Hugs. I can't go a day without at least giving/receiving one....however, the more the better.

What is there about a hug, about being held close to one whose affection we crave, that means so much to us? Why is it that to be enfolded in the arms of a concerned other proffers so much comfort and sustaining warmth?

I'm sorry! I am trying. I know, I'm failing miserably.

I'm a nerd and my roommate now has pictures to prove it!

It has been eight years now that I have been unable to go home for Thanksgiving. I have always been blessed with sweet friends who invite me to their family's celebration, which I have accepted and attended one of the offers each year. This year however, my baby sister was also unable to go home and called to see if she could come to my house.

Yesterday morning I woke up, threw my bathrobe on, pulled my hair out of my face and headed downstairs to begin the cooking. Ah, the morning look! I had been downstairs for a while because I had the stuffing up to my elbows from sticking it in the bird and the turkey was seasoned and in the bag ready for the oven. The rolls were rising in their pan on the stove and the potatoes, brussel sprouts, corn and yams (with marshmellows, of course) were cut and in their pans ready for heat in a couple of hours.

At this point I was singing and dancing in the kitchen while I was finishing the prep work. I was mixing the inside for the pie when the flash went off. She was on the floor laughing. I am sure I looked stunning, or actually the better word would be ridiculous! Oh well, what fun would life be unless someone has a few pictures of you doing things that you hope nobody ever has to witness.

She went off to her family's home to spend the rest of the day and I went upstairs and actually made myself presentable. Then I added to my nerdness (if possible). It is all about relaxing somedays and this was just going to be a down day for me. I put in a movie and sat down on the couch and started making scarves for each of my nieces for Christmas.

My sister came over and so I finished dinner and we ate. I can hold my own in the kitchen and dinner turned out really well. After eating we settled back down and ended up watching two more movies before having desert. Needless to say, I finished all five scarves in between phone calls and eating. Overall, it was a fabulous day even though I am a nerd!!

I hope everyone had a marvelous Thanksgiving!!

Too many phones in the house.

Sunday night there were people over visiting. I happen to be on my cell phone and my home phone rang. One of the guys over, jumped up and asked me if he should answer it which, of course I shook my head in the positive. Answer the phone he did.

"House of hotties", was his greeting. The person on the other end then asked for me, so I ended my call on my cell and answered the home phone. Now there are not many people that call me at home except those annoying sales people, but since it was Sunday it couldn't be one of them.

"Hello", I said.

"JRA, how are you? I haven't talked to you for a while and I am just calling to check on my favorite girl." came a voice that I instantly recognized.

We talked only for a brief moment because he knew that I had company at the house and so we decided a time for me to come up for a visit. We said goodbye and hung up.

Everyone was interested in who was on the phone with the initial greeting that was offered by my visitor and then hearing my half of the conversation. At this point I was laughing so hard that I had tears rolling from my eyes.

"Well", I said, "that was the head of one of the biggest health care institutions in the state and my previous Stake President."

They all joined me in a great laugh. I'm sure he will have something to say about it when I go up to visit him next week. Good thing he has a great sense of humor!

Weaknesses.

I have too many to count. My eyes were opened a few days ago and I came to realize that there are additional areas on which I have to work. I knew that there was something wrong, but nobody could (or maybe would) ever help me see it. It was immensely enlightening and releaving to finally have somewhere to start to improve who I am and how I deal with life in that specific area.

I am an incredibly social individual. I always have been. I don't have a shy bone in my body. I will talk to anyone, anytime, about almost anything. That is, if I feel like my heart is safe from being trashed. This is fairly easy to do until a relationship progresses above the friendship level. I have an instant panic button that turns on whenever I feel like I am wondering out of my safe zone. How do I handle it? Easy, I stop talking. I become quiet or I switch subjects and avoid talking about me. The more they know about me, the more ability they have to hurt me because I feel an attachment to them.

What do I have to hide? Nothing. I don't have any grand secrets. My issue is that I don't think that anyone will be interested in just me. By letting them in, they might just see through my independant, strong will, hard outer shell. They will see my weaknesses, all of them. They will see that I am not as "perfect" as everyone seems to think I am.

I have determined that I have to let my logical mind overrule my emotional heart. When I begin to panic, which I always do even though I am really good at hiding it while it is happening, I will have to remind myself that the brain is in charge, not the heart. It is something that is going to take a lot of work, but it will be worth it to try and fix the issue.

Improvement always hurts, but the sight of progression and increased feeling of self-worth is priceless.

Books.

I was having a discussion with a friend last night about what we were each currently reading. As normal for me, I am in the middle of 4 books and listening to a book on CD in my car. He was curious as to the selection of books that I had choosen because they were all such different styles. As I drove home late that night (or honestly early this morning), I was interested to take a better look at the books that lined the shelves.

Authors:

C.S. Lewis, Bruce R. McConkie, L.M. Montgomery, Louisa May Alcott, Nathaniel Hawthorne, Jane Austen, Charles Dickens, Dan Brown, Irving Stone, Boyd K. Paker, Patricia T. Holland, Cheri L. Dew, John Grisham, Herb Cohen, Kate White, Bruce C. Hafen, Neal A. Maxwell, James E. Talmage, John Gray.......and this was only on a few shelves of one of my book cases.

Genre:

Biography, Childrens (I have a whole stuffed shelf dedicated just to these), Self Help, Spiritual, Text, Travel, Mystery, Fiction, Business, Money, Classic, Reference, Historical, Cooking......

Even at 2:00 am I could immediately determine which authors and genre I prefered to read. It was also evident that I needed to set aside a huge chunk of time. I have a small rule that states that a book does not belong on the shelf until it has been read. There are 12 books right now on my floor (4 of them I am in the middle already) that do not fit this rule. Looks like a read-a-thon for me, anyone care to join?

There is a range of involvement in which friends exist in my life. I realize that this is probably an accurate statement for the majority of the world. So what brings this up? Recently I have been spending time with friends where our lives have moved in different directions and so we don't talk or see each other unless we make a valiant effort to make the time. It occurred to me that, although it typically goes unnoticed while the time passes, I have missed these individuals being a consistant part of my life.

There is a friend from high school who is a tax attorney here in town. She is an amazing individual and we were always together back in the day. Now it is down to an occational email and a Christmas card. Life changed.

There is a friend from college who is a mom in Dallas, Texas. She is one of my dearest friends and always will be. I actually lived with her and her husband for about a year once upon a time. Since she moved away, we talk about three times a year and see each other about once a year. However one would never be able to tell that we hadn't been talking for several hours each day because we just get each other.

I went and spent two evenings last week with friends that I haven't seen for a long while. One night I went with a friend to dinner at the Mandarin (which is a fabulous restaurant) who recently got married. There is a tendency to lose contact once they are married. The next night I spent with a friend who has been working way too much and our schedules don't line up very often. It was great to see both of them and we ended up talking for hours on both nights.

Then there are my wonderful friends who I get to see all the time. They are the ones that know what is going on in my life right now and I, theirs. I am aware of the fact that as time moves, things change. I have learned to really appreciate them while they are there for I never know when life changes and they are moved to a different aspect of my life.

I have many guy friends (actually more than women friends because I get along with them better), some married and some not, who either call or send baby announcements or send cards or swing by to see me. With these friends, there is never a lack of compliments. I actually have a group of guy friends that we all get together about every other year for a BBQ so that we can see each other. Each of these guys fit into different categories on friendship levels, but they fit into the same categories as my women friends.

It amazes me that each person fills a spot in my life and my heart. Each person taught/teaches me things that I need to learn. No matter where they fit into my life right now, I love them still. Afterall, they have help make me the person that I am.

Cartoons have received a major facelift and I hate to tell them, but.....it was botched!

Bright and early on Saturday morning (that being 6:00 am), there was a knock on my front door. Well of course I had been out until late and didn't even hear it. My roommate, who just happens to be a nurse and was up getting ready for work, heard the knock and answered the door. Next thing I know, I am being pushed out of my warm, comfortable bed.

Downstairs I go wrapped in my favorite blanket and roll onto the couch. I was told that we got to watch Saturday morning cartoons. Well I didn't make it through even 10 minutes of the first one before my eyelids were closed and I was out for the count. I woke up to my head being rubbed. Had the cartoons been anything worth watching, maybe I wouldn't have kept falling asleep and he wouldn't have kept laughing at me because staying awake seemed to be a huge problem.

What happened to Smurfs, Gummy Bears, Heman, Transformers, Care Bears, My Little Pony, Rainbow Bright, and on, and on and on..... There are now shows that have slutty superheros that forgot to finish getting dressed before running out to save the universe. Not to forget that the strobe lights didn't get left at their night job, but came along to help (with what I'm not sure).

Let's just say that I was extremely overjoyed when 10:30 hit and College Football began.

"It's not much of a tail, but I'm sort of attached to it."
-Eeyore

It is a phenomenon that I have been unable to explain. The phenomenon of which I speak is that of attachment.

Sometimes it seems to be nothing more than mere randomness. It is found, it is liked, it is kept. Whereas other times, it is so deep felt upon introduction that there seems to be a magnetic pull that will not let one deny or release the object. One walks away from the object, but feels an innate sense of loss and a consuming desire to return. There seems to be something about the object which stimulates the senses and causes excited endorphins to bounce around the brain.

What is the difference? Why is it that we can become so attached to one thing and not another?

The old people of this world are fabulous!!

After picking up my car last night after work from the dealership (I think they accomplished everything they were supposed to), I headed downtown for my usual Thursday evening activity. I parked and walked into the building where I was going to spend the next hour doing some work. I was greeted by the kindest old man who checked some documentation, told me to enjoy my time and sent me on my way.

As I was ushered into the first small curtained room I was welcomed a beautiful elderly lady with sparkling green eyes. She was so sweet. I told her that I loved her eyes and she laughed and said that she was about to tell me the same thing. I moved from room to room until I was back at the beginning. I was meet by a different little old lady this time as they had changed while I was going through the other rooms. She reminded me so much of my grandma that I couldn't stop myself from smiling as memories flooded my heart. All of my grandparent have passed away and a little reminder of them every now and then makes my heart sing and fills my cup to overflowing. As I finished the last of the five go-arounds, this sweet lady who had no idea how much she had touched my life, gave me the biggest hug and told me that I was just the cutest thing she had seen in a long time and I would be blessed for the work I had just done. I had to bit my bottom lip so that I didn't start crying.

There is nothing better than grandparents. If you still have some that are living.....take the time to visit them and let them know how much you love them. You never know how long they will be here. Treasure every moment, listen to every story and learn every lesson. I promise that you will miss them when they are gone from this life.

There are things that I just feel completely inadequate about doing.

I know nothing about cars other than the fact that they are supposed to start when I put the key in and turn it. Pretty pathetic I realize. Although I do know how to change a tire, I have never actually had to do for myself. There has always been some nice gentleman that has taken the time to pull over and has been kind enough to change it for me. So I am a total girly-girl when it comes to this kind of thing. I like to be taken care of when it comes to things like this. One of my ex's used to switch me cars for the day so that he could take my car in for me when it needed to go in, ah those were the days!

I had to take my car in today. Well to be honest, it should have gone in a few months ago, but because it is one of my least favorite things to do, I always put it off as long as possible (bascially until the "service engine soon" light comes on). These people could really pull a number on me if they so desired and I know it. I try to act like I have a clue about what they are telling me needs to be done and what is wrong, but honestly, they might as well be speaking Chinese.

They have my car all day today. I dropped it off at 7:00 this morning and had to be shuttled in by the dealership to work. The older gentleman that usually runs the shuttle evidentally had the day off because today it was a very young guy that looked so nervous that it made me nervous. Thankfully, I made it here in one piece although with the sweat that was running down the poor kids face, you would have thought we had just had a near death experience. I hope that he had a better ride back.

I hate not having my car. It is an insecurity about not being independant. Oh to be at the mercy of others and their schedules. How did we ever survive before we turn 16?

Whew! I am grateful that I can put off moving to Australia for at least another 4 years. It was a very valid option had the presidential election turned out differently. So I probably wouldn't have actually moved to Australia, but don't believe that it wasn't something that I thought. I am extremely happy about the outcome and even more excited about voter turnout. Way to go all who made it to let your voice be heard yesterday. It is an empowering feeling to know that we have the opportunity to make a difference. I get to vote at an Elementary School and all the little things just make me smile. With all said and done, I am also extremely happy that this election is over and we don't have to hear about it for another 4 years. Don't get me wrong, I love politics, but there comes a point of overload. Put a fork in it, it's done!

Anyway......

I was out and about late last night, you know, just rannin' around and realized just how cold it is getting. I mean, I stood out at a footgame for four hours a few weeks ago and it was blasted cold with the rain coming down non-stop, but this is winter cold. The smell of winter has even returned. It is that crisp, clean smell and it makes your nose turn red. The snow is slowly coming closer to the valley floor. I have such mixed feelings about winter. I love snowball fights and sledding and hot chocolate and big fluffy snowflakes and making snow angels and snowmen. However, I hate my toes and fingers cold and driving on the slippery, dangerous roads with dangerous, stupid drivers and less daylight. I just need to remember......with anything good also comes some bad, what I focus on is what I will find.

I think that there is a reason that I typically don't remember my dreams!

I made the four hour drive south to my parents home this last weekend. It was just time to get away from reality and to go somewhere that there is unconditional love. Of course it is helpful that my parents are empty nesters and love it when I come to visit.

Friday night after arriving, I sat and talked to them for a couple of hours and then the day caught up with me and it was time to sleep. I excused myself to one of the guest bedrooms and after finishing my nightly routine, fell fast asleep. I am a very heavy sleeper. Bascially a firetruck could run through my room with lights flashing and sirens on and I wouldn't flinch. I acutally slept through a 6.4 earthquake once. This is probably one reason that I don't remember dreams.

The dream begins.......

The next thing that I remember is that it is mid-morning and so I climb out of my bed and go sit in the living room in my pj's and start talking to my parents. I had been talking to them for a while when they ask me if I am going to go wake up my friend. It becomes very clear to me that someone else in the other guest bedroom. I just smile and get up. I walk to the door and lightly tap on it while turning the doorknob to let myself in. I find him still under the covers, but am greeted with a sleepy smile. I walk over, roll onto the bed and into waiting arms and an ever gentle, warm kiss. I feel safe and loved.

This would be the part where I wake up. I actually have to talk myself into reality and that if I rush into the other bedroom that he won't be there. Dreams shouldn't be that vivid. They shouldn't feel that real. They shouldn't give hope that isn't there.

I did then really walk out to the living room in my pj's to floating smells of a breakfast that I had missed because I far overslept, but was welcomed by my parents. I did sit and talk to them until my sisters called and wanted to go to a very late lunch. Laughed with my sisters, played with my nieces and watched the U game with my dad. It was a grand Saturday that I don't take the time to do often enough.

The dream......well that is just a matter of introducing my subconscious to reality.