“Nothing stands out so conspicuously or remains so firmly fixed in the memory, as something which you have blundered.” -
It has been over three years since I last went out on a date . . . which for me also means that it has been over three years since I have been kissed. It isn’t that I haven’t been asked out or that I haven’t had the option of kissing, it is that a little over three years ago I made the decision to put myself up on a shelf and I’ve collected dust since then. Currently I am being aggressively pursued. Honestly I didn’t think that any male ego could take the rejection which I have spewed at him. Yet he continues to ask me out and bring me flowers and tell me that he will keep asking until I finally give in. It isn’t going to happen and I’ve informed him of this fact. I will admit that it is flattering. However there is a reason behind my madness that nobody else ever needs to know.
I’ve been inundated with random reminders as of late why I made the decision. It is probably just because of the time of year and it is more on my mind but it doesn’t make it any less difficult. The radio station that I listen to has constantly been playing Yeah by Usher lately. That is not a new release song and it always takes me by surprise. Of course who doesn’t automatically turn up the volume, car dance and sing at the top of your lungs every single time. There is also a mass of wildflowers growing in my neighborhood in the undeveloped lots. I’ve almost stopped a few times to gather some of them. There are several others but I won’t bore with the details.
There have been a lot of people pushing me lately as to why I’ve put myself into a dating time out and I give them great reasons but I always keep the real one to myself. Seriously I don’t think anyone would ever understand and honestly it is between me and Father. As long as I know we are traveling down the same pathway, I feel good about my decision. I have been reading some lately trying to square my life back up and so I picked up a book that gives ten reasons or chapters about why you’re not married. Here they are:
- You’re a bitch
- You’re shallow
- You’re a slut
- You’re crazy
- You’re selfish
- You’re a mess
- You hate yourself
- You’re a liar
- You’re a dude
- You’re Godless
So as I read the book I tried to stay as objective as possible because I am all about trying to make myself a better person. I found a few things here or there that I could work to improve upon but nothing that hit me in the gut and made me think that I definitely have issues. Of course then at the end of the book, she said that most people are blind to it themselves. So the question becomes, do you see me falling into any of these categories? Be honest and brutal. I won’t be angry, not even a little. I won’t take offense or even give you friendship penalties. After all, I am asking and I am ready to make any and all changes that are necessary. Not that I will be running out to date again. I really think that part of my life is finished and closed. I just think that I need to be better at personal relationships as a whole.
As for today. . . I will try not to think too much about things I have blundered and lost.