Just Rannin' Around

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Kicking against the Pricks

Stopping to take a breath, looking around I find myself in the middle of a brier field laden with fierce needles all seemingly aching to be the next to dig into my skin for the sole pleasure of causing me pain. Slowly my eyes move downward from the view of the needles to the throbbing of my legs. Everything from my knees down is covered in blood. Thousands of needles have penetrated my skin, most of which are either still there or have left a mark as a reminder of the damage it created.

How did I end up here? I don’t remember willing running into the brier field. I saw it on the left and knowingly made up my mind to avoid it at all costs. After all, I had been in it before and the unforgettable pain that it caused. Then I hear that laugh. The laugh that one not only hears, but feels and then it is known yet again that I failed.

“Good job stupid, you let me get you again.” Guilt and darkness begin to press in around as hope seems to start fading into some place that is unreachable. “I told you that you weren’t strong enough to stay on that road. I told you that it was too hard. You should really just give up and make it easier on yourself.”

I hate feeling like he is right. I hate feeling empty. I hate feeling the pain. I hate feeling the guilt. Then I start to remember and the throbbing in my legs increase. It was one little tiny mistake and I let it build from there rather than correcting the situation at the beginning. I stopped reading. Why did something so seemingly little end up with me in the middle of the brier patch? This time a different feeling, a soft voice enters my head and my heart.

“Sweet child, don’t you realize that you are mine?” Love and light lift me as if I am floating and tears immediately fill my eyes. “Mistakes are made and I have prepared a way for you to get back onto the path that it meant for you to take. Your potential is unlimited for you are Mine. Divine nature flows through your veins and you can accomplish and overcome everything that is placed in front of you if you are willing to trust and follow My will.”

I again look around me. From my vantage point there are two paths from which I have to choose. That of continuing further into the brier patch or that of making my way back to where I can have the pricks painfully plucked out, carefully dressed for healing and sent down a path which I can not see what was ahead. Neither way would be a quick to stop the pain for I was required to move through what I had already gotten myself into, but only one way would eventually stop the pain because it would take me out of the place that was causing it.

Happiness is a choice. Sometimes I think that we are deceived and lead to believe that we do not deserve to be happy because of the decision that we have made in our lives. When we hold to that idea it is becomes destructive because then we begin to think that what we do no longer matters. Instant gratification and pleasure is sought to fill the emptiness of not having true joy and happiness in our lives which typically perpetuate the cycle. The lie is that the brier patch doesn’t just stay at our knees as we continue deeper it slowly climbs until we can no longer see because it is over our heads. Every part of us aches wanting what we then believe is no longer possible. The truth is that we were sent here to learn, to grow, to return. The Plan is the Plan of Happiness, not just for some but for every single one of us no matter what mistakes we have made. There is a way. It requires work and dedication. However the ironic part is that the lone and dreary way is twice the work we just don’t look at it for some reason.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Reaffirmed once again…

It isn’t often that I have weekends that just make me smile until it starts making my cheeks hurt. Friday was nothing to scream about since I stayed home by myself, but it was nice to just sit and watch a sappy, romantic movie in my old comfortable clothes and eat chocolate cake warm out of the oven....won’t catch me complaining!

I have two brothers and my baby sister that live in or very near the Salt Lake Valley. My parents, two sisters and one brother are in St. George. On Saturday my brother from St. George was up visiting and so everyone up here decided to take me to dinner for my birthday. So the group of us (which included my three brothers, three sister-in-laws, my baby sister and her boyfriend and my three and nieces and one nephew....yes that does mean that with only half of my family present there were 13 people there) went to dinner.

I adore my brothers. Don’t get me wrong I love every single person in my family, but there is a connection that I have with my brothers that can’t be denied. I think that it is due to the fact that they like to really push my buttons and see if they can get me to veer out of the path that I have chosen to walk all the while secretly cheering for me to do what is right because that is my job in the family. Well that and the WWF matches were always a blast......for them!

Anyway, the waiter came out to take our drink order and asked what the occasion was for which we were all gathered. They told him that it was my 21st birthday celebration to which I fully agreed. What? I was 21 once! We placed our order and proceeded to throw loving insults around the table in the manner that we have done our entire lives, much to the dismay of our poor mother. When dinner arrived, a beer was placed in front of me and the waiter told me to have a great birthday. I laughed and immediately shot looks around the table at my brothers trying to decide who thought they were funny. It ended up being the brother from St. George. Needless to say not a drop of the beer was consumed by me and it remained on the table when we left. I had to smell the strawberry daiquiri that he also ordered for me and receive reassurance from his wife that it was safe to drink before I would touch it.

After saying goodbye to everyone and getting plenty of hugs and kisses from the babies, I headed home. I got ready for bed and was pleasantly surprised when a friend decided to come over to talk. I love it when people come over to see me. It was just a good night.

Sunday was a good day. Everyone was incredibly nice and extremely welcoming in the new ward. I was asked to speak in Sacrament Meeting on Easter Sunday and I received a new calling. It still leaves my record at the longest that I have gone without a calling is 2-weeks. I was asked to be the Gospel Doctrine teacher which happens to be one of my favorite callings. I was a little thrown off guard however when they told me that I would be the only teaching which means that I will be teaching the Old Testament every week. That will be a challenge for me, but I think that it will really make me grow and learn. I am really excited!!

The day only got better as I was later surrounded by dear friends and was able to enjoy dinner with some of them while planning our next adventure. The evening was topped off with something that hardly ever happens.....yes, I had a date! We went to the fireside up at the institute and it was a good time.

It was just a really good day! Life is just happy sometimes and then you remember that it is because there is a higher Being that really loves us and wants only the best for each of us.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Yesterday was the end of one path and the beginning of another.


I was positive that I wouldn't cry.  When I walked into the clerk's office and had my records transferred before heading up to class and came out without a tear in my eye, I thought that it was going to be even easier than I imagined.   As I began teaching I gained more and more confidence that I was fine.  This wasn't going to be that hard.  Sure it is where I had spent the last 9 years of my life, but change has to and always will happen.


Then I realized that it was wishful thinking as I was concluding the lesson that I was teaching, the tears not only came, but flowed down my cheeks.   After class ended I found myself surrounded by some of my dearest, sweetest friends who also had tears in their eyes.  My life has definitely been blessed with wonderful people, a lot of whom I have met in this place.   I figured that the tears were finished, of course I was wrong again.


I was perfectly fine during Sunday School.  Sacrament meeting was a different story.   A Bishopric member stood up to release me from my calling, which was fine until he got choked up and had to pause before continuing with why he was having a hard time releasing me.   The minute I saw tears spring to his eyes, it was end of story for any control that I had managed to gain over my own emotions.  It took me most of the meeting to pull myself back together.


Kleenex definitely brought in a profit yesterday!


Thank you all of my friends who fill my life and my heart!  There are more great memories than I can even begin to count.   Even though Venus says that I am dead to her now, I hope to have many more even though I won't be around as often. 


Change always brings new adventures.  I am interested to see what is out in front of me now.  I think that I am about to step into roles that will be challenging and rewarding.   Always something to which to look forward.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

I'm wishing….


Okay so Snow White is not on my top 20 list of favorite animated Disney movies.  However I do understand the feeling as she leaned over the wishing well and hoped for the fulfillment of those dreams she had for her life.   Every girl can relate to one Disney character or another.  That is one of the addictions with watching the movies….well that and there is always a happy ending.


If I had to pick just one character (see there are bits and pieces of each to which I can relate) that I thought hit closest to me it would have to be Belle from Beauty and the Beast.   Why?  Well for several reasons.  Let's start with her obsession with reading.   There is not much that can top an afternoon of curling up and getting lost in the words of a book.  I have already started my collection for a library that I hope to have in my home one day.   Learning is an addiction.


What else?  She is stubborn and independent.  She would do anything for her family.   She is always in search of an adventure.  She won't let anything stand in her way.  She is happy with the person that she is and doesn't care what others think of her.   She is not intimidated by the exterior of others.  Life is to be experienced, not just passed through.  Once past her layers of defense, there is a heart that is huge and is extremely soft and tender.


I realize that this is a completely random blog entry, but sometimes I can't help but be completely random.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Two more weeks


After much agony, tears and still no sense of peace, a decision was made.  It wasn't the decision that I thought that I would ultimately make since the option to stay was given.   The unknown as to what life has in store for me now is frightening.  I feel like I am giving up on ever having the life I have dreamt of my entire life.   Although I think that I unknowing summed it up to a friend yesterday when I said that after nine years it was time to move my feet for not only my benefit but also for those around me…..my puzzle piece just doesn't fit anymore.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Snip, snip


Five inches off my hair today!


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