Things that make you go hmm
I am looking forward to being home this weekend. I know that is not something that any single person would normally be admitting, but I am. I like to be at home. My home is comfortable and somewhere that I completely enjoy spending time. After gallivanting all over the place for the last four weekends, it will be a reprieve to sleep in my own bed. I actually woke up the other day considering calling into work sick as I relished the delightful sound of rain pounding the outside world. Had there been a delicious man at my side to curl up next to and tenderly persuade to stay with me, no force would have been powerful enough get me to leave my bed.
Maybe it is the new age I just turned on Saturday, maybe not, but my brain has been in overdrive lately.
I am an observer. It doesn’t matter the setting, I will always take the back seat to the person/people that are around me. My eyes, ears, mind, spirit and most importantly, my heart are always open. The downfall seems to be that I also have never learned to be comfortable in opening my mouth. Now, that is not completely true. The discomfort only seems to appear when it comes to discussing me. As I have ventured to dig around in the storage boxes, a brighter understanding has come. I get it. I know why. Now how do I fix it?
The deepest desires of my heart are the things that seem to evade me with ease. Every time I seem to get close I fail. I am not that girl. I have known that since I was a teenager, but it has never stopped me from trying or loving. Now don’t get me wrong, I know that I am loved and this is not a pity party. It just happens to be one the thing that seems to weigh heaviest on my heart. Honestly I don’t think it will shock anyone to read these words, the only shock will be that I actually wrote them.
In a quest to try to be a better person and to maybe, just maybe, actually succeed I get brave occasionally and ask for insight. I also look at the past and take what I can from experience. I have been given every reason in the book. I must admit that my favorite was when I was told that I wasn’t fun enough, that I was boring. Talk about a blow to my adventurous spirit (and sad as it is I still sometimes worry that it is true). Really what it comes down to is that the only common denominator is me and there is something about me that doesn’t make men want to move mountains for me. The other girl always wins. I am used to that ending.
I don’t have the luxury of sitting around with my hand to my forehead waiting for someone to come and sweep me out of all the messes that come with life. I want and need for someone to provide for me. I want and need someone to protect me. I have done them for myself out of necessity, not out of desire. Ah, one of the many reasons out of the book . . . I have provided for myself too well and made it look like it has to be topped in order for me to be happy. Not so. That is all I have to say about that. Anyone that truly knows me, knows that I would be happier living under the 4th Street viaduct (or in the trailer park) in a card board box with a husband that loves and adores me than I would be living in a mansion bathing in money alone. The blessings that I have been given to me are there in order for me to help others. Plus, it should be a point of attraction that I have worked so hard and accomplished so much. That is my two-cents anyway.
Well I could go on and on and on, but I won’t. Let’s just say that the dress is listed for sale. It finally needs to make an exit.