Just Rannin' Around

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

When you learn something about yourself, one would think that you would take that information and change by either implementing or destroying the aforementioned piece of knowledge.

I have been looking at the patterns that occur in my life and wondering if I have any control over changing them. When dealing with others I have realized that the same things continue to happen and the only common factor involved is me. Well as much as that is a great piece of information, what do I need to change in my life in order to stop this cycle from re-occuring.

Fear, an incredibly ugly word. I fear sharing myself with others. Why? Because if I do, I open myself up to be hurt and let others see every flaw that I possess. I have been hurt, more than I care to remember, however the pain stays very vivid in my mind, creating a strong invisable barrier that has to be broken through if one wants to get close to me. This is a weakness that I have to work through. Don't get me wrong, I don't hold anything against anyone because I can't blame them for my feelings. I do have a tendency to withdrawl back into myself and not share. I am extremely talented at moving the subject of discussion from me to the other person. This allows me to stay safe. The issue: it is detrimental to the progression of a relationship for me to stay "safe". The solution: open up realizing hurt is part of life and that if someone truly cares, they will look past the weaknesses and love me anyway.

Love, sometimes too much. So once I get past the initial fear and begin to trust I have this nasty habit of jumping from the high dive head first before looking to see if the pool is even filled with water. That will leave a mark! As much as I like to hide it, I am a big softy. I strive on being able to do things for myself. I am the independent girl that doesn't need anyone for anything, riiiight. If that isn't the biggest bunch of bunk that I have created for people around me to believe. Sure I don't need someone to come over to change my lightbulbs, but I need people. The issue: Once I trust and know how I feel, I feel so strong and want to give so much that I open my heart completely which is scary for the receiver. The solution: Fill the pool before jumping in idiot!

Running, first instinct. Sure it is always easiest to run at the first time of trouble which goes right back to building up the walls to protect myself. Relationships, I don't care of which type you are talking about, are always going to be a struggle and work. It is a matter of trying to combine two individuals that have different life experiences. Honestly it is worth the fight. The past is exactly that, move forward. Deal with things as they come rather than assuming that it will end as it always has. This is a new situation with a new person, things have the possibility of working out differently. The issue: Running shoes are my friends, it is safer for me and the other person. The solution: Put past experiences behind and work forward together.

Of course with another person being involved, one never has sole control over what ultimately happens.


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home


Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones