Just Rannin' Around

Friday, December 16, 2011

“What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.”

With the decisions that I am currently putting into action, my eyes have really been opened to the fact that I thrive on stability.  In my life I am able to face everything that I don’t have control over because I have roots that run deep and thick.  The windstorms of life might blow some leafs off, heck it might even get a branch or four, but I stay firmly planted.

I have also discovered that I have had a warped vision of what is a root and what is a branch.  As the winds have been blowing, I have been holding tightly to branches thinking they were roots.  Mostly out of fear of the unknown, the fear of change, the fear of having to make decisions yet again on my own. 

I have known for a while now that this needed to happen but I have been fighting it . . . kicking against the pricks as usual.  It is easier to stay where I am.  I am comfortable and in a routine.  I have memories that are so precious to me that reside here.  I know what to expect.  Yet I know half of what I need to do.  Got to love knowing just the half with everything else in the dark! 

I purchased my home in January of 1999 . . . yes that was 13 years ago.  I never intended to be there as long as I have since I figured that life would bring me a family and we would grow out of my small home.  That didn’t happen.  Instead I was blessed with some of the dearest friends of my life, memories I wouldn’t trade for anything, and wards and priesthood leadership that help shape who I am. 

Today I am putting my home on the market.  It is something that I have looked at as a root but is truly just a branch.  It is a branch that is ready to come down.  However it is a branch that is still painful to cut off.  The only reason I am able to do it is because I know that it is time.  I have felt nothing but peaceful about it since I finally stopped fighting it and made the decision. 

Peace is what I feel about that decision . . . anxiety is what I feel about what I am supposed to do now.  I keep myself sane trying to convince myself that it will take at least 18-months for it to actually sell and that will give me some time to determine what I am supposed to do next.  My options are: buy a house somewhere in either Salt Lake or Davis County, move to a different State, or move out of the Country (Israel at the top of that list). 

My greatest fear with this whole thing is that my house will sell quicker than I am ready to make a final decision.  I suppose that a cardboard box under the viaduct is always an option.  I’m doing what I know I should but it scares the heck out of me because I am completely blind as to what the outcome will bring.  I can only pray that I really am doing what is right.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Holiday Help Wanted:  Currently hiring for left tackle position to cover my blind side.  Must be able and willing to work Sundays.

I made a decision almost two years ago.  That decision included that I was no longer willing to be set up.  I am aware of the fact that 99% of the population of the world does not agree with my decision, but I am also incredibly aware that I don’t care.  I don’t expect anyone to understand it nor do I think that I have any obligation to explain it.  I suppose my mistake was expecting people to at least respect it.

I fully comprehend that it is the holiday season and all that entails being single during said time.  I also know that people do and say things like this because they love me and want to “fix” my situation.  They can’t fathom having to do things by themselves and it makes them uncomfortable to watch me do it. 

Being single is not for the faint of heart.  It is a learned art of deciding what the heart can handle from day to day (and sometimes even minute to minute).  Such as, I have been invited to several holiday gatherings all of which I would love to attend but sometimes when the day is there and I know it is a day that I can’t handle being in a situation with all married people, I have to decide not to go in order to stay okay.  So please don’t be offended if I don’t show up, I just didn’t have the strength in me.  Know that I completely love and appreciate being invited and I fully intended on coming if I said I would be there.  I am not a flake, just needing to keep my emotional well-being. 

With all of that said, let me share the latest and greatest and why I need some covering. 

I love my ward.  I love being in a home ward.  I love that I feel like I am there for spiritual feeding and not at the local meat market.  I don’t worry about anything other than always being prepared to always teach any of the classes with only a two minute warning.  I was not prepared for the unseen unsportsmanlike conduct after Relief Society on Sunday.

I was summoned by one of the couples out into the hall after the meeting.  Standing there against the wall (as I found out during the introduction) was their nephew.  Now I had zero game strategy at this point and just tried to be as cordial as possible since I had just been smashed head first into the ground.  I didn’t receive any help with conversation.  They did the brief introduction and then stood back with their chests puffed up admiring their fabulous set up skills and the guy . . . who had warning about why he was coming to their ward and couldn’t stop smiling once I walked out into the hall . . . stood there and barely gave me one word responses to any questions.  Thank goodness for only 10-minute breaks in between classes and I was saved by an opening prayer.  Trying again to be polite, I invited him to join us in Gospel Doctrine. 

As far as I could tell, there wasn’t anything wrong or revolting about him.  He was actually a fairly good looking man . . . not much to say and a bit awkward . . . but nothing horrible or that time wouldn’t fix.  However, I am not in that place.  I don’t have my heart to give.  It wouldn’t be fair to pretend that I did.  So setting it up so that I don’t have an option whether or not I meet someone is definitely a late, blind side hit.  I don’t think giving them a 15-yard penalty for a personal foul would do any good though.  No, I will just smile and pretend all is well knowing that their intentions were good.

Monday, December 05, 2011

“Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishments.”

I can hardly believe that it is December!  However since I have finished up all my Christmas shopping and just have the one last task of getting a few items sent off at the local post office, it must be.  It feels like a warp-zone between January to December.

Well as I have been making plans for my annual get-the-heck-out-of-Salt-Lake New Year’s Eve trip, I realized that I have some posted goals that I need to make myself accountable for this year.  So I pulled up January on my blog to keep myself honest and here are the results. . .

Temple: My goal was to continue attending at least once a week, but that I needed to attend an endowment session at least once a month.  Results:  Since there isn’t a temple in Jordan, Israel or Egypt . . . I did miss a couple of weeks of attending the temple.  Although if I count visiting the Temple Mount in Israel, then I only truly missed one (okay that doesn’t count so I really did miss a couple of weeks).  I was able to do at least one endowment session each month.  One of the sessions I even was able to do in the Manhattan Temple. 

Preparation: My goal was to put my affairs in order by having a Will prepared.  Results: This was all signed, sealed and delivered before my birthday.  I officially have a Will, a Trust, a Power of Attorney and all Medical decisions made and documented.  This really made me feel like a grown-up!

Travel: Visit six new places, with at least one on my “must see” list.  Results: I do believe that I FAR exceeded this.  I hadn’t ever been to the Manhattan Temple before and then I went and saw more new and exciting things within my two weeks of vacation than I could even begin to count . . . this also included 3 “must sees” of Petra, the whole of Israel and the pyramids.  Before the end of the year I will also be in Phoenix (as this is where I am going to New Year’s) and believe it or not, I have never been to Phoenix before.

Physical Fitness:  My goal was to drop 20 pounds.  Results: If this was all looking so shiny and almost perfect . . . well here is my big, fat failure.  How much have I lost?  Not one pound.  Pathetic!!  There is one shining happiness in the midst of it though is that  I am in better shape than I ever have been in my life.  I have been swimming twice a week, biking twice a week and running twice a week in preparation for a triathlon that I will be doing next year.  It has been a bitter fight against my asthma every step of the way but well worth it. 

Reading:  My goal was to read 30 new books along with re-reading Jane Eyre, the Book of Mormon and the New Testament.  Results: To date I have read 33 new books (more will be finished before the end of the year).  I had re-read Jane Eyre before the beginning of February, the Book of Mormon soon thereafter and I finished re-reading the New Testament a week before leaving on my trip. 

I think that I did okay.  There are new goals being formed and old goals being re-worked.  I can’t ever say that I am completely finished.  I still have so many things accomplish, to learn and to overcome in order to be a better daughter, a better sister, a better aunt, a better friend, a better person.  All I can do is continue to try.


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