All those fairytales . . . .

 I haven’t written in a really long time.  I have been deciding whether or not to continue blogging.  My life is such a mess and in so much chaos that I know I haven’t been much of myself lately and my writing is showing it.  However I know that I love to write.  Writing is calming for me.  It is a release button on the pressure cooker of my life.  So I even thought for a moment about putting an end to this blog and starting a completely anonymous blog where I felt like I could write uninhibited but that would probably not be the healthiest thing for me right now either.  For now, my sentimental attachment to this blog is going to keep me here.

Do you ever get tired of making decisions?  Trying to get settled into my new home, decisions seem to be chasing me at every turn.  This isn’t my first rodeo so one would assume that I would be prepared and would have fully understood what came along with buying a new home.  Honestly I can’t say as any of it comes as a surprise, I just forgot how much work is really involved.  In the midst of making decisions I am also in a full fledge battle with the gophers and voles that like to dig up my yard.

Really I know what everything boils down to and I’ve really had to decide to come to peace with some extremely harsh realities in my world.  As I was reading my scriptures last night, I re-read a passage that has had powerful meaning in my life and I was once again blown over by what I know was being spoken to me.  The most convincing part is that I didn’t turn to this scripture but I am re-reading the New Testament from beginning to end and this just “happened” to be in my ten pages of reading last night.

“He staggered not at the promise of God through unbelief; but was strong in faith, giving glory to God; And being fully persuaded that, what he had promised, he was able also to perform.”  -Romans 4: 20-21

That scripture on more than one occasion has reached out and nabbed my attention.  This time however, it reached out and smacked the back of my head with a two-by-four.  Sometimes the Spirit doesn’t just whisper . . . at least not in my case when I’m being pouty and angry. 

There have been so many scriptures and so many reminders that what God promises, He fulfills.  I allow Satan in far too often and he easily persuades me to doubt the promises that I have received in my life because I don’t see the how or when.  Lack of understanding, along with disappoint and frustration are never a good combination for me.  Add the need of patience and I am a complete disaster. 

By far, this promise that I have has tested my faith and endurance more than I ever thought I was capable of handling.  Let me add that I have not been even slightly graceful through the process.  For now, my eyes and heart are open and I have a new resolve to attempt to see the rest of it through (however long that may be) with a better attitude and hopefully some semblance of grace, faith, trust and patience. 

I may not understand.  I may not see.  But He does.