What to do?

I am bored....something has to change. I realize that boredom is a state of mind and as my dad reminds me every time I say that I am bored, “only those who have weak minds can enter a state of boredom.” It is his little nudge to encourage me to get back up and continue to live on higher playing grounds. Like every great dad, he always manages to believe in me and that I have the ability to soar. Call it an oversized ego which has been carefully installed in me by loving parents, but I know it is true. I can, I have no doubt, do anything that only involves me if I am willing to put in the blood, sweat and tears.

The truth is that self esteem is not a problem for me. Sure I have my bad days where I think that I can’t ever do anything right and woe is anyone that has to endure the likes of me because I am such a miserable excuse of a human being. Those days however, are extremely few and far between. If ever found in a state where the back of my hand is placed dramatically on my forehead, one should quickly exit and come back the next day. See deep down where it counts, I know that I am intelligent, caring, funny, beautiful, hard working, strong, trustworthy, talented and so on. However, even with the knowledge that I carry concerning all the attributes listed and those not listed, it still is scary to decide to do something new. Why? That is easy, because what if all of the weaknesses I have which number as many as my strengths win this time and I fail!

So fear enters the picture. Fear. What a horrible little adversary that holds us back from obtaining so many different things which would make us incredibly happy! Fear of not being good enough and therefore not deserving. Fear, stops us in our tracks and makes it virtually impossible to move forward. Fear makes what is currently playing out in our lives seem so spectacular because it is familiar and comfortable. Just like road kill, fear has to be squashed and moved aside.

I am learning valuable lessons.....again. I make my happiness. I can decide to be as happy or as miserable as I want. I don’t hate my job, but it hasn’t been my favorite place to be for the past few years. Currently I am working to fix that situation. I have enrolled in classes. I am working towards getting my travel agent license. This will allow me to not only make a change when I choose, but it will allow me more flexibility to do the very thing that I enjoy the most, travel. This however is only a step. I have also been looking seriously into finally taking the LSAT and applying for law school, although is a goal that is a little further out in the plans.

With law school will come a change in location. I was asked a little while ago why I still lived in Utah. Without time to answer, it was proceeded with, “You will never find what you are looking for here.” I wish that I would have had time to do some follow up to determine exactly what was meant, sadly the conversation was interrupted. I think that the statement is more true than I care to admit. The word intimidation comes quickly to mind and my gag reflex is the next to kick into gear. The problem is that the more that I accomplish doesn’t make that word disappear, but accelerates it to great heights. I don’t think that I am intimidating at all, of course I live with me every day and see where I lack.

I know what my ultimate goal and aspiration is, but until that comes I have to continue to better myself and work toward becoming a daughter that a daddy is proud to call His.