“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” –CS Lewis

Out of control busy is all it said in my calendar for January.  I was getting into work between 5:30-6:00 every morning and didn’t see the out of doors again until 9:00-9:30 every night.  There were some side effects from working that much, but it didn’t kill me.  The one bonus is that it will make for a nice commission check . . . although I decided years ago and still stand by the fact that money just isn’t worth the pain. 

While I was busy working my home has been violated.  At least that is how it feels to me.  It is more than a little weird for me to have complete strangers going through my home while I am not there.  Some of that may possibly be occurring for the mere fact that I wasn’t truly ready to move on.  This is a home filled with memories, my memories.  It is the place where I have hung my heart for the past 13 years.  Random strangers don’t belong in my home.

That changed about two days ago as things started slowing down for me and I was better able to focus.  Some of the side effects of working too much is that my guard about other issues completely crashes to the ground and I allowed emotions and dreams to occur that I would other wise have the strength to bury.  I have now grasped the fact that I am really selling my house.  Sure I have no idea what I am supposed to do next or where I will end up, but I do know that this is the first step.

For those that really know me, know that I am a control freak.  I like to see all my cards and know what my next move will be.  Right now I am walking around in absolute darkness bumping into and tripping over everything.  I can’t find even find the table which means that being dealt a hand is out of the question.  The only card I have is the one that I already had which is the one with the house on it and I know I have to hand that card away. 

Now that I am ready for that to be taken, I just want it done already.  I am ready to close this door behind me.  My memories come with me, I just won’t have the visual stimulation to prompt them as often.  I have an office full of boxes and I am now fully ready to pack and leave.  There is nothing more that I can accomplish here.  Time to keep myself moving, even if that means doing it in the dark resulting in getting more bumps and bruises that hurt.