“All athletic contests have boundaries, lines drawn on the floor or on the field within which every participant must stay in order to compete.  The Lord has drawn lines of worthiness for those called to labor with him in this work.  Whoever you are or whatever you have done, you can be forgiven.  Come join the ranks.”  -Jeffrey R. Holland

I have been pondering a lot on the repentance process.  It hasn’t just been recently.  It has been a subject that I have wrestled with for quite some time now.  In the past I have always been able to come to peace with repentance because I have been able to fulfill all the necessary conditions.  This time I am lacking being able to what for me feels complete by not being able to apologize and ask for forgiveness from the other party. 

I absolutely hate to admit when I am wrong or when I have done something wrong.  I will full on admit that this is partly why I truly attempt to just make the righteous decision from the start.  It saves me the pain and embarrassment that I know will come later.  However because I am so not close to being perfect, I make mistakes small, large and everywhere in between ALL. THE. TIME.  Try as I might, I fail.  Sometimes I make the same mistakes over and over again to the point of frustration and wanting to throw the white flag up in defeat. 

Circumstances being as they are I am having to live with the consequences of my decisions.  A couple of stupid decisions that have cost me more heartache than I knew was possible and lost me so much joy.  It is hard to step back and realize that there is a destructive pattern in your life.  To be able to actually see each small flaxen cord that has been carefully wrapped around you from beginning to now is a frightening awakening.  It is nobody’s fault but my own.  I knew better.  The cost has been more than I can bear.  There is always a price with consequences and you never get to pick what they entail.

It will never get back to the right person just how sorry I am that I made the decisions that I did.  That I would make wiser, better decisions if only it were possible to change them which would hopefully change the outcome.  I take full responsibility for my actions and for my decisions.  I know I need to live up to the higher standard and I completely failed to do so.  Can I rationalize why I did what I did?  Yes, but that would get me right back into the position I am now.  I know nothing I can say or do will ever bring back what I have lost, but for what it’s worth I am deeply sorry and I know I failed you.