to see the girl doctor. I have had three of the five shots done that needed to be completed for my trip in October. I have also had a mammogram completed. For anyone that hasn’t ever had one of these done (this is my second one that I have had – thank you family history for giving me the “opportunity” to have to start early) let’s just say that there is nothing like having a delicate body part pulled, stretched and squished all while having to distort your body position and then to top it off them saying “now don’t breathe.” I must have gotten a look of wanting to punch the doctor in the face because she said, “I’m so sorry that this hurts so much, but it wouldn’t if they weren’t so firm.” I looked her straight in the face and said, “So what you are telling me is that I need to get fat and flabby before my next visit?” At least we both laughed.

My trip to Jordan, Israel and Egypt is booked and paid for. I am still looking for a few small trips to take within the States. Not sure what those will be yet. Been anywhere fun and exciting that I should visit?

I am also registered for the 60-mile bike ride. After a 10-mile bike ride up in Logan a couple of weekends ago that was beyond embarrassing, I am more than a little anxious about this ride. Never in my life have I had a full asthma attack in front of anyone. It was personally mortifying, not the attack, but that someone else witnessed it. I figure that I have a way out at the 12.5 mile marker if I am struggling since that is where they turn the 25-mile bikers around. We shall see.

Surprise! I did something that wasn’t on the list but something which I have been looking at doing for a couple of years now. I now own property in St. George and officially I am a slumlord. My brother-in-law and I purchased a bank owned duplex. I now just need to put my hair up in curlers, gain 500 pounds and dangle a cigarette out of my mouth to collect the rent each month.

Now what hasn’t been going that great? Well I have only managed to lose 3 of the 20 pounds that I am shooting for. I think this will be my most difficult and frustrating goal. It would be helpful if I could stop eating sugar and bread, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it will probably not happen. I suppose I need to raise my workout time from 45 minutes to an hour and from two days a week to at least three if not four days a week.

Well that is where I am. A lot accomplished and yet so much more still left to work on . . .

2011-03-03T11:34:00.000-07:00

Last night was filled with incredibly strong impressions.

Yet . . . .

I am not in a position where I can do anything about them.

The Spirit knows that also but wanted me to be aware.

I prayed harder than I have in a while since that is all that I can do.

I am here.

Never before in my life have I received impressions from the Spirit where I wasn't able to act upon them.

For information only this time.

Why?

Be open.

2011-02-23T04:17:00.001-07:00

"Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing . . . I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness."

2011-02-19T19:41:00.000-07:00

"It is better to travel with hope in one's heart than to arrive in safety."

Is anyone going to Mexico anytime soon?

As I was baking, I sadly discovered that I am almost out of vanilla. I will admit that I am spoiled (and possibly a bit high-maintenance) when it comes to baking vanilla. What can I say? Not any old vanilla will do. Mexican vanilla has an aroma and taste that just can't be beat. I have tried to find another brand that I like just as well, but nothing else even comes even near comparison. The problem is that one can only obtain Mexican vanilla by visiting Mexico and bringing it back . . . nope not even on the internet.

So anyone going to Mexico anytime soon? I would be oh so grateful.

2011-02-16T18:40:00.000-07:00

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

After nine years of being in the same place, we are moving locations at work this weekend. I am actually really excited for the move. I like the layout of the new office better than the one we currently occupy. I like the location (even though it is not even a full block away) better mostly due to the fact that we will be much more visible and much easier to give directions.

The slight downside is that we have to pack up or throw out everything that has accumulated over the last nine years. I have been slowly going through drawers these last couple of days. It is amazing the things that I have “collected” and stored. A small list of things I found include a stash of miniature Mr. Goodbars, Hello Kitty stickers, a Happy Birthday sign, a tiara (don’t ask), and eight boxes of crayons all missing the exact same color. All I have to say is interesting day.

I threw the boxes of crayons away because really they just weren’t complete without that one color and a picture would never be complete without it.

At least I know that I will be getting a great workout this weekend moving everything as we are in charge of our own offices and then I am also in charge of the kitchen and the back supply room.

2011-02-04T11:58:00.000-07:00

I really like new toys.

Last night I was able to get my latest one put together. Now I can cross-train AND I am able to use my new bike more than just when the weather permits. I am super excited to be able to not only run in the comfort of my home, but bike. I guess I should really start working on that since I will be biking 60-miles at once in the next little while. Now my workout/library looks like this . . . .

Thanks Russ (and Emily for making him) for coming over last night and getting the bike hooked up!

2011-01-24T15:56:00.000-07:00

“It is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your frame. And if that boisterous channel came between us, I am afraid that cord of communion will be snapped; and then I’ve a nervous notion I should take to bleeding inwardly. As for you, you’d forget me.”

I am currently about 150 pages shy of finishing re-reading one of my favorite classics, Jane Eyre. Note that is was one of my goals this year and since I have already read my three new books for January, I decided that I had time to get lost in the 1800s and a story that I adore. There is a movie coming out in March based on this book and I am interested to see just how they project it on the big screen.

I will admit that I am a hopeless romantic. I am well aware that if someone could actually crawl into my heart and my dreams that they would die from lack of oxygen due to being unable to breathe from laughing so hard. I just can’t help myself. I want to be swept off my feet. I want to be taken care of and loved. This book probably doesn’t help me stay focused and in reality, but at this point, does it really matter anyway?!

2011-01-12T16:44:00.000-07:00

Reflection either shoves you into the fears of the past or propels you into the possibilities of the future . . . your choice

I was at a Christmas gathering in December chatting with a mother and daughter when I felt a tap on the shoulder. An older couple came over and introduced themselves to me. With the questions that they were asking me I realized that they had no idea my age. That is something that I am accustomed to especially within this social setting. I quickly told them that I was too old to be a part of the program that they were presiding over. After receiving the initial shocked look, them telling me that they thought I was 10 years younger than I am, the gentleman said something to me that I really took to heart and have thought a lot about. He said, “I hope that you are doing something with your life and not just sitting in a holding pattern waiting. Are you doing something good with your life?”

That was the springboard of starting to contemplate what I wanted to accomplish within the boundaries of the 2011 year. I am one that re-evaluates my goals and desires on a consistent basis, but a new year brings a feeling of a fresh start and a desire to dig back in. I am aware that when we keep our goals and ambitions to ourselves they are less likely to be achieved. Being held accountable by someone promotes motivation. Therefore I am going to place some of my goals on here hoping that I stay motivated. Other goals are far too personal and so they will be written down and shared with my journal and only One other. He always does a grand job of reminding me.

Temple: For years now I have made it to the Temple on a weekly basis. As I pondered this goal I considered several different options on how to take what has now become a habit and mold it into more of a growth opportunity for me. I immediately knew the change that I needed to make. I will continue to attend weekly, but at least once a month I need to not do initiatories and instead do an endowment session. It may seem like only a small thing, but I know that it will do me well to take the time to do an endowment session and then take time to ponder in the Celestial Room.

Preparation: I have made note lately that I really need to put my affairs in order just in case. I decided that I needed to have a Will prepared for such an occasion. This is only fair to my family.

Side note: I met with my attorney today. The Will and a Trust is in the works. All should be handled and put into place by the end of this month. Now I just need to tell my executor of the specific items that need to be given to an individual.

Travel: Pure joy fills my soul when I am able to explore the world. Whether it is a trip to a canyon ten minutes away or across the globe to an exotic land, my heart soars in the beauty and excitement of seeing new places and having new adventures. My goal this year is to get out and enjoy more of the world around me. It has been far too long since I wondered from the comfort of my home and discovered someplace new. Whether it be a new hike or bike trail, or traveling hours away on a plane, my goal is to explore six new sights this year with one being taking a “must see” off my list. Possibilities are endless and my passport is itching to be stamped at least once. Friends in other States, beware as you may just have company at some point during this coming year.

Side note: I have put down money and will be traveling to Israel, Jordan and Egypt later this year. I can’t even begin to describe how excited I am about this trip.

Physical Fitness: Although my family thinks that I am crazy (which I love them for thinking that I don’t have it to lose), I have decided that I want to drop 20 pounds. That would put me back to 140 pounds which is where I was when I left high school. I am finding that my scale keeps going up a pound or two as the years have gone by and it is time to put a stop to and reverse it. Running and yoga are going to come into play and I am putting it as a goal to do one or the other at least four times a week.

Side note: I have a very good friend who approached me on Sunday and asked if I would be willing to train with her and then do a 60-mile bike ride with her. Since it fits right in and keeps me accountable to someone, I told her if she found the bike ride I would be more than willing to do it with her. This also means that rather than running the 5K this year in the Salt Lake City Marathon, I am now looking at doing the 26-mile bike race as a warm up.

Reading: I love to learn and I adore reading. My goal for this year is to read 30 new books. That is only two and a half books a month. On top of that reading I have also decided that my spiritual reading needs to be more focused. I haven’t read the Book of Mormon cover to cover since President Hinckley issued his challenge the before his passing. So I am going to pick that up and read it again cover to cover and I am also with preparation for Sunday School and my trip to the Holy Land, going to read the New Testament cover to cover. Jane Eyre is also on my must re-read this year list but all three of those books will not count toward my goal of 30 new books this year. **Please if you have read any great books and think that I would enjoy them, please share!

As for the rest of the time I always manage to keep myself busy . . . tonight I am off to the Jazz vs. Knicks game. I have tickets to the U2 concert. I have renewed my Utah Football tickets. I have tickets to various plays around town. Plus, I never know what will come up in between. I do have a six-month membership to Universal Studios that I can always use.

So the answer to that question, is a most resounding yes! I am doing good with my life. I do look forward with much anticipation to certain promised blessings, but I haven’t put my life on hold. I think constantly of those blessings and carry them with me always and look forward when I get to share all that I have had the opportunity to do which has made me the person that I am and that I am becoming.

2011-01-05T16:40:00.003-07:00

Warning: for those who have deep seeded germ phobias and think it beyond appalling to share eating utensils or eat food off someone else’s plate . . . well it might be wise to not read today’s post. Super!

Once upon a time two friends set out on a journey to the land of no snow for the New Year. Success was found as they met up with a third friend who is currently living in the land of no snow. They gleefully strolled down the sandy beach of the ocean and then magically found themselves at a restaurant at the end of a blessed pier, admiring the amazing sun set gracefully into the waiting waters of the ocean.

Each was delivered a bowl of delicious, fresh clam chowder. It was only after few bites were taken by all that it was discovered that something was terribly, horribly wrong!

“Hey how come YOU have the big spoon?!” exclaimed one.

“I didn’t know that I had the big spoon.” was the surprised reply as she slowly pulled the spoon from her mouth.

“Well you have the soup spoon!” said the last party to the first.

“I really would rather have a small teaspoon. I don’t like big spoons and this is a really big spoon.” expressed the second.

“I have a teaspoon.” the last casually stated and held it up in the air to prove.

Before the second two realized what was even happening the first grabbed all the spoons and exchanged them to suit who really wanted which spoon.

All turned immediately to the task at hand and happily ate the remains of each bowl of soup. After dinner they skipped back down the pier (no really the skipping seriously took place) unaware of the next big adventure awaiting them in the car ride.

They piled into the rental car with high expectations that they would be able to navigate themselves back to the hotel. Once the car was started something happened to the driver. Everything that came out of her mouth came out in song. Yes, she was singing everything that she said to the other two. (to be fair since the driver just happened to be me, I can honestly say that I didn’t even realize that I was doing it until the other two decided they would do the same thing)

Needless to say it was like living in a musical expect there was much more laughing and a lot less songs that actually made sense. We finally had to stop because the passenger couldn’t breathe and the driver couldn’t see with all the tears from laughing filling her eyes and rolling down her cheeks. Not to mention that we were attempting to find out way in a less familiar kingdom and being completely distracted was not a wise idea.

Much fun was had by all the entire time we were there. Pretty much it was Super! and Delicious!

The End

2010-12-29T13:27:00.000-07:00

“Some people will not tolerate such emotional honesty in communication. They would rather defend their dishonesty on the grounds that it might hurt others. Therefore, having rationalized their phoniness into nobility, they settle for superficial relationships.”

I know that I have used this quote before on my blog. It is a quote that I was given in a difficult time in my life by someone that I care for immensely. It is a quote that I keep in an area that practically forces me to read it at least once almost every single day. It is a reminder to me of several things, but it also keeps me honest with myself and others.

Keeping with the lines of honesty, I will openly admit that this has been, by far, the hardest year that I have ever experienced . . . emotionally, physically, and yes even spiritually. Don’t worry, I will not share the gruesome details. I do know that I have been allowing Satan to use me as his proverbial punching bag for his daily exercise for far too long.

Accepting that some things are going to take more time and are completely out of my control is the first step. Patience. I always assumed that if there was pure knowledge concerning something happening that it would make the waiting so much easier. I will now confirm that what we all know about assuming is true. Knowing does not equal patience and it may even make it more difficult.

With a brand new year within sight, I am going to start it with a brand new attitude. I believe that it starts with faith and trust. I need to hold onto the personal revelation that has been given to me. I have been given some incredible promises. God does not lie. The Spirit speaks the truth as it is and as it will be. Satan’s knock out with doubt will no longer work. Just because I don’t understand how or when God will fulfill His promises, doesn’t mean that He won’t. It may seem impossible to me, but with God nothing is impossible. He who knows beginning to end would never set me up for failure.

I am concocting some goals that will probably show up later.

Have a very happy New Year!

2010-12-20T19:03:00.000-07:00

“I am a world-class chicken when it comes to letting people stick needles into me. My subconscious mind firmly believes that if God wanted us to have direct access to our bloodstreams, He would have equipped our skin with small, clearly marked doors.”

I have decided that within the next few months I really need to have a Will drawn up. It is one more step of adulthood that finally needs to be completed. Not that I expect to die anytime soon, but I think that it is unfair of me to leave things to a guessing game if anything were to happen to me. There are some items that I definitely want to go to specific individuals and nobody would know that unless I spell it out. I know it sounds ridiculous, but those items only belong in certain hands because they have specific, invaluable meaning to me.

This has all been churning over in my head for a while now and I have even written it down a time or two trying to get all of the calculations set out to see exactly what would go where. Accounting for taxes is my least favorite part. It is hard to swallow that I have already paid taxes on everything that I have acquired and yet there will be more taxes levied just because I died. It just doesn’t seem right.

Does this all seem morbid? Well it feels that way while I plot it out in my head too. Ah, but it needs to be done, the whole part of life thing and being a responsible adult. Blah! However it is the only chance for it to be done the way that I want it and oh how I do like to be in control.

This has actually been in the works for years now. A friend always told me that I needed one done. I knew he was right but it felt like doing one would make it too much of a reality to me. It scares me a little to plan for such an event. Being in the business I am in though, I know it is better to be safe because the alternative is not fun or inexpensive for those left behind to clean up the mess.

Since I have already made some major decisions about illness, I really need to have it in writing. For if I am not able to speak for myself, I don’t want anyone else to have to make those decisions for me and feel accountable for them.

So if anyone wants anything that I have, let me know now.

2010-12-14T15:57:00.000-07:00

73 is the Chuck Norris of numbers

I think that at one point in everyone’s life, they find a talent that another possesses that they themselves would like to obtain. I am the queen of admiring the talents of others. If I had the time and monetary means, I would spend this lifetime attempting to develop all the talents that I desire to claim as my own. With that said, there is one particular talent that reigns high above the rest on my list . . . that is the talent of singing.

There is something so spectacular about being swept away in the beauty of a well-developed voice. It can be breathtaking and awe inspiring. It has the ability to transport one to another time, another place. It communicates every emotion.

I will just admit here that I find a man that was blessed with the talent to sing pretty much irresistible. It definitely pushes him up in the attractiveness scale. Anyway . . .

I have been glued to my television for the last week and a half sucked in by The Sing Off. I am extremely impressed with the talent on this show. Although I do know others that would give them a run for their money, they are truly amazing and I love to sit and soak in every minute. Honestly turn on the television Wednesday night to NBC at 8:00 and be ready to revel in astounding talent.

2010-12-05T20:33:00.002-07:00

“I fought you every step of the way.”

“Yes, but you did it.”

This is a conversation that I can see myself having with God. Actually if I am truthful, the top line is something that I have become masterful at swallowing down as I make the admittance once again. We will just leave it that the bottom line doesn’t always follow as often as I would like it to.

I have been trying my very best not to fight you on this one, but my best may not be good enough. As time keeps on passing I find myself doubting and wanting to fight.

2010-11-21T19:56:00.000-07:00

Laughing probably wasn’t the appropriate reaction

I suppose it didn’t make it any better that as I stifled the first reaction I whipped out the line, “no, it isn’t you, it’s me.” At this point my foot was fully inserted into my big mouth and there was no way to recover from my own stupidity. I didn’t mean to be a jerk, but I know it came across as such and for that I feel horrible. If I could have a re-do the answer would be the same however rather than hitting with the force of a Mack truck I would use my kid gloves. I know better and I failed miserably. The element of surprise got the better of me this round.

If time for explaining would have been granted the laughter was not at you, it was a laugh of “you’ve got to be kidding me, I can’t handle this.” Honestly, it truly is me. Don’t take it personally.

Some things in your life can never be replaced.

2010-11-18T16:27:00.002-07:00

It's all about a little friendly competition . . .

The men that hold season tickets around me for Utah football informed me at the last game I attended that I was in charge of making the sign for the Utah - BYU game. I tried to tell them that I wasn't the creative one, but they would hear none of that. I already have weighty emotions about attending this particular game which probably isn't helpful.

Any ideas on what to put on a sign for the rivalry game?

2010-11-10T08:37:00.000-07:00

“Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live.”

I am home right now. I know, it is 8:30 in the morning and I should have been to work for at least a good solid 45 minutes already. However it is not by choice that I am still sitting in my living room ready for work although I might consider going to change since now I am a bit dirty.

I am stuck!

My garage door won’t open and I have very recently learned that I don’t have either the knowledge or strength to manually open it.

My only recourse . . . call a repairman and plead for help.

I should have just stayed in bed. What a morning!

2010-11-02T19:08:00.002-06:00

Bye, bye Pelosi. You may hold onto your seat from San Francisco voters, but I will cheer as you have to vacate your chair as Speaker of the House.

God bless America!

2010-10-24T21:30:00.000-06:00

When the weather is frightful . . .

It was Regional Conference today so church was from 10:00 to noon. When I woke up this morning I immediately sensed the chill in the air and curled deeper into the blankets. I did eventually make it up and to the meeting, but did (or rather didn’t do) something that I can’t remember the last time leaving undone . . . I didn’t make my bed.

I hurried home from church, stripped down and melted back into the warmth and comfort of my bed. There I stayed unconscious of the world for another three and a half hours. The wind was rattling the leaves outside my window as the rain periodically poured down in seemingly timed movements as if being orchestrated. The chill never left the air.

Finally the music playing in my stomach grew to such volume that I knew it needed attending to so I quickly sprang from my bed to find my warmest, most comfortable pajamas.

In the kitchen I whipped up a yummy stir fry to the melody being conducted for the beginnings of winter. Only after eating did it dawn on me what needed to be done to conclude just such a day.

I just pulled fresh, homemade, extra gooie and chocolate chip cookies from the oven. An ice cold glass of milk has been poured and now I will curl back up on the couch and enjoy as I continue to listen to the symphony of the outside world. Only one more thing would make this the perfect moment. . .

2010-10-11T18:11:00.002-06:00

So I had my very first day off this year. Want to know how I spent it?

Hold onto your seats it is very exciting . . . .

I got pulled out of bed by my cell phone around 8:15 am - clients wanting things done. Telling them that I had the day off was just unacceptable and couldn't I just run in and get this one thing done for them.

Nine hours and 2 closings later, I am just now cleaning up and heading home for the day.

So much for having a day off. I guess maybe working only nine hours verses my normal 12-15 hour days at work like I have been doing for the last three months does count to my clients as me having a day off. I am more than ready to leave the country where my cell phone doesn't work. Anyone want to run away with me?

2010-10-09T18:06:00.001-06:00

“Hi my name is Brenda and I am a football-oholic.”

“Welcome Brenda. We are happy to have you here today tell us about your addiction and when you finally decided it was time to admit that you had a problem.”

“Well I am pretty positive that it isn’t a problem, but maybe a bit on the excessive side. I have always been a fan. I have always loved to go to the games and support my team. Nothing unusual as it is a great American past-time. I am a season ticket holder. College ball brings with it an excitement and fun that draws me in. When did I realize that I was possibly taking it to an excess? Well about 10 minutes when I looked down and found that I had a remote control in each hand . . . one for the television which I was in the middle of switching between games on ESPN, ESPN 2, Verses and the Mountain and one to the radio that was tuned to AM 700 with the Utah game playing loud and clear. The television was on mute and I was screaming at the radio. That is when I understood that it may be a little much. Before I sit down though, can I just say that I am still laughing from last week and the fact that the Y lost to none other than USU . . . congrats to Coach Andersen. Anyway, just thought that I should at least admit that I was an addict . . . thanks for listening.”

2010-09-26T20:02:00.002-06:00

Reassurances from a loving Father in Heaven pour down like a warm summer rainstorm, drenching my heart and reminding me . . .

It has been a little over a year, or maybe just inching up to a year, at least for me. My memories seem to bring back October as when the overwhelming thoughts, feelings and incredibly sacred moments began to transpire. I am familiar with the Spirit being involved in my life, but there was more depth, more intensity involved. There has been more reassurance and comfort than I ever have known is even possible and definitely not deserved on my part.

I know what I know because I have been given the knowledge. I don’t understand most of it and really it leaves me more confused than ever before. However any doubt that I have allowed in and sometimes doubts that I have personally forced in because I think that I really need to take a huge bite out of reality have immediately been washed away. I have never been in this position before of completely knowing just how involved Heavenly Father is in MY life. Believe me when I tell you that I am far from deserving it because I have been extremely angry with Him. He has patiently listened to hurricanes of nothing but grief come out of my thoughts and mouth only to wrap me gently in His arms and calm the storms within me.

I know what I know and I have been given promises. Promises that my scope of vision cannot possibly comprehend coming to pass, but I am not able to see as He sees. So He sends me droplets of His vision as tender mercies.

“Yea, and he looketh down upon all the children of men; and he knows all the thoughts and intents of the heart; for by his hand were they all created from the beginning.” Alma 18:32

“For the spirit speaketh the truth and lieth not. Wherefore it speaketh of things as they really are, and of things as they really will be; wherefore, these things are manifested unto us plainly, for the salvation of our souls.” Jacob 4:13

“I testify that God is a God of truth. He cannot lie, and all of His promises will be fulfilled. This fact fills my soul with gratitude. I know that all of this is possible because of the atoning sacrifice of our Savior. I also know that our Father reveals His will to us through His Son and through His prophets.” Elder Walter F. Gonzalez

These are a mere three of the thousands of droplets that I have received . . . two of which have been within the last couple of weeks.

I awoke from a dream this morning that normally would have thrown me into a loop causing me to be dizzy, however I woke up instead calm and trusting. In part I was walking down the church hallways with a very small girl holding my hand. I knew that she wasn’t mine but she was extremely attached to me and I knew that she loved me, as I loved her. We walked through a door which placed us in the Celestial Room at the San Diego temple.

My attention was immediately drawn to the balcony above me. There, all dressed in their wedding attire stood so many faces of those that I love so dearly. Multiple generations of two different families, mine being one of them of course and dear friends from across the timeline of my life. The concourse of people that were in the thousands and yet I could distinctively pick out each face glowing with smiles. Then I instinctively knew why I was there. A love filled me from the top of my head right down the tips of my toes. I knew. I looked down into that little child’s eyes and woke up.

2010-09-09T21:01:00.001-06:00

“Football players, like prostitutes, are in the business of ruining their bodies for the pleasure of strangers.” –Merle Kessler

There have been so many posts that have been written, just none that have been posted. I may or may not post some of them. Others, well they will never hit the blog but will possibly be printed and put in the journal . . . too much information in them that should be hidden away forever.

Life has been busy. I spent last weekend at home in St. George. Mom had a pace maker put in and so we thought that we would all go and see if we started the microwave if she would pee. Yeah, it doesn’t work. Hey at least we are good for a laugh and laughter is the best medicine. I don’t think that the hospital staff found us as hysterical as we know we are.

For instance, only in my family would this happen . . . we were all sitting in the hospital room and my sister was feeding her baby a bottle of formula. The formula kept clogging the bottle for some reason so that it wasn’t flowing smoothly and upsetting my nephew. My dad looked at my brother who was the closest to my sister and said, “Brian grab the nipple and rub it” (meaning the bottle nipple of course) but my brother reached up with a purely innocent look on his face and with both his thumbs and pointer fingers grabbed his own nipples and started rubbing them while saying, “yeah that does feel better.” All of us, including my dad, burst out laughing. Yeah that is how we roll at our house. One had better have thick skin and a great sense of humor to hang out around us and not get offended.

Anyway in case you haven’t stopped reading after that lovely story, Mom is doing well. We had to keep reminding her that she had to love us because she helped to create us. I didn’t know that a pace maker caused memory loss . . . or maybe that is just old age. Just kidding Mom! Love you!

Last Thursday before heading down home I attended the opening game of the season for University of Utah football. Go Utes! I brought a roll of duct tape knowing that Lewis had run for 1799 yards last year as a freshman. I was incredibly impressed that I didn’t even have to pull it out of my purse. As is typical, our defense is strong, steady and ready to hold (and win the game if they have to).

There were mixed emotions running through me going to this game. I knew there would be questions and I knew I wasn’t ready to answer them . . . so running my own defense, I didn’t. The only thing that really threw me and I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry was the first penalty against Pitt. From behind me I heard, “beep, beep, beep, beep, beep . . . back that trash up.” I turned with a smile on my face and was greeted with a high five and the comment, “hey it’s tradition, we have to keep up tradition.” Agreed. I have to admit that I probably have the best seats in the stadium.

All of my male clients still think that it is amazing that I can talk football with the best of them. They are now calling and emailing me for my opinion on games. They find it fascinating that I love the game as much (if not more) than they do. There is a new processor at one of the offices and he just found out about my love of football. After a lengthy email conversation about the game he wrote, “Wow! It is so awesome to be talking to a girl that is so knowledgeable about the game. I’d come over there and kiss you if I weren’t married.” Just another one of my unusual quirks that makes me weird . . . and no he wouldn’t.

2010-08-29T18:27:00.000-06:00

“For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me.” –Job 3:25

Pick an element of the weather that I have a hard time finding a positive attribute about and it would be wind. I have a bad memory with wind that happened when I was little that I have never quite managed to overcome. When it is raining I enjoy playing in it until it soaks me through. When it is snowing, I am up for a snowball fight, snow angel contest and sledding. When it is sunshine and warm biking, hiking, camping, rollerblading, and all things soaking in the sun I can be found. When it is windy, I deal with it . . . usually inside.

Yesterday I spent the afternoon up at the Bountiful Temple in a sealing room witnessing the eternally bonding ceremony for my cousin, his wife and their 7-month old daughter. I was blessed and honored to have the opportunity to be there with them. It was beautiful.

After the ceremony, I walked back outside to the hurricane forced winds that were blowing all day long. Normally I would have run to my car and hurried home to get out of it. Yesterday, the wind and I were friends. It was expressing what I was feeling inside. I found the temple grounds empty and so I sat down on the grass on the east side of the temple. I sat there for hours just allowing the winds to blow all around me and not bothering to even keep my hair out of my face.

I suppose when I found a fear bigger than the wind, it no longer phased me.

2010-08-23T21:23:00.000-06:00

“Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it.”

This month at work is set to be the highest producing month that I have had in almost two years. Of course it is a good thing. The only crappy thing about the whole situation is that it is all being shoved into the next three days. Taking a bathroom break won’t even be an option. I threatened that if they didn’t bring in a receptionist for this week that I would be coming in either. All of the work hitting my desk is rather daunting. My anxiety level about being able to actually handle it all is high. I have considered just packing a suitcase and taking it with me tomorrow because I will more than likely be living at my office for the rest of the week.

I am grateful I have a job. I am grateful I have a job. I am grateful that I have a job.

Maybe my anxiety level is on over drive for other reasons too. For one the last time that I found out that I had to spend a period of time in the hospital waiting I didn’t have to do it by myself. There was hours spent on the phone with everything between laughing to serious discussions. A needed distraction and love flowed freely through the connection. It made a difficult time manageable and kept me breathing. This time, well, won’t be the same.

Saturday afternoon I will put names on the prayer roll before attending a sealing in the Bountiful Temple.

2010-08-15T20:45:00.002-06:00

“You are the embodiment of the information you choose to accept and act upon. To change your circumstance you need to change your thinking and subsequent actions.”

I spent the better part of Thursday afternoon at the Mount Timpanogos Temple with a friend. I always feel so honored when someone invites me to be a part of something that is so incredibly spiritually personal as receiving their own endowment. As I watched her throughout the session and then in the Celestial Room surrounded by their families, my heart was bursting with joy for her.

There are no words adequate to express the beauty that radiates from the eyes of each individual as they make sacred covenants with our Heavenly Father. The mistakes made in the past are left at the doors. Life becomes tranquil and peaceful. The full impact of the sealing power awakens the soul. The miracle of the Atonement tightly wraps its healing arms around each wounded, worn individual and lifts heavenwards. The Spirit openly blesses and reassures that the promises that have been made will be fulfilled.

Since I received my own endowment in 2001, I have also been privileged to have been invited to witness upwards of 19 marriage sealings. As I attended the Salt Lake Temple Saturday morning I again felt so much joy wash through me for this sweet friend. One of my favorite things is to watch the bride and groom exchange gazes. This is where the love is heartfelt and honest. The groom couldn’t take his eyes off of the bride and there was so much tenderness that it brought me to tears. The strength of kneeling at the alter of God and promising one's self to another cannot be replicated in any other way.

Thank you for inviting and allowing me to be a part of some of the most sacred and important moments in your life. They will be added to the treasure chest in my heart that hold other such memories that have filled my life. Together it all reminds me of just what I am waiting for and helps me hold on tight.

2010-08-10T18:53:00.000-06:00

Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my

I am beginning to believe that all of my worse nightmares aren’t going to end. I woke up this morning at 2:13 curled up in the fetal position, shaking. I remembered with perfect clarity what had blasted me out of sleep. The problem is that waking up just brought me into new realms of nightmares.

Time on alarm: 2:45 am

Time on alarm: 3:27 am

Time on alarm: 3:51 am

Time on alarm: 4:31 am (I might have sworn at this point)

Time on alarm: 5:06 am

Tuesday mornings (bright and way too early) I have a marketing/networking meeting with a group of business people in all different industries. I knew that I had to be up in less than an hour. That didn’t stop me from continuing forth with much devoted effort to get at least some sleep and get away from the thoughts/emotions running through me.

I must have finally fell semi-unconscious because before I knew it I was full fledge into a hostage situation. Let’s just say that I offered myself up to be killed to spare everyone else. There was some ugly conversation exchanged between me and the gunmen.

Then my alarm went off.

Seriously?

2010-08-09T10:35:00.002-06:00

"I can't give solutions to all of life's problems, doubts,
or fears. But I can listen to you, and together, we will
search for answers.

I can't change your past with all it's heartache and pain,
nor the future with its untold stories.
But I can be there now when you need me to care.

I can't keep your feet from stumbling.
I can only offer my hand that you may grasp it and not fall.

Your joys, triumphs, successes, and happiness are not mine;
Yet I can share in your laughter.

Your decisions in life are not mine to make, nor to judge;
I can only support you, encourage you,
and help you when you ask.

I can't prevent you from falling away from friendship,
from your values, from me.
I can only pray for you, talk to you and wait for you.

I can't give you boundaries which I have determined for you,
but I can give you the room to change, room to grow,
room to be yourself.

I can't keep your heart from breaking and hurting,
but I can cry with you and help you pick up the pieces
and put them back in place.

I can't tell you who you are.
I can only love you and be your friend."

Sometimes I just don't have all the words or the right words. Sometimes someone else comes close.

2010-08-05T13:11:00.002-06:00

Since I couldn't call into work dead . . . .

I am most grateful for an office with a door that can shut, lock and stay that way all day long.

2010-08-03T12:48:00.002-06:00

"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists!" -Woody Allen

It was an exhausting night last night.

I really wish that I could figure out why I am having nightmares. I didn't watch anything on television. The only things that I did yesterday was go to work, then to my voice lesson and then to a BBQ with a bunch of married couples. Nothing that should have lead me into the disastrous, sleepless night I endured.

It was a constant stream of violence that changed every time I closed my eyes. The scenes changed from me attempting to stop some abuse against a random woman in the streets and the attacker turning his anger on me to being the victim of an **abusive father . . . and everything in between. **(My own dad would never in a million years lift a finger against anyone, especially against his wife and children. Anyone who knows my dad knows that. In my dreams, this monster that was my "father" was someone I have never seen in my life.)

Finally at about 5:00 this morning I woke up in tears, truly feeling fear and just needing some comfort and protection. The only thought that kept coming to me was the closest thing I had to getting it was a pillow and a blanket out of the downstairs closet and then to curl up on the couch. I have to admit that thought just brought sad tears and so I stayed up in my bed and just refused to shut my eyes again.

I shouldn't be having these stupid nightmares. I don't watch shows that have violence in them because I know that it affects me. The closest thing to violence that has ever happened to me is when a guy told me that he was going to rape me (and my brother and a friend that just happened to be a professional kick boxer went and told him what would happen to him if he ever even looked at me cross eyed . . . believe me he never even thought about looking at me again) and that was more than 18 years ago. Oh and I suppose that I could even count my almost kidnapping, but that was more than 25 years ago.

What is causing me to not feel safe? Any suggestions on how one stops having nightmares?

Side note: This is my 500th post!

2010-08-01T20:25:00.000-06:00

“A friend knows the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails.”

Ever had memories zooming across your brain at lightening speed and realizing all at once that your heart is part of the race track where the zigging and zagging is fast enough to break the sound barrier?

“You don’t love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy cars, but because they sing a song only you can hear.”

2010-07-21T12:28:00.004-06:00

I should've worn my swimsuit and brought a popsicle for lunch.

I really don't like to be dressed. Really if I had my way I would be naked all the time. It's been that way since I was little. For much of my life, I will admit that I was not the most modest dresser. Short shorts and a tank top is what you would usually find me sporting. I eventually made up my mind and started fazing those out and only purchased clothes that would cover garments. It was not easy for me to get used to having to be in so much material.

The situation at work yesterday and today are not helping me want to stay clothed. The air conditioner in our building has been broken and it is stinking hot and miserable. Now my office is typically a bit hotter than the rest of the office for some unknown reason that building maintenance has never been able to figure out (I had a co-worker that used to tell me that my office was the "gateway to hell" and I always joked back that that would make me the "gatekeeper"). However I am starting to believe that it is hotter in this building than it is outside . . . we are all sticking to our leather chairs (I know, over share).

I made lasagna for dinner on Monday night along with brownies smothered in vanilla ice cream. I have been bringing leftovers to work for lunch. A hot lunch just doesn't sound appealing in this heat wave. I should have brought the brownies and ice cream instead of the lasagna.

2010-07-19T00:01:00.001-06:00

“Red is the ultimate cure for sadness”

The push to make a perfect card has been building. It is that time of year. I can’t though . . . my red crayon is missing. Red is my favorite color. It would be impossible for me to make a card without my red crayon. My red crayon is not replaceable. Another color will just not do.

Red is the color of my life.

I am all things University of Utah . . . a true Ute fan through and through. However imagine going to the football games without the red inside the drum. It makes it a bit hollow. A critical piece is missing and I know it. Let’s be brutally honest . . . red is the only color that works. Blue is completely not an option. Actually I think that I am going to throw the blue one away just to make myself feel a tiny better.

When I am drawing pictures my red crayon is the only one that works to draw a nice big heart and a gigantic smile. Without my red crayon there is no heart and the smile, while there, just doesn’t look or feel right. Let’s face it, the heart isn’t truly a heart without the red. Lips are supposed to be touched with red crayon to make them lively and vibrant.

Many of my most spiritual, inspired insight and revelation has been underlined, highlighted or completely colored in with my red crayon. Some passages in my scriptures actually look as if they are bleeding. Entries in my journal are as crimson as a rose. Thoughts in the temple are like the brightest bursts of red in the most magnificent sunsets.

For me, love can only be drawn with my red crayon.

2010-07-12T11:31:00.002-06:00

"You've got three pairs. You can't have six cards! You can't have six cards in a five-card game!"

Faith: firm belief in something for which there is no proof

Hope: to cherish a desire with anticipation

Charity: benevolent goodwill toward or love of humanity

Inspiration: a divine influence or action on a person to receive and communicate sacred revelation

Discernment: the quality of being able to grasp and comprehend what is obscure

Knowledge: the fact or condition of knowing something with familiarity gained through experience or association

2010-07-07T12:35:00.004-06:00

"Life is a gift, and it offers us the privilege, opportunity and responsibility to give something back by becoming more."

Random #1: I love to listen. Given the option to talk or to listen, I almost always choose to listen. This is true in groups and this is true in one-on-one situations. What I don't think that people realize is that I am also mentally making notes and carefully filing them away. I feel it is a privilege when someone is willing to open up to me and tell me things. Therefore I am not merely letting the information in one ear and straight out the other just waiting for my turn to talk.

Now I may be making a few people nervous right about now, but really there is nothing to worry about because I also keep all that information to myself unless I am asked by the person telling me to share it. I am a vault and nobody has the combination.

It is interesting the small things that can be learned about someone by truly listening. I think that I have surprised more than one person in my life by remembering things that they have told me about themselves.

Random #2: Tickets, tickets and more tickets. I have so many things coming up. A while ago I purchased tickets for July 17th because I knew that the event would be extremely great and very much enjoyed . . . not to mention that it was only a couple of days off on perfect timing. I have tickets to Deer Valley. Ben Folds is going to be performing with the Utah Symphony. It couldn't have gotten much better than that. Now it has come down to . . . who am I going to take now?

I was supposed to be going to Florida at the end of this month. I just cancelled all the reservations for that. One reason is that blast off has been delayed until the first part of November.

In August I have tickets to Pirates of Penzance, Dave Matthews Band and the Lion King. I also have a family reunion, a wedding and a camping trip up North. Follow that with the beginning of Ute football season and well, I have a lot of things to attend that I have to find people that have the time to come with me. It is getting more and more difficult with everyone being married with children because they have less time at their disposal for playing.

Random #3: It is not the year for doctors appointments. I have been cancelled on twice now. The first time was my annual and they actually called me an hour before my appointment to let me know he was at the hospital delivering a baby. No big deal other than I had to wait another month before I could get in to see him.

Monday was not a fun day for me. I had mentally prepared myself all weekend long. What can I say . . . needles really bother me that much! I got up in the morning and went to my appointment only to find the office closed. No phone call, no note on the door, no nothing. I was more than a little upset. I may or may not have cried standing in front of the office door. I was told yesterday when I called that they must have missed me when going down the appointment list. The doctor had been extremely sick and had to cancel everything. My appointment is now for next Wednesday morning.

2010-07-02T11:40:00.003-06:00

"The pain of the mind is worse than the pain of the body."

Never would have I been convinced that I wouldn't mind the fact that the first time around didn't completely fix the problem and that I would actually look forward to going in for a second series of 30 shots on my legs.

I have to have my legs shot up again on Monday morning. Honestly I am looking forward to having the pain move to somewhere else in my body even if for only a fleeting moment. I figured it gives me at least 20 minutes while he is shoving needles into my legs and then another 45 minutes after that when my legs feel as if they have burst into flames and those flames are coursing through my veins. That's at least a good hour of focused leg pain.

2010-06-29T15:52:00.002-06:00

I have a question that really needs to be answered . . . .

In most situations I understand proper tipping etiquette and I typically am a very generous tipper. I get great service, well I feel like it should not go unnoticed. Pretty much the waiter has to spit in my food in order not to get a 20% tip. When someone really impresses me or let's face it, is extremely good looking I tend to tip above the normal percentage. I have heard that in Utah people are pretty skimpy tippers and no matter how big the bill is, it isn't unheard of for them to only leave a tip of 10% or worse, as little as two or three dollars. I don't want to be that person.

So here is the situation:

When you call in food for take out and go to pick food up at a restaurant and they bring the food out to your car for you (car side service), what, if anything, are you supposed to tip these people?

2010-06-21T20:45:00.001-06:00

“Judge not, that ye be not judged.”

I really attempt not to even think mean thoughts about others. When I find myself conjuring up cruel thoughts, I remind myself quickly of my own imperfections and flaws. It usually cures the problem and I move on with life. Being judgmental is something that I never want to be. I want to give everyone the same benefit of the doubt that I hope that they would offer me.

Today I needed to run some errands. As I was getting some stuff that I needed for later this week, I was passed by a lady wearing a very light colored, thin material skirt. Needless to say, she wasn’t leaving anything to anyone’s imagination. At the first shake of my head and mean thoughts beginning to shape, I immediately took inventory of the contents being held in my hands at that very moment . . . .

-a bottle of Gatorade
-Power bars
-Soft lips
-milk chocolate truffles
-chocolate syrup
-maraschino cherries with stems
-a bottle of Martinelli’s
-champagne glasses
- lingerie
-Trojan pleasure pack
-8 varieties of KY

It’s not polite to judge.

2010-06-21T00:53:00.000-06:00

Eyes, ears, hands, feet, socks, shoes, mittens, earrings, contacts, pillow cases, parents, tears, smiles . . .

So many things come in pairs.

Sometimes two can be more difficult than could ever be imagined . . .

2010-06-13T01:10:00.000-06:00

“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”

I had an out of body experience. I realize now why people shake their heads at me. I found myself in the kitchen measuring, chopping and combining ingredients together to create luscious apricot oat bars. At the same time my phone was to my ear and I was walking my mom through making wanton soup. During which I was also watching the World Cup - - USA verses England.

After slipping my concoction into the oven to bake and finishing up the phone call, I flopped down on the couch to put a wedding gift together needed for later.

I found myself completely enthralled with the game . . . . so much so that I soon realized that I was off the couch yelling at the television. Up to this point in my life I have never become so involved in any sport on television besides football. I somewhat regained control over my anxiety and excitement for the game being played a spin around the globe in South Africa in order to sit back down and finish putting the gift together.

I have to admit that I was frustrated during most of the game because I don’t know enough of the rules. I found myself seriously wishing that someone was here that could explain so that I could more fully understand. Luckily someone has explained some of the game rules and regulations to me that I knew enough that I felt justified at yelling at the television.

Really I am a bit of an anomaly. There is a gravitational pull for me to athletics and not that I have an athletic bone in my body. I thoroughly enjoy watching and cheering on people that are though. There is a deep appreciation for those that are athletic and share their talents. However, I feel compelled to completely understand the sport. I refuse to be what I call a “football skank”. Formal definition: a girl that only attends and pretends to enjoy sports long enough to “get the guy” and then suddenly doesn’t want anything to do with it ever again and gets angry when he still wants to watch or go to a game.

There is another gravitational pull for me that is just as deep and drawing . . . cooking. I love to make my house fill with sweet smells of food that could be considered intoxicating. Frankly I don’t do it enough. My dream house has an absolutely fabulous kitchen. I enjoy putting together new and exciting things to try. Sometimes they don’t always turn out, but hey failing happens and just means that I need to try something different the next time.

So there I was barefoot, my house filling with the wonderful smell of cinnamon and screaming at soccer on the television.

What universe did I come from?!

2010-06-10T20:49:00.000-06:00

“Smiles don’t have to be saved for sun filled days . . . it’s good to waste them.”

Last year was a bit on the chilly and soggy side also. It was most spectacular to come home, curl up under a blanket on the couch and take an extended Saturday afternoon nap.

Great memories are preciously woven everywhere that always make my heart warm and bring a smile to my lips.

2010-06-09T21:58:00.001-06:00

If you go biking with me, you had better be up for a lot of laughing and a grand adventure!

Due to winter still lingering around and busy schedules, I still hadn’t had the opportunity to take my new bike out for a test spin. Tonight I finally christened the bike . . . quite literally.

Remember my post about a friend and I that went biking on a trail out by the airport and got caught in a storm last year? If not, well you will have to dig through my archives to find it because frankly I am too lazy to do it right now.

Anyway . . . .

We again decided to take this trail. It is a great trail for road biking, well unless you are me. The weather was a bit sketchy but both of us felt like it would be fine. We were riding along chatting about nothing in particular when I realized that my back tire had gone flat. Now this was probably only about 5 or 6 miles into our ride and we were hoping to get in at least 20 miles.

So we stopped and pulled the tire off which is where the real fun began. We had all the right tools, just not the strength to get the stupid thing off the rim. After much laughter we were finally able to get it off and pull the flat, lifeless tube out. We had already waved on one biker determined to do it ourselves, but at this point when another male biker asked if we needed help, we gladly accepted.

He kindly put everything back together (more quickly than I could have ever done it) the whole time explaining exactly how to do it. By the time he got everything back in place and ready to push off again the skies started showing us a little flashes of light. They turned back and we pushed forward feeling like it wouldn’t be too bad and thinking that the storm was far enough away that we would be okay.

Well needless to say that luckily it was warmer out this time verses last time because once again the skies opened up and showed us who was boss. The other issue was that I was on a new bike that I hadn’t taken the time to really get to know. I was playing with shifting it and realized only when I had it in the lowest gear that I didn’t know how to get it shift back up. We stopped and attempted to figure out but to no avail. So I got in a great cardio workout on the way back along with a nice shower.

We may not have gotten in the miles, but laughing is great exercise right?!

Thanks Emily for coming with me. I promise that one of these days we will actually do the entire trail AND stay dry doing it.

2010-06-02T21:05:00.003-06:00

"You, uh, feelin' Christian?"

I have a few speaking assignments coming up this month. More than my normal one or two. I have a couple of financial classes that I will be teaching, a relief society lesson and don't be shocked . . . I was asked to speak in Sacrament on Father's Day.

So confession 101 . . . I don't normally take a ton of time to prepare. One day I am going to be struck dumb in front of a classroom or while giving a talk because of it. There isn't many things that I will claim as a natural talent, but being comfortable in front of a group is one that may be a prideful downfall. It is another of those things in my world that if I would only put in some effort and time, I would probably grow the talent and be such a better speaker. But because I have never fallen on my face and have always "pulled it off" so I don't.

In an effort to try to improve and be a better teacher/speaker, I have decided that I am going to do more preparation this month.

Here is where you come into play. The topic that I was given for my talk in Sacrament is: the influence of Heavenly Father in your life.

I am not quite sure what to do with that or where to take it. Any ideas or suggestions?

Please help.

2010-05-31T00:01:00.001-06:00

Once upon a time. . . or better yet, in a galaxy far, far away

To whom it may concern:

I am taking the time to officially lodge a complaint. Although I realize that it will probably not come as any shock because it is from me and having received such letters before, I am positive that this will find the same outcome as the others . . . straight into the trash and long forgotten.

I almost want to begin with an apology for not fitting into the mold. It almost seems that everyone looks for me to apologize for it and to some way change who I am because it makes them uncomfortable that I don’t. However I will not apologize, nor will I change. Honestly I believe that I am a better person for not fitting into the mold that has been created.

There have been a fair share of knights in shining armor . . . . but they never last long. Why you may ask? Well I have theories abounding but I am going to take from current research after scouring the archives.

Let me begin by stating that a knight comes looking for a rescue. The helpless princess is in distress and is being held captive in a foreign tower by a horrible creature and she can’t possibly get herself out of this awful predicament. She needs to be saved. He has to (in one way or another) pull her life together for her. He has to rescue her.

See here is where these knights don’t like that fact that I have purchased the tower, cleaned up the area and have dragon meat in the freezer waiting to be whipped into dinner for when company comes. Not only that, but they really hate that I am not even at the tower but out doing other tasks. Who, might I ask, has the time to sit around all day long waiting for a knight to show up to take care of all their problems for them?

Now the knights are always at first relieved and impressed that they can just come in and relax rather than engage in battle with the unknown. The realization that I have the ability to make decisions and to execute life productively brings huge amounts of freedom and stress relief. It doesn’t take them long to become disenchanted though. Where is the excitement of the fight? Where is the victory of proving that without him the princess would never survive?

Now if I wanted to, you are right, I could play an award winning damsel in distress. I have years of watching the best of the best do just that. The problem is that it would be deceiving and manipulative . . . two things I despise and will not tolerate. I will not trick a knight into believing that I am one person only to wake up on the morning of our honeymoon to a whole different person. It happens more often than I think most are willing to admit.

Here is where things really start to make the knight edge toward the door faster and faster. The shining armor starts to come off. He feels less and less protected. Suddenly I know where the weaknesses are in his armor. **The ironic part is that my flaws, imperfections and weaknesses have been visable from the beginning and there are a ton of them. To me he is starting to become a man verses a shining piece of hard metal. See I am not so impressed by the metal, I am more concerned with what is inside the casing. The flaws, the weaknesses, the imperfections all make him more a man and more handsome. That is where I see the real strength and light in their eyes. That is where I see where we can work together to help one another rather than making him entirely carry the load.

Now with all of this said and so much more floating through my conscious mind, I have to also fill you in on a little secret that if they would just learn to look from a different angle might make for not only a happily ever after, but a true life happily ever after. I may not be a damsel in distress but I want nothing more than to be treated like a lady. Not like a spoiled princess, but a lady.

Yes, I have the strength and ability to do for myself but that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel incredibly loved and grateful when a man does them for me . . . and believe me he will be rewarded very generously. I don’t have to be hand coddled or carry mood swing warnings. This doesn’t mean that I am not human, but it also means that he won’t have to hide out afraid at what he will find when he gets home from storming castles everyday. I know that the way that I need a knight is so far off the path of what they are taught in school that they miss just how much I need and appreciate them. I am never quite sure how to relay this though and have it understood.

So my complaint is that far too often the training of these knights doesn’t include finding someone that can stand beside them and fight for all that is dear rather than someone that cowers in the background demanding that they take all the burdens on themselves. It has got to be tiring and lonely to always have to be the one doing the fighting.

2010-05-24T20:11:00.001-06:00

Are you here all by yourself?

I live in a townhouse. I share one wall as I purchased an end unit. Saturday night, or better yet very early Sunday morning my neighbor’s townhouse was broken into. He was at home . . . upstairs . . . asleep. They came in through his downstairs window, helped themselves to a bunch of his stuff and let themselves out of the front door. He came over on Sunday to let me know.

I have an alarm system and I keep all of my outside lights on at night, but none of that is making me feel any better about being in my house alone.

2010-05-23T18:12:00.001-06:00

“The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for the steak to cook.”

Sometimes things just go perfectly. It is always great when it happens while cooking. I was doing some experimenting in the kitchen today and boy did it work. I made the best wanton soup. It was incredibly delish!

2010-05-21T00:02:00.000-06:00

“It surprised her that her grief was sharper than in the past few days. She had forgotten that grief doesn’t decline in a straight line or along a slow curve like a graph in a child’s math book. Instead, it was almost as if her body contained a big pile of garden rubbish full both of heavy lumps of dirt and of sharp thorny brush that would stab her when she least expected it.”

1 month or 30 days or 720 hours or 43,200 minutes . . . every move the clock’s hands reminds me of the time passing.

In the last month:

I have had three more friends announce engagements, one announce a pregnancy and another give birth.

I have read five books totaling 1876 pages.

I have looked into moving with more sincerity than ever before and I don’t think that I will ask this time. Italy . . . Seattle . . . D.C . . . Hawaii . . . I do keep reminding myself that I really don’t enjoy the cold so some place warm would be nice. Maybe D.C. isn’t such a grand idea. After seeing Letters to Juliet, I am definitely missing Verona and all things Italy . . . but I am a sappy, hopeless romantic.

I have spent too much money.

I have gotten angry and again tried to prove to myself and the world that I can do it alone. How? Well for starters I had to figure out electronics because of the stupid changes my cable company made which required changes behind both my televisions. So I moved my 400 pound entertainment system by myself in order to get behind it to set things up. Let’s just say that I was sore for an entire week and probably did some damage if I really want to be honest about it.

I have been to the temple five times.

I have realized that a lot of the time I don’t really pay attention. I can’t believe how much I take for granted.

I have surprised myself. Have you ever been in the middle of a conversation and suddenly realized just how much you knew? I have discovered recently that I am a fairly intelligent person. I know this is going to sound pompous, but I can hold conversations about a wide variety of subjects with knowledge and understanding behind it. I don’t think that I ever really have given myself credit for this since I would rather be listening than talking.

I have run a 5K. I have managed to obtain a sunburn. I have failed. I have held my new nephew and played with my nieces and nephews. I have rigorously scrubbed my house. I have played in the park. I have cried. I have paid a house payment. I have done visiting teaching. I have taught two classes. I have prayed. I have been courted by a duck. I have gone to movies. I have played with friends. I have written undelivered letters. I have had a facial. I have cooked. I have missed. I have driven for hours with the windows rolled down and the music cranked high. I have skipped church (okay it was only once and I just couldn’t do it). I have listened to the rain. I have hung pictures. I have made lists. I have desired.

There is so much more that could be added, but all isn’t meant to be shared. I have been told on occasion that no matter what I will be fine. That is a true statement. I don’t know how not to pull the work clothes on and dig my heels in. It is what I was taught to do and something that come naturally to me. I have responsibilities and people that count on me. I just don’t think that fine equates to happiness. Sure I can be fine, but is that enough?

2010-05-17T16:21:00.004-06:00

"Always behave like a duck -- keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like the devil underneath."

I made a new acquaintance yesterday. Right after church I headed over to Liberty Park to meet a friend. We sat in the warmth of the rays of the beautiful sunshine for about two hours talking and people watching. At that point, my sunburn from the previous day (holy crap you should see how red my stomach is) let me know that it was time for me to be in the shade. So we moved across the bridge and found a great place next to the pond under some wonderfully huge shade trees.

We put the blanket down, I kicked off my flip flops and settled on my back to watch the magnificent blue sky delightfully bounce the occasional white cloud around while my friend choose to settle on his stomach to read a book. It didn't take long for me to be utterly and completely lost in my extremely secret thoughts that have been my entire world for a while now. I have no idea how much time had passed but it had to be a while because I was so deeply entrenched that the world around me had ceased to exist.

Suddenly I was thrust out of my thoughts to the attention of my feet. Something wet, cold and hard was tapping on my bare toes. I quickly parted my feet to reveal a mallard . . . my new acquaintance. I quickly pulled my feet away and started laughing. The duck just cocked its head and looked at me with no fear. It then walked over to my side and stopped to continue to stare. It was freaking me out a little at this point, so my friend tried to encourage it to leave. After much prodding, it finally went on its way.

I pulled my knees to my chest, wrapped my arms around my legs and rested my chin on my knees. We had begun a new conversation when suddenly there was a tap, tap, tap on my back. The duck was again seeking my attention. This time the duck was almost thrown back into the pond (as nicely as possible though and not be me) because it couldn't be enticed to leave my side.

I have never seen a duck as bold as was this duck. It did create much laughter though.

2010-05-11T20:50:00.004-06:00

Past the point of ridiculous

There are so many people in this nation trying to figure out what is going wrong with the economy and how to dig us out of this mortgage crisis. They're supposed to be highly intelligent individuals being paid large sums of money. Well put me on the payroll because I can help them out with the solution . . . common sense.

We have watched the pendulum of lending go from one extreme to the next over the last three years. It went from lending to anyone and everyone with a pulse to lending to almost nobody.

I received a phone call today from one of my clients. She is representing the sellers on a property that we are supposed to be closing in a week. She called to tell me that the lender had a condition that they wanted filled before they would approve the buyers loan and wanted to see if I could help out. Because she was giggling the whole time she was telling me this I knew it was going to be something crazy.

She said, "Brenda they want the contract signed by all the parties listed on vesting on title."

Now this is a very normal condition, actually it wouldn't be a completely legal contract without that exact thing done. As the title company and as the real estate agent, we were both very aware of that and always follow those legal stipulations. However, there is an exception to that rule . . . . death.

The signature that they wanted was of the deceased spouse of the seller. Yes both were still on title, BUT a death certificate is plenty of proof that we won't need signatures from all parties listed as owning the property.

Evidently it isn't enough proof for the lender. They are still insisting that all parties on title sign the contract or they won't lend on the property. My agent called me (laughing) to ask if I could help her get that taken care of. I told her that unfortunately I don't see dead people and I don't know the first thing about conducting a seance. She told me that she completely understood and that she would explain to the lender that the title company also couldn't come up with a way to get him to sign the contract and that is was up to them.

And they wonder why things are still struggling. Really? Because I could fill them in a little.

2010-05-06T08:56:00.004-06:00

"Don't take your toys inside just because it is raining."

I am a fairly frugal person . . . at least when it comes to spending money on myself. There is an exception to that rule though. When I am feeling a deep sense of loss in my life, I buy things. Okay so it usually calculates out to be new clothes for less than a hundred dollars. Last night I got something that was possibly a bit more or a LOT more expensive than that. Now to be fair, it is something that I have wanted for about five years now but just couldn't justify spending the money on myself when I already had one (rationalization: I have one for the mountains and trails and this is for the road and they are TOTALLY different). In any case my sense of frugality totally got demolished by the overwhelming sense of loss right now.

Want to see the new toy . . . .
I am pretty excited.

2010-05-04T18:27:00.001-06:00

“A lot of fish in the sea . . . . not for me. You’re somethin’ of a different kind. The rest evaporate, but you stay in my mind.”

I haven’t been scuba diving since Puerto Vallarta. I miss it.

2010-04-30T23:31:00.001-06:00

But I remember everything. I am still right here.

My plate is filled to the point of overflowing and yet I still seek to make additions. Anything to keep my mind, my hands and my heart otherwise diverted. I think that I continue to search out other options because it isn’t working. It is always right there . . . a gaping hole in the middle that is impossible to consign to oblivion.

Today I was mulling over the idea of going back to get my Master’s degree. Then I remembered that even though I love to learn, the classroom was never my favorite setting in which to do that. I always did well in school but I also never put any ambition into it either. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t know how else to say it . . . it was never a challenge. Looking back I sometimes think that I wish that I would have put more into my studies, but that thought typically goes away as quickly as it comes because I remember everything else outside of the classroom that I was learning and enjoying. I realize that I had a great balance and I wouldn’t have been me doing it any other way.

So I’m definitely not going back to school.

I am taking on as much as I possibly can at work. I am helping everyone. Something needs to get done and I am the first to volunteer. With even more cutbacks they let the receptionist go. The only thing that I have regretted volunteering for is to have my phone opened up to back up which means that every time a phone call rings more than twice it goes to overflow and rings into my office. For years the only time my phone rang in my office was if someone called my direct line. It has been two weeks and my heart still speeds up every time it rings.

Good thing that I still have health insurance.

Spring cleaning has become a hobby. I cleaned the treadmill/library room. All the book shelves were emptied and rearranged. I have also taken the liberty to scourer the linen closet. This is one of those places that I continue to stack things and hope that nobody will ever open the door because I would be embarrassed by what would be found . . . a huge mess. Feel free to look right now while it is organized and clean. I can’t promise how long it will stay that way.

Tomorrow I will hang pictures I love in the guest bedroom.

In the last nine days I have read two 400+ page novels. Reading is a massive escape tool for me. I have a soaring imagination that draws brilliant pictures and reading helps me to access total departure from my life. At least for a time I journey in someone else’s shoes, in their life, in their world. As I write this I have to wonder if that is why I do so much better reading the scriptures chronologically verses topic driven . . . I envision the story unfolding around me and it all becomes apart of me and I am more able to apply it. Sorry, interesting side note at least to me. It is something that I have used my entire life to get me through.

There will never be enough books to read.

2010-04-29T19:18:00.002-06:00

There is just nothing like spending time with one of my favorite little people and to think that I have twelve from which to choose.

2010-04-28T09:56:00.002-06:00

Spring has sprung
The snow is still falling
You honestly except me to believe
In global warming?!

2010-04-23T13:12:00.002-06:00

"Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?"

I went to the temple early this morning.

*Did you know that birds start chirping around 3:00 in the morning? I didn't. However the last two nights I have realized that there is a bird that sits out in the tree to the side of my house that begins singing around that time. I know that the early bird gets the worm, but I think this bird is an over-achiever!

As I was walking out of the temple, a bride and her family were headed in. The bride had a look on her face that anyone would want to avoid having thrown their way and was complaining about the fact that it was raining. Not having enough sleep in my system, it was probably a good thing that I had just come out of the temple and so was reminded to be nice and hold my tongue.

The bride was probably around 24-26 years old, so maybe I should cut her some slack but I have to admit that it kind of made my blood boil for a minute.

Rain? Honestly you are complaining about it raining? Okay I get the whole, you want to have the "perfect" wedding day, but is a bit of rain honestly going to ruin that? All I could think about was the extremely cute, different from everyone else's pictures that could be possible to take in the rain. Who cares if your hair gets wet? Who cares if it washes some of your makeup off? I could just imagine having a picture of husband and wife jumping in a puddle together in full wedding attire with dripping hair, laughing. Or kissing as rain drops fall down around them. I suppose that I am just not very high maintenance and I shouldn't judge others but here is the real reason that I may or may not have been a bit perturbed about the situation.

There is a man that loves and adores you. There is a man that wants nothing more than to make sure of your happiness. There is a man that wants to come home to you each night. There is a man that wants to have a family with you. There is a man that wants to spend not only this life, but the eternities with you. There is a man waiting for you and only you at the alter in the House of God.

So again I ask . . . rain? Really you are going to focus on and complain about it raining?

2010-04-17T15:52:00.001-06:00

“We must not let attractions of the moment bring disaster for the eternities.”

Do your parents have a favorite story about you that they always seem to share? Mine have a couple about me. As I was thinking about some things that I am currently going through in my life, for some reason these stories popped into my mind. It amazes me how seemingly unconnected events can teach valuable life lessons.

According to my parents I was an easy going, good baby . . . with one exception (don’t you love that they always seem to have at least one exception). Even as a newborn I loved to be held, cuddled, rocked and sung to. The problem was that I loved it so much that I didn’t ever want to be put down. As my parents would relate the tale it went something like this:

They would burrito style wrap me nice and tight and then rock me to sleep. They would continue rocking and singing long after they knew that I was in a deep sleep just to be positive that I was out. Then they would quietly walk over to my crib and rock with me a while longer for another safety measure. Ever so gently they would lean over the side of the crib and carefully attempt to place me in the crib. They say that without fail the minute I was away from their body, about to be placed on the mattress, I would open my eyes and be wide awake. I wouldn’t cry. I just gave them a look of “please don’t let me go.” Although I think that my mom remembers the look saying something more like, “yeah right lady, you don’t get to go to sleep yet.”

To this day there is nothing more comforting or soothing to me than to be held in someone’s arms. For me having someone hold my hand, play with my hair, rub my shoulders, give me a hug, ect . . . fills my heart and soul with energy and causes me to feel loved and protected. I love to be touched! **um, let’s just put a stipulation on that and say by certain people.

The ironic piece of this is that I come from a family that is not so much into the showing of physical affection. As a child I think that I picked up on that and pushed it down inside me. I still keep that part of me in close surveillance and don’t let it out very often because I am aware that most of the population has personal space bubbles that they don’t like encroached. However I find that sometimes I have an extremely hard time controlling the urge to get close when I am feeling the love.

I truly believe that some of our personality traits come with our spirits when we are born into mortality and that we start exhibiting our strongest traits from birth. These physical bodies cannot control who we truly are. I believe that as we grow we sometimes choose to ultimately destroy our true self with destructive decisions/behaviors, but that our spirit will always yearn for becoming perfected in truth and light . . . desiring to return to our eternal home. I think that only as we choose to allow our spirit to choose the better part do we feel more like ourselves and find true happiness.

I rarely admit this next one. My nickname used to be pigpen. Isn’t that so loving and kind? I cannot believe that I am actually typing that on my blog. Oh well, if you know my family you would have found out sooner or later. Not to mention that my mom calls all of us muckerbutts still to this day which always brings this topic up.

As a toddler I had a very special way to eat ice cream cones. Sure most people choose to start at the top and work their way to the bottom, but not me. I have been told that the proper way to eat ice cream cones according to me was take a few licks of the top and then take a nice big bite out of the bottom of the cone. That way as the incredibly yummy chocolate ice cream would melt it would have a place to escape. Evidently eating ice cream with me was an adventure of sticky messiness.

Give me a mud puddle to tromp through or a rain storm to play in or a tree to climb or dirt to dig in or finger paint to paint with (get my drift) and I have always been one happy girl. I was never afraid to eat with my fingers or get food on my face, heck I even ate my fair share of dirt as a child. In my world there is nothing wrong with getting down and dirty. Don’t get me wrong, I can also be prim and proper at any given occasion and I even know which utensil to use for which course at a formal dinner setting. I clean up nicely and even enjoy dressing up. If I am honest with myself, I think that far too many people have only seen the prim and proper side of me out of fear that I will make a fool of myself.

Faith cannot survive where we allow fear to reside. Fear is debilitating and can steer us away from becoming and being our best selves. I believe that fear can derail us to the point that we accept less than what we should because we don’t feel worthy to have the best. I also think that fear keeps us from making certain decisions in our lives because we feel like if we don’t do it than we avoid failure or avoid visibly failing in front of others. Fear can paint us into a corner of believing that it isn’t possible to be any better than we already are until we believe that it isn’t, or worse, that we aren’t worth it. I believe that fear is one of Satan’s favorite tools. Destroy our faith and basically he is destroying us.

There has been so much on my mind as of late that in essence all comes back to a single part of my life. How often do you blink during any given day? That is how much it is on my mind. It is something that I know is right. The desires that I have are good and I just have to have faith in what I have been told. I can’t change my past. I choose to live and love deeply in the present. I know the future will be blessed with more happiness than I can even imagine. Letting go and giving up are just not an option.

2010-04-12T19:47:00.000-06:00

“Games lubricate the body and the mind.”

I am fairly easy going. I have a wide range of interests and really am willing to give most things a chance. Sometimes I find myself involved in a couple of different activities at the same time that typically don’t really naturally go together.

For instance:

Yesterday I found myself in the kitchen concocting three new dishes enjoying a bit of creativity all while watching the last day of the Masters. It was a great match and I have to admit that I was really glad that Mickelson ended up winning the green jacket. I may have even gotten a little teary eyed when he was hugging his wife at the end of the tournament (yep I’m a girl).

I don’t think that I will ever understand why some are unwilling to at least give trying new things a fair chance. The first time that I ever watched golf I was in Chicago in a hotel room on the Sunday of the Masters. It was the first green coat that Tiger won. I was captivated by the talent displayed. When I was telling some friends about it when I got back home, they decided to take me golfing. I don’t think a group of guys have ever laughed so hard during 9 holes of golf. Okay so I was horrible. The only good thing that they had to say was that I did hit the ball really straight . . . now if I could only hit it further than 50 feet at a time. However I would go again.

Cooking has always been something that I have enjoyed. Trying new dishes and cooking with ingredients that I haven’t used before makes me happy. Sometimes the dishes don’t turn out as great as I would like them to but that just means that I get to try it differently or know what not to do the next time. I must say that the desserts usually always turn out fabulous. I am great with sugar.

Maybe I just enjoy learning. Maybe I just enjoy being taught. Maybe I just think that life and people have so much to offer if we are willing to open ourselves up to new adventures.

2010-04-11T18:44:00.001-06:00

I should get something out of my talent . . . maybe I should start charging

About six months ago I was set up on one of those rare blind dates that goes great. The entire night we talked and laughed and just had a really fun evening together. He was going to be out of town the next week, but said that he would definitely call when he got back into town because he would love to see me again. Well as far as I knew, he never got back into town because he never did call again. Really I didn’t think much of it. Call me cynical, but I don’t ever get my hopes up because then the fall down isn’t as harsh.

I was chatting with the friend that set us up. We were just talking about random everyday kind of stuff when he said, “hey B remember so-and-so?”

“Sure,” I said, “how is he doing?”

My friend then said, “Well you will never guess what has happened and I have been meaning to tell you but totally forgot to until now.”

Now when someone starts out with “you will never guess” my mind automatically begins to come up with different scenarios that I can present as guesses. With this situation I didn’t even have to guess, I knew what had happened. So I piped in with, “let me guess, he got home from his business trip and took another girl out on a date and now he is engaged to her.”

Dead silence on the other end of the phone.

“Well am I right?” I questioned. He answered in the affirmative and then asked me how in the world I knew that. The answer to that was easy. I must have had at least enough interest (this doesn’t happen to me very often . . . it takes a lot to catch my interest) in him to want to go out again. I have this knack that if a guy goes out with me he is almost assured that he will marry the next girl he goes out with. I really am that scary. Really I should charge for those kinds of services. There are so many marketing possibilities. He is getting married in a month. Think I should send him a bill?

2010-04-06T16:10:00.002-06:00

"You were missed. It was she who never fully recovered. It was she who somehow knew you best . . . "

I have learned a few things over the course of the last little while. Learning is good right? After all is said and done, that is the purpose of us being here on this earth.

Friday morning as I was anticipating having to go to the doctor's office for my procedure, I became more and more filled with anxiety. I kept attempting to talk myself into the fact that I was being a baby and to stop being so ridiculous . . . . I could handle this. It wasn't until about an hour before I had to go that I lost the battle and the tears started flowing.

I pulled myself together as much as possible and walked down the hall to one of the owner's offices. I explained the situation to him and asked him for a priesthood blessing. He and a co-worker administered the blessing to me. **I believe that there was more than one lesson in this that I gained.

The doctor had told me the day before that IF someone was with me that they could give me Valium (I have a great story about Valium and wisdom teeth but that is a whole different blog for another day) to release some of the anxiety. My independent self told my parents not to drive the four hours because I was a big girl and would be fine. My boss told me that his wife was more than happy to come and sit with me. I hate to inconvenience anyone, especially a mom that already has eight children to worry about, so I thanked them and declined. That meant all thirty shots, all natural. Have I mentioned before that I am petrified of needles? Even though I more than likely wouldn't have taken the Valium, I did want someone there with me but it was a specific want.

I am proud to say that I only almost passed out on the doctor once. There were about five shots in a row that were incredibly painful and I felt myself slipping into a hot darkness. It may have been my head hitting the table quickly and a little too loudly, but the doctor noticed and stopped until I was seeing the light of day again or maybe I was speaking coherent sentences again . . . I'm not sure which. Needless to say that I survived the whole ordeal and that it wasn't too awful.

I, more than normal, welcomed that it was Conference weekend. Church in pajamas!

One of the rules was that I had to wear thigh high compression socks for and couldn't get my legs wet for 48 hours. This meant no showers for me . . . it was all about the sponge baths. I did attempts to wash my hair. Oh to be a fly on the wall during that grand adventure. I am positive it was a sight to behold. Having someone there to wash it for me would have been a much better idea.

Another one of the rules was that I couldn't sit for or stand without moving for extended periods of time. They wanted me up and walking at least once an hour. Funny thing about that is when the body is healing, it makes you really tired. I was exhausted all weekend. All I wanted to do was cuddle on the couch. The green pillow came out of the downstairs closet and spent the weekend with me. It wasn't what I wanted, but it was the closest thing that I could get to it. I am not exactly sure when the shift from just wanting my mom when I am not feeling well happened.

I will say that my thighs look like someone has repeatedly beat me with a stick. The bruising is horrible and very unsightly. I am very excited for that to go away. Did you know that drinking pineapple juice helps heal the discoloration of bruises faster? Yeah, I didn't know that either. My dad is a genius!

Although I was fighting (which I may or may not have failed at several times) keeping my eyes open during Conference, I was definitely spiritually well fed. I think that I need to forward this next statement with the fact that I know that every single talk is important and that much can be gained from each and that we aren't supposed to necessarily have favorites and that they are all inspired . . . I know and I did gain much from all. However Elder Holland's talk on Saturday afternoon gained him my MVP award again (he got it last October too).

My spirit particularly resonates with truth spoken in bold plainness. I had some powerful impressions while he spoke and I know that my thoughts and feelings are exactly what and where they need to be and have been for years. The distinction made between true love and lust were powerful. I am currently reading The Miracle of Forgiveness again which possibly could have made his talk even more meaningful to me, but even so it was a reminder of just how much the Atonement works in each of our lives. I definitely held that pillow closer for the rest of the weekend. I will not give up. I do not want to, nor am I supposed to.

"Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around."

2010-04-05T15:39:00.002-06:00

Involuntary Huffing

I cannot tell a lie. As a child I loved the smell of rubber cement. I would take out that little paint brush attached to the lid and cover the palm of my hand, all the while breathing in that wonderful smell. I also loved (and still do) the smell of gasoline. The errand to the gas station is not always such a terrible nuisance like some other errands turn into.

Okay, okay so I admit that I enjoy the smell. However, I was never a huffer. The rubber cement thing only happened when I was already involved in an art project and the gasoline thing only happens while I am filling my tank. Natural hazards. I honestly can't remember the last time that I even have been around rubber cement. Do they even make it anymore? That is what we used to use in school . . . well that and Elmer's glue.

Anyway . . .

I think that I may have lost a few brain cells today. Since first thing this morning our office has been inundated with a potent mixture of smells. They are redecorating one of the empty suites on our floor and between fresh paint and wood varnish, I think that a minor headache has been accomplished.

Kids, don't try this at home . . . it is some nasty stuff.

2010-04-01T21:31:00.001-06:00

“Language is the means of getting an idea from my brain to yours without surgery.”

It has been a rough couple of weeks. I have really been attempting to focus on the positive things in my life, but I can’t say that I always manage to win that battle.

I am grateful that I have a somewhat warm house again. He was able to bring my furnace alive long enough to heat it enough for me to at least be comfortable for the night. He brings the new part tomorrow.

Another shake up at work today and a bigger one is scheduled for tomorrow. Bringing in a knife to cut the tension in the office is now a necessity. I believe that it is going to be three more tomorrow.

I have to go in tomorrow afternoon for a procedure. I am really not looking forward to it. They scheduled it today. It is probably best that I don’t have a full day to think about it because I would more than likely keep putting it off. Anything to do with needles makes my knees weak. Yes, I am a huge baby when it comes to having to get shots and having to get more than 30 in one sitting makes me want to throw up a little. They told me that I will be bruised all the way down my legs for a couple of days and I have to wear leg bands. Think I can make a new fashion statement?

Sorry for the random blah, but sometimes it just has to be put out into the universe.

2010-03-31T20:20:00.003-06:00

Baby it's cold outside . . . . and inside!

My heater stopped working again around 7:30 tonight.

I turned it off and after 30 minutes of it continuing to blow cold air, well I finally realized a way to make it stop.

I flipped the breaker switch.

Brilliant!

I can't believe it took me 30 minutes to think of that.

I think it is going to get a bit cold tonight.