“Words and hearts should be handled with care for words when spoken and hearts when broken are the hardest things to repair.”

Sometimes I am not sure how I get myself into these things. I was invited to present at an event last week to 60 business owners from all different industries. The topic was network marketing. After my bio was read I went to the front of the room and quickly made an assessment of my audience. Including myself, there were only nine women and I only knew about 25 of the people in the room. I took a breath and asked my favorite question . . . . “who in this room just loves to make cold calls?” . . . . and the discussion was off.

When I got back to work that afternoon I was doing a mental breakdown of how I thought that it went and what I could do to improve my speaking abilities and I couldn’t help laughing. I am really weird (yes I do know this). According to surveys, most people fear public speaking more than death . . . that’s right, death! I don’t know what the disconnect in my brain is, but I have a love of public speaking. There is something so satisfying to me about sharing knowledge and thoughts and ideas with others. I guess that I don’t connect that I am in front of people rather, for me, it is the information that is in front of people. It isn’t about me but the content. That is the only possible solution that I could come up with as to why it doesn’t make me nervous.

In my Patriarchal Blessing it tells me that I will have the opportunity to speak often to large groups. When I received my blessing in my early teenage years I wondered what that meant and how it would possibly happen, but really didn’t focus too much on it. As I have read and re-read my blessing I can see a carefully laid pathway that has brought me to the fulfilling of this passage.

Now I have to admit that I fought against taking that path during my life. When I finished my Associates degree at Dixie College, I applied for and came up to the University of Utah admitted to the College of Business. I tend to be a bit (okay that might be an under exaggeration) on the logical side of things. I knew that I needed to be prepared for anything that life might throw at me which meant that I needed to be prepared to financially care of myself and a future family if anything tragic ever happened. A business degree was the logical solution to me.

My first year up at the U was spent fighting the business college and frustrated with the way that they ran things and the hoops that they wanted me to jump through. After much thought and agony (because I knew it would set graduation back 4 months), I felt really good about changing my major to communication . . . although I was concerned because where would a degree in communication ever get me?! Honestly those were my thoughts. I couldn’t have been happier with my decision however because life at the U went from pure hell to heaven within one quarter.

Kicking against the pricks, as the analogy goes, never gets me to where I will ultimately be the happiest or where I will enjoy the journey the most. Instead I have found that giving up my will for the will of my Heavenly Father always rewards me with blessings beyond my wildest dreams or imagination. I have learned to suck up my own pride and realize that it is because He knows me far better than I know myself.

This may seem, and it probably is, a minor example but looking at the rest of my life I see that my feet are still bloody because I am still kicking against the pricks in several different areas of my life. One of which is faith that Heavenly Father will bless me with the things that He has promised. If I don’t see the blessings or can’t see how it is even possible to obtain certain blessings (because of my extremely limited sight), I immediately relinquish hope that it will/can happen.

I come up with every excuse in the book as to why it won’t/can’t happen and give up the hope mostly out of fear that if I hope, pain could be involved. It is just easier (at least this is what I convince myself of) to not hope and avoid the pain altogether. Then I get mad . . . mad at myself for not having faith and hope and usually mad at Heavenly Father (I am not saying that it is right, but I am being honest).

Not to be included in my proudest moments is the fact that I sometimes I give an earful to God. Tell Him why I think that it is cruel for him to promise me blessings that I just don’t think will ever be possible. Of course after I cool down, a very patient and loving Father wraps me in His arms and whispers that although I may not see the possibility, He who sees all from beginning to end, knows the final outcome and would never make a promise that wouldn’t not be fulfilled. Then we tenderly bandages my bleeding feet and warns me again to avoid the briar patches of unbelief.

In the bible I read that “with God nothing is impossible”. The thing that this passage doesn’t state is that it is on His timeline and not mine. I must remember that I am the servant and He is the master. With Him I can overcome even the darkest parts of myself and that no matter how many times I fail, He will never, ever give up on me. I am most precious to Him because I am His daughter.