Just Rannin' Around

Friday, April 30, 2010

But I remember everything. I am still right here.

My plate is filled to the point of overflowing and yet I still seek to make additions. Anything to keep my mind, my hands and my heart otherwise diverted. I think that I continue to search out other options because it isn’t working. It is always right there . . . a gaping hole in the middle that is impossible to consign to oblivion.

Today I was mulling over the idea of going back to get my Master’s degree. Then I remembered that even though I love to learn, the classroom was never my favorite setting in which to do that. I always did well in school but I also never put any ambition into it either. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t know how else to say it . . . it was never a challenge. Looking back I sometimes think that I wish that I would have put more into my studies, but that thought typically goes away as quickly as it comes because I remember everything else outside of the classroom that I was learning and enjoying. I realize that I had a great balance and I wouldn’t have been me doing it any other way.

So I’m definitely not going back to school.

I am taking on as much as I possibly can at work. I am helping everyone. Something needs to get done and I am the first to volunteer. With even more cutbacks they let the receptionist go. The only thing that I have regretted volunteering for is to have my phone opened up to back up which means that every time a phone call rings more than twice it goes to overflow and rings into my office. For years the only time my phone rang in my office was if someone called my direct line. It has been two weeks and my heart still speeds up every time it rings.

Good thing that I still have health insurance.

Spring cleaning has become a hobby. I cleaned the treadmill/library room. All the book shelves were emptied and rearranged. I have also taken the liberty to scourer the linen closet. This is one of those places that I continue to stack things and hope that nobody will ever open the door because I would be embarrassed by what would be found . . . a huge mess. Feel free to look right now while it is organized and clean. I can’t promise how long it will stay that way.

Tomorrow I will hang pictures I love in the guest bedroom.

In the last nine days I have read two 400+ page novels. Reading is a massive escape tool for me. I have a soaring imagination that draws brilliant pictures and reading helps me to access total departure from my life. At least for a time I journey in someone else’s shoes, in their life, in their world. As I write this I have to wonder if that is why I do so much better reading the scriptures chronologically verses topic driven . . . I envision the story unfolding around me and it all becomes apart of me and I am more able to apply it. Sorry, interesting side note at least to me. It is something that I have used my entire life to get me through.

There will never be enough books to read.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

There is just nothing like spending time with one of my favorite little people and to think that I have twelve from which to choose.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Spring has sprung
The snow is still falling
You honestly except me to believe
In global warming?!

Friday, April 23, 2010

"Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?"

I went to the temple early this morning.

*Did you know that birds start chirping around 3:00 in the morning? I didn't. However the last two nights I have realized that there is a bird that sits out in the tree to the side of my house that begins singing around that time. I know that the early bird gets the worm, but I think this bird is an over-achiever!

As I was walking out of the temple, a bride and her family were headed in. The bride had a look on her face that anyone would want to avoid having thrown their way and was complaining about the fact that it was raining. Not having enough sleep in my system, it was probably a good thing that I had just come out of the temple and so was reminded to be nice and hold my tongue.

The bride was probably around 24-26 years old, so maybe I should cut her some slack but I have to admit that it kind of made my blood boil for a minute.

Rain? Honestly you are complaining about it raining? Okay I get the whole, you want to have the "perfect" wedding day, but is a bit of rain honestly going to ruin that? All I could think about was the extremely cute, different from everyone else's pictures that could be possible to take in the rain. Who cares if your hair gets wet? Who cares if it washes some of your makeup off? I could just imagine having a picture of husband and wife jumping in a puddle together in full wedding attire with dripping hair, laughing. Or kissing as rain drops fall down around them. I suppose that I am just not very high maintenance and I shouldn't judge others but here is the real reason that I may or may not have been a bit perturbed about the situation.

There is a man that loves and adores you. There is a man that wants nothing more than to make sure of your happiness. There is a man that wants to come home to you each night. There is a man that wants to have a family with you. There is a man that wants to spend not only this life, but the eternities with you. There is a man waiting for you and only you at the alter in the House of God.

So again I ask . . . rain? Really you are going to focus on and complain about it raining?

Saturday, April 17, 2010

“We must not let attractions of the moment bring disaster for the eternities.”

Do your parents have a favorite story about you that they always seem to share? Mine have a couple about me. As I was thinking about some things that I am currently going through in my life, for some reason these stories popped into my mind. It amazes me how seemingly unconnected events can teach valuable life lessons.

According to my parents I was an easy going, good baby . . . with one exception (don’t you love that they always seem to have at least one exception). Even as a newborn I loved to be held, cuddled, rocked and sung to. The problem was that I loved it so much that I didn’t ever want to be put down. As my parents would relate the tale it went something like this:

They would burrito style wrap me nice and tight and then rock me to sleep. They would continue rocking and singing long after they knew that I was in a deep sleep just to be positive that I was out. Then they would quietly walk over to my crib and rock with me a while longer for another safety measure. Ever so gently they would lean over the side of the crib and carefully attempt to place me in the crib. They say that without fail the minute I was away from their body, about to be placed on the mattress, I would open my eyes and be wide awake. I wouldn’t cry. I just gave them a look of “please don’t let me go.” Although I think that my mom remembers the look saying something more like, “yeah right lady, you don’t get to go to sleep yet.”

To this day there is nothing more comforting or soothing to me than to be held in someone’s arms. For me having someone hold my hand, play with my hair, rub my shoulders, give me a hug, ect . . . fills my heart and soul with energy and causes me to feel loved and protected. I love to be touched! **um, let’s just put a stipulation on that and say by certain people.

The ironic piece of this is that I come from a family that is not so much into the showing of physical affection. As a child I think that I picked up on that and pushed it down inside me. I still keep that part of me in close surveillance and don’t let it out very often because I am aware that most of the population has personal space bubbles that they don’t like encroached. However I find that sometimes I have an extremely hard time controlling the urge to get close when I am feeling the love.

I truly believe that some of our personality traits come with our spirits when we are born into mortality and that we start exhibiting our strongest traits from birth. These physical bodies cannot control who we truly are. I believe that as we grow we sometimes choose to ultimately destroy our true self with destructive decisions/behaviors, but that our spirit will always yearn for becoming perfected in truth and light . . . desiring to return to our eternal home. I think that only as we choose to allow our spirit to choose the better part do we feel more like ourselves and find true happiness.

I rarely admit this next one. My nickname used to be pigpen. Isn’t that so loving and kind? I cannot believe that I am actually typing that on my blog. Oh well, if you know my family you would have found out sooner or later. Not to mention that my mom calls all of us muckerbutts still to this day which always brings this topic up.

As a toddler I had a very special way to eat ice cream cones. Sure most people choose to start at the top and work their way to the bottom, but not me. I have been told that the proper way to eat ice cream cones according to me was take a few licks of the top and then take a nice big bite out of the bottom of the cone. That way as the incredibly yummy chocolate ice cream would melt it would have a place to escape. Evidently eating ice cream with me was an adventure of sticky messiness.

Give me a mud puddle to tromp through or a rain storm to play in or a tree to climb or dirt to dig in or finger paint to paint with (get my drift) and I have always been one happy girl. I was never afraid to eat with my fingers or get food on my face, heck I even ate my fair share of dirt as a child. In my world there is nothing wrong with getting down and dirty. Don’t get me wrong, I can also be prim and proper at any given occasion and I even know which utensil to use for which course at a formal dinner setting. I clean up nicely and even enjoy dressing up. If I am honest with myself, I think that far too many people have only seen the prim and proper side of me out of fear that I will make a fool of myself.

Faith cannot survive where we allow fear to reside. Fear is debilitating and can steer us away from becoming and being our best selves. I believe that fear can derail us to the point that we accept less than what we should because we don’t feel worthy to have the best. I also think that fear keeps us from making certain decisions in our lives because we feel like if we don’t do it than we avoid failure or avoid visibly failing in front of others. Fear can paint us into a corner of believing that it isn’t possible to be any better than we already are until we believe that it isn’t, or worse, that we aren’t worth it. I believe that fear is one of Satan’s favorite tools. Destroy our faith and basically he is destroying us.

There has been so much on my mind as of late that in essence all comes back to a single part of my life. How often do you blink during any given day? That is how much it is on my mind. It is something that I know is right. The desires that I have are good and I just have to have faith in what I have been told. I can’t change my past. I choose to live and love deeply in the present. I know the future will be blessed with more happiness than I can even imagine. Letting go and giving up are just not an option.

Monday, April 12, 2010

“Games lubricate the body and the mind.”

I am fairly easy going. I have a wide range of interests and really am willing to give most things a chance. Sometimes I find myself involved in a couple of different activities at the same time that typically don’t really naturally go together.

For instance:

Yesterday I found myself in the kitchen concocting three new dishes enjoying a bit of creativity all while watching the last day of the Masters. It was a great match and I have to admit that I was really glad that Mickelson ended up winning the green jacket. I may have even gotten a little teary eyed when he was hugging his wife at the end of the tournament (yep I’m a girl).

I don’t think that I will ever understand why some are unwilling to at least give trying new things a fair chance. The first time that I ever watched golf I was in Chicago in a hotel room on the Sunday of the Masters. It was the first green coat that Tiger won. I was captivated by the talent displayed. When I was telling some friends about it when I got back home, they decided to take me golfing. I don’t think a group of guys have ever laughed so hard during 9 holes of golf. Okay so I was horrible. The only good thing that they had to say was that I did hit the ball really straight . . . now if I could only hit it further than 50 feet at a time. However I would go again.

Cooking has always been something that I have enjoyed. Trying new dishes and cooking with ingredients that I haven’t used before makes me happy. Sometimes the dishes don’t turn out as great as I would like them to but that just means that I get to try it differently or know what not to do the next time. I must say that the desserts usually always turn out fabulous. I am great with sugar.

Maybe I just enjoy learning. Maybe I just enjoy being taught. Maybe I just think that life and people have so much to offer if we are willing to open ourselves up to new adventures.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

I should get something out of my talent . . . maybe I should start charging

About six months ago I was set up on one of those rare blind dates that goes great. The entire night we talked and laughed and just had a really fun evening together. He was going to be out of town the next week, but said that he would definitely call when he got back into town because he would love to see me again. Well as far as I knew, he never got back into town because he never did call again. Really I didn’t think much of it. Call me cynical, but I don’t ever get my hopes up because then the fall down isn’t as harsh.

I was chatting with the friend that set us up. We were just talking about random everyday kind of stuff when he said, “hey B remember so-and-so?”

“Sure,” I said, “how is he doing?”

My friend then said, “Well you will never guess what has happened and I have been meaning to tell you but totally forgot to until now.”

Now when someone starts out with “you will never guess” my mind automatically begins to come up with different scenarios that I can present as guesses. With this situation I didn’t even have to guess, I knew what had happened. So I piped in with, “let me guess, he got home from his business trip and took another girl out on a date and now he is engaged to her.”

Dead silence on the other end of the phone.

“Well am I right?” I questioned. He answered in the affirmative and then asked me how in the world I knew that. The answer to that was easy. I must have had at least enough interest (this doesn’t happen to me very often . . . it takes a lot to catch my interest) in him to want to go out again. I have this knack that if a guy goes out with me he is almost assured that he will marry the next girl he goes out with. I really am that scary. Really I should charge for those kinds of services. There are so many marketing possibilities. He is getting married in a month. Think I should send him a bill?

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

"You were missed. It was she who never fully recovered. It was she who somehow knew you best . . . "

I have learned a few things over the course of the last little while. Learning is good right? After all is said and done, that is the purpose of us being here on this earth.

Friday morning as I was anticipating having to go to the doctor's office for my procedure, I became more and more filled with anxiety. I kept attempting to talk myself into the fact that I was being a baby and to stop being so ridiculous . . . . I could handle this. It wasn't until about an hour before I had to go that I lost the battle and the tears started flowing.

I pulled myself together as much as possible and walked down the hall to one of the owner's offices. I explained the situation to him and asked him for a priesthood blessing. He and a co-worker administered the blessing to me. **I believe that there was more than one lesson in this that I gained.

The doctor had told me the day before that IF someone was with me that they could give me Valium (I have a great story about Valium and wisdom teeth but that is a whole different blog for another day) to release some of the anxiety. My independent self told my parents not to drive the four hours because I was a big girl and would be fine. My boss told me that his wife was more than happy to come and sit with me. I hate to inconvenience anyone, especially a mom that already has eight children to worry about, so I thanked them and declined. That meant all thirty shots, all natural. Have I mentioned before that I am petrified of needles? Even though I more than likely wouldn't have taken the Valium, I did want someone there with me but it was a specific want.

I am proud to say that I only almost passed out on the doctor once. There were about five shots in a row that were incredibly painful and I felt myself slipping into a hot darkness. It may have been my head hitting the table quickly and a little too loudly, but the doctor noticed and stopped until I was seeing the light of day again or maybe I was speaking coherent sentences again . . . I'm not sure which. Needless to say that I survived the whole ordeal and that it wasn't too awful.

I, more than normal, welcomed that it was Conference weekend. Church in pajamas!

One of the rules was that I had to wear thigh high compression socks for and couldn't get my legs wet for 48 hours. This meant no showers for me . . . it was all about the sponge baths. I did attempts to wash my hair. Oh to be a fly on the wall during that grand adventure. I am positive it was a sight to behold. Having someone there to wash it for me would have been a much better idea.

Another one of the rules was that I couldn't sit for or stand without moving for extended periods of time. They wanted me up and walking at least once an hour. Funny thing about that is when the body is healing, it makes you really tired. I was exhausted all weekend. All I wanted to do was cuddle on the couch. The green pillow came out of the downstairs closet and spent the weekend with me. It wasn't what I wanted, but it was the closest thing that I could get to it. I am not exactly sure when the shift from just wanting my mom when I am not feeling well happened.

I will say that my thighs look like someone has repeatedly beat me with a stick. The bruising is horrible and very unsightly. I am very excited for that to go away. Did you know that drinking pineapple juice helps heal the discoloration of bruises faster? Yeah, I didn't know that either. My dad is a genius!

Although I was fighting (which I may or may not have failed at several times) keeping my eyes open during Conference, I was definitely spiritually well fed. I think that I need to forward this next statement with the fact that I know that every single talk is important and that much can be gained from each and that we aren't supposed to necessarily have favorites and that they are all inspired . . . I know and I did gain much from all. However Elder Holland's talk on Saturday afternoon gained him my MVP award again (he got it last October too).

My spirit particularly resonates with truth spoken in bold plainness. I had some powerful impressions while he spoke and I know that my thoughts and feelings are exactly what and where they need to be and have been for years. The distinction made between true love and lust were powerful. I am currently reading The Miracle of Forgiveness again which possibly could have made his talk even more meaningful to me, but even so it was a reminder of just how much the Atonement works in each of our lives. I definitely held that pillow closer for the rest of the weekend. I will not give up. I do not want to, nor am I supposed to.

"Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around."

Monday, April 05, 2010

Involuntary Huffing

I cannot tell a lie. As a child I loved the smell of rubber cement. I would take out that little paint brush attached to the lid and cover the palm of my hand, all the while breathing in that wonderful smell. I also loved (and still do) the smell of gasoline. The errand to the gas station is not always such a terrible nuisance like some other errands turn into.

Okay, okay so I admit that I enjoy the smell. However, I was never a huffer. The rubber cement thing only happened when I was already involved in an art project and the gasoline thing only happens while I am filling my tank. Natural hazards. I honestly can't remember the last time that I even have been around rubber cement. Do they even make it anymore? That is what we used to use in school . . . well that and Elmer's glue.

Anyway . . .

I think that I may have lost a few brain cells today. Since first thing this morning our office has been inundated with a potent mixture of smells. They are redecorating one of the empty suites on our floor and between fresh paint and wood varnish, I think that a minor headache has been accomplished.

Kids, don't try this at home . . . it is some nasty stuff.

Thursday, April 01, 2010

“Language is the means of getting an idea from my brain to yours without surgery.”

It has been a rough couple of weeks. I have really been attempting to focus on the positive things in my life, but I can’t say that I always manage to win that battle.

I am grateful that I have a somewhat warm house again. He was able to bring my furnace alive long enough to heat it enough for me to at least be comfortable for the night. He brings the new part tomorrow.

Another shake up at work today and a bigger one is scheduled for tomorrow. Bringing in a knife to cut the tension in the office is now a necessity. I believe that it is going to be three more tomorrow.

I have to go in tomorrow afternoon for a procedure. I am really not looking forward to it. They scheduled it today. It is probably best that I don’t have a full day to think about it because I would more than likely keep putting it off. Anything to do with needles makes my knees weak. Yes, I am a huge baby when it comes to having to get shots and having to get more than 30 in one sitting makes me want to throw up a little. They told me that I will be bruised all the way down my legs for a couple of days and I have to wear leg bands. Think I can make a new fashion statement?

Sorry for the random blah, but sometimes it just has to be put out into the universe.


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