Suddenly I see.

Talking. Laughing. Learning. Loving. Enjoying.

Teaching. Knowing. Growing. Sharing. Desiring.

Tasting. Feeling. Seeing. Hearing. Smelling.

Jumping. Running. Sitting. Skipping. Hiking.

Listening. Caring. Discussing. Pondering. Fulfilling.


So many different words listed and so many more which only begin to describe. I have come to an understanding concerning words. They don’t manage to fully explain any emotion that I experience. I don’t imagine that I would ever possibly be able to express my feelings with words and at times that can be frustrating. Maybe I need to learn more of them or quite possibly I need to invent new ones. However I still have a creeping suspicion that they would do no justice for explaining my emotions.

I typically have a lack of words. I know it isn’t because I don’t have anything to say. I know that I love to listen. I hunger to know what is happening below the surface. I long to understand the bubbling of emotions of others and I love to feel that closeness that only occurs as someone attempts to put those feelings into our simple language. I desire to feel trusted and needed.

I have noticed that very few have been able to encroach my walls. I want everyone to tell me all about them, but find it incredibly difficult for me to share. Sometimes it is because I sense that honestly they don’t care and really don’t want to listen. Other times I think it is due to my lack of knowing how to open up and share myself. I wonder if they teach a class on how to do that. Overall my thoughts are that I find others are just much more fascinating than myself. It allows me to get out of myself for a while and experience a little of what others are experiencing.

Other things that have occurred to me....

Totally ironic, but I have a harder time opening up to someone that I am interested in than someone for whom I don’t have any romantic feelings. This is an easy answer to why for me. I am petrified that I will say the wrong thing or that by getting to know who I truly am will frighten them away. I am sure that it is the same for a lot of people. It is my way of hiding. Kind of like when someone is unwilling to look me in the eyes while talking to me. I know that they don’t want me to see something for fear that I would be frightened away or judge them.

I do more sharing while teaching than in any other aspect of my life. I know more tears are shed on Sundays than any other day. Not because I am sad but due to the fact that I am able and more comfortable sharing a part of me that is the deepest and dearest to my heart which includes experience with friends and family.

I guess the goal that comes with this is something that I have been trying to improve on my entire life. Be more open. Let my walls crash to the ground even with the full understanding that my heart is totally on the line. I guess that only those that risk big gain the big rewards. However I know I will need a lot of help and encouragement.