“There is no rule more invariable than that we are paid for our suspicions by finding what we expected.” - Henry David Thoreau

I have been separating myself from the world for almost three weeks now. Not deliberately, but rather it has been a consequence of an inward inspection. Occasionally life requires an exhaustive examination of oneself . . . basically a good, old-fashioned spring cleaning of the soul.

In an attempt to not exacerbate the process, I always start with the dirtiest area first. That way I know that I have tackled the hardest work immediately while I am still strong and resolute. It is like starting with the bathrooms . . . my least favorite because it takes the longest time and requires the most detail, but once finished the rest of the cleaning seems light.

I can say unequivocally that I know what I want out of life. This brings immeasurable amounts of peace while also causing some indescribable pain. Although that would seem to be contradictory, it just isn’t. I have trials and tribulations that take me well beyond what I think that I can handle. Life is not easy. However, I can honestly say that I am happy and for the most part find much joy in the journey. It is possible because of the beginning sentence of this paragraph and more so because I know who I am.

“The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.” - Mother Teresa

I don’t think that it is possible to genuinely love someone else until there is a love of self. That comes from knowing that if my own cup is empty, how is it even possible to offer to help fill another’s. I think far too many wonder searching for and accepting other things slapping the label of love over it. Most of it is fleeting and in the long run, disappointing. There is only one True Source to keep the cup full. Once that Love is running into the cup, it not only fills it but allows it to overflow so that it can be shared. It is the only way.

Happiness runs this exact course. Once the Source of happiness is found, no matter what is or isn’t happening becomes secondary to knowing. There is an abiding comfort when choosing the right course. Life may turn upside down and spit in my face, but really it doesn’t matter. Yes it is painful, but it ultimately doesn’t matter. It is what I choose to do with what is given to me that matters. This life is 100% about agency. We get to choose who to follow. We get to choose who to love. It is about choosing in every single circumstance and then working, working, working.

“Men build too many walls and not enough bridges.” - Sir Isaac Newton

It is instinctual to build those walls once pain has infiltrated. In my life I have been a master wall builder. This is one of my greatest weaknesses. I have recently realized that I have acquired new bricks. I don’t remember how I got them, but I do know that I don’t want them. I am tired of building.

Brick one down. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was get over a relationship. I have learned that sometimes just because it is the freshest doesn’t mean that in retrospect that it was the hardest or that in some ways it still is a struggle.

Brick two down. Sometimes I know what people enjoy and so I purposely have it at my house specifically for them. My fear in admitting that is that they just might figure out that I care.

Brick three down. I hold back. I don’t say everything I am thinking (I guess most everyone already knows this one). I don’t give everything that I would honestly like to. I hide my emotions out of fear of rejection. I hold back from putting my heart into a lot of things. Sometimes I slip slightly, but I then I overcompensate and hate myself for overcompensating later.

Here comes the anxiety from just throwing those off the wall. . .

This is going to create a lot of pain within myself and these walls are not going down over night. I guess my worse fear is that when the dust settles from bringing the walls down, I will find myself standing alone and all of my protection gone.