Just Rannin' Around

Monday, May 02, 2005

Testing, testing…..this thing on?

Most of the time when I blog, I like to tell stories or write in a way that allows me to hide some of the things (not that it works except with those who don’t know me) with which I have been struggling. Today is going to be a day when I am just brutally honest with myself and straight forward.

My life has not been the perfect little storybook tale most assume it has been. Not that I haven’t been incredibly blessed throughout my short lifetime, but I have some deep seeded insecurities that drive some of my actions. Let me start with an easy one that I have full on admitted. Everywhere we go, I drive. Not that I prefer to drive because I really don’t enjoy driving. So why do I? I think that I will be forgotten and left. If I have the keys then I can’t be left. This has never happened to me. I have never been left anywhere even when I pretend to override my own anxiety and let some else drive. I am working on it.

Now time for my newest admittance of insecurities that I have discovered and need to overcome…..

I have never lacked for friends in my life. If I look back, I discover that I have always been surrounded by people. Actually the joke in family is that I can’t go anywhere without running into someone that knows me and greets me with a huge hug. That joke was only enlarged when my mom’s heart surgeon came out to the waiting room after finishing her surgery to let us know how everything went and he walked straight over to me, wrapped his arms around me and said, “JRA I didn’t know this was your mom”. Pretty much, I will now never live it down.

However there was something that was incongruent with the whole picture. All through high school even though I was friends with everyone from the cheerleaders to those who were out smoking during lunch, I was rarely invited to do things with the different groups. I know why because I asked. I was friends with too many “groups” and everyone assumed that I already had plans with someone else. I was never asked to a dance. Why? Everyone assumed someone had already asked me.

I didn’t stop my life, nor did I even really think about it until later in life. Don’t get me wrong, I never sat at home. I learned at a really young age that if I wanted things to happen, I had to do the work. I had to make the plans and the calls. This is the life that I have known for all of my adult life. I am the Queen of perpetuating the “hang out”. Last night I was admonished not to do so anymore.

For those who know me, know I take the council that I receive from the leaders of the church that I attend serious. When they say don’t or stop, I say okay. For example, when they came out and said not to watch R-rated movies, I haven’t seen one since. When new inspired council and direction comes out from the Quorum of the Twelve and First Presidency, I pray about it to know for myself and then make necessary changes and move forward……usually without much trauma, usually.

Last night I attended a meeting where a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles was addressing the single young adults. Topic being discussed: Dating has been replaced with hanging out. I agree with this statement and have realized that the world has been slowly moving this way for many a year now. Actually the other night at a religion class that I was taking my instructor said, “Hanging out was invented in Hell by Lucifer” and I completely agree.

It wasn’t the topic with which I had issues. My issues came when Elder Oaks stated that men needed to ask women out on dates. Dates consisted of the three “P’s”-planned ahead, paid for, and paired off. Then he stated that women are making it too easy for men not to ask women out on dates by having group activities ready for each weekend. My issue…I am the one planning those outings so that I have something to do. My insecurity is that if I don’t plan it, I won’t be invited. I can count on both hands the number of men that have asked me out on a date. As many of my male friends so put it, I am not the type of girl that one dates, I am the type of girl that one marries. I am still not sure what that means.

So I am torn, but I am sure that things will become clear and I will be able to do what I am supposed to even though it may not be easy.

6 Comments:

  • Dear JRA,
    I don't know what to say... I want to make things easier for you and I don't know how. I for one have enjoyed the activites you have always planned, and as sad as I am that the weekly variety will be going away soon, I think that this has to yeild some outstanding results due to the fact that you are following inspired council. We all know that has never let anyone down in the end.
    Much love.

    By Blogger Sarah, At 4:09 PM  

  • Hi JRA. I really don't think that you wouldn't be invited places if you're not the one doing the planning. As for being asked on a date...i just have to say, there are so many guys missing out! Seriously. Most of them don't know a good girl when they see one. Or on the reverse side; they don't 'see' a good girl when they know one. heh heh. You could look at it either way i guess. Anyhow, I agree with cellular that something really great will come out of your decision to follow the council given sun night. You, my friend, deserve the best out there and you will get it. Never forget that I love you. :)

    By Blogger Mi Mi, At 6:23 PM  

  • You and I have THE WEIRDEST things in common. In high school I was never asked to a dance for the same reason. I was the group activity planner for most of my first two years of college. I stopped being the planner when I knew I had found someone reliable that would take that over.

    Anyway, looking back, I never REALLY experienced that important step of group dating... Maybe we should give that a try. (GUYS, that's your cue. We can't plan it for you. ;)

    JRA, you don't have to plan things... it's not your JOB. Anyway, we can always have girls-night.

    By Blogger Kate, At 6:37 AM  

  • I feel very lucky...member that one time when i drove and you rode shotgun. I didn't even leave you and never would!! :)

    By Blogger Some call me MiMi...but you can call me whatever you want., At 9:10 AM  

  • JRA,

    Very good post. What you said about the range of your friendships (cheerleaders to smokers. How about nerds?) inspired me to write a blog about the patterns of my friendships. Am working on it.

    By Blogger David Cho, At 10:47 AM  

  • Of course the nerds, everyone! I love people! Everyone has something to teach and to share. If you don't take the time to meet as many people from all walks of life and interests, you are the one that will be missing out.

    By Blogger B, At 11:14 AM  

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