I am happy! It has been a while since I could say that. The explaination to why I have finally gotten back to being truly happy is due to the fact that I am being completely honest with myself. That is not an easy thing to accomplish for me. I have run square in the face with insecurities that are very painful, but now that I know that they are there, I can start down the road to fixing them.

I have a deep love for people. I love people from every walks of life. For the most part, I will go out of my way to make sure everyone around me is comfortable and is taken care of. I am quick to love and forgive people. I have a large circle of friends who, I don't doubt, love me, would do anything for me and think very highly of me. I love to do things for people that might make them smile, if only for a moment.

Here is my over share for the day..... I have discovered that I truly don't believe that someone in a dating relationship could like me enough to stick around, so why would I ever believe that anyone could ever love me and want to share eternity with me. I know from where this comes; it is called past experiences. It usually only takes about 30 days of dating before they decide that they just aren't interested anymore. I am so grateful that they remain my friends. There isn't a guy that I have dated that still doesn't count me as a friend. Even the first boyfriend (this was when I was 18, ages ago), who may or may not have slept with my sister's best friend while we were still dating, occationally drops in to see my family to ask how I am doing. He even called me about a year ago to chat and tell me about his new baby. Another ex that I talk to more frequently and who I have asked what is wrong with me, insists that it isn't me. I just have that common factor theory that swirls through my head....the only common factor in every one of my relationships is me.

I am not sure this issue is even something that I can fix since I have no control over anothers agency. I can't make them have interest in me. I can't make them love me, nor would I want to. I want someone to be with me because they love me, they want to be better when they are with me and they just feel better when I am with them. I know that I will feel that way about the person whom I eventually choose. Everyone always tells me that there is nothing wrong with me and that the guys just aren't good enough for me, excuse me when I say bullshit! I wouldn't choose to date anyone that I thought I was too good for them or that they didn't deserve me. Everyone has things to work on, everyone has baggage. If the person I choose to date makes me feel like I need to improve and that both of us are working toward the same major goals, we are equal. My issues/baggage is different, not less.

Cautious? Yes I am. My first kiss was the summer after high school and I have only kissed 6 men total, all of which I was dating at the time the kissing occurred. I didn't even ever play kissing tag in elementary school because I was always "busy" playing the mom by taking care and sheltering the other girls from those kisses they didn't want. I have only told two men that I love them and meant it past friendship or was a family member. One in person in which a wedding date had been set and one in writing that came too late. I don't just throw things out there. If I say it, I mean it. Take it for what it is worth.

Oh what do I know? Maybe I am better off being single. I do know that I would rather be happy and single than with someone who really doesn't love me.