“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

I currently have two very visible bruises on my leg.  I gained said bruises fighting with a pole (no, not that kind of pole . . . get your mind out of the gutter).  The pole won.  I went away wounded and it was unscathed. 

Now I don’t know about anyone else, but when I have a bruise I have this overwhelming urge to poke it . . . just to see if it still hurts.  Stupid right?!  Yet there it sits all black and blue, calm and dormant until a bit of pressure is applied.  Only then does it scream out in pain. 

Another type of bruise has become overwhelmingly visible to me.  I realized it only after a name was mentioned and I immediately felt the blood rushing from my heart through my body at quickening speeds and my hands automatically curl into fighting position.

For the most part I am a forgiving person.  I don’t see any reason to hold things against people assuming that no harm was viciously meant.  I let almost all things just roll off my back and truly forget it even happened.  My theory is why spend my time worrying about things which I have no control and I definitely have no control over the words, feelings and actions of others.

I discovered there are exceptions to that theory of mine.  I had to fully face it as it was poked and the pain came rushing back.  I have come to terms that there are a handful of people that I have never forgiven.  These are people that I don’t ever think about but when they are mentioned the above described reaction occurs.

As I have taken on the task of fixing the situation, I am finding that it is extremely more difficult than I ever could have imagined.  Why?  I honestly feel like these few people honestly set out to inflict pain.  Knowing full well exactly what they were doing and proceeded with malicious intent.  How does one go about forgiving that?

I am fully aware of all my weaknesses, most of which have come up to bite at me over the last while with brute force.  I know that I am not innocent in the game of life . . . not by a long shot.  So now I just need to forgive and let go after all they are years and years in the past.  It does me absolutely no good to hold onto these feelings. 

I am trying.