Just Rannin' Around

Saturday, June 30, 2007

“Milton was right”, said my Teacher, “The choice of every lost soul can be expressed in the words ‘Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven.’ There is always something they insist on keeping even at the price of misery. There is always something they prefer to joy – that is, to reality.”
CS Lewis The Great Divorce

I have been spending more and more time recently with my nose buried in books. For some reason I am enraptured with learning and soaking up everything that is around me. I am feeling a deep need to understand and truly see who I am supposed to be.

While reading the above mentioned book, I became acutely aware that I needed to do some serious reflecting upon my “pet sins” to which I cling. More and more I am realizing that I have a nice little collection of worldly attributes for which I proudly fly banners. Ever heard that our greatest strengths can become our greatest weaknesses? I think that in the name of self esteem, I find myself leaning more and more upon these mere things rather than focusing on what is truly important.

I will say this.....

I would rather be cleaning the toilets in Heaven than reigning in Hell. With that said, I have a lot of humble pie to eat and even more of forgetting myself and getting work to do.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Discovering and exploring.

I have always been a person that would rather not be the center of attention. However, probably due to the fact that I don’t have a shy bone in my body and relatively few inhibitions, many times in my life I inadvertently find myself in that exact position. In the past I have even consciously tried to stay in the background, but then people always assume that there is something wrong with me and become concerned regardless of my reassurance that I am just fine.

Recent changes in my life have me looking at this part of my personality in an entirely different light.

The New Testament has been my focus of study this year. As I was reading a parable in Matthew, which I have read and re-read countless times in my life, I was confronted with an idea that I never would have realized on my own. Talents are so incredibly individual that sometimes recognition of them in our self can be difficult and sometimes impossible without help. The parable teaches that we are to improve and build upon our talents or they will be taken from us. It is now just dawning on me that the first thing that we must accomplish is discovering and acknowledging what talents we have already been blessed with and then improve upon them.

Never in a million years would I have counted my outgoing, bold attitude as a talent and actually most of the time I look at it as a negative feature because it overwhelms and intimidates a lot of people.....at least at first. Comments made by several friends recently brought this into a better perspective for me (and they will probably never even realize they made such a huge difference in the way I view this part of myself). The talent which I have discovered, that I never would have counted as a talent, is that of openness. By that I mean not being reserved about meeting new people and extending a hand of fellowship. I can and will without reserve or even thinking about it, talk to anyone. Even from a young age, much to the chagrin of my mother, I would seek out anyone and everyone to whom I could talk.

Why have I never thought of this as a talent before?

The better question is…..

What is a talent that you have that you have never before considered a talent?

Friday, June 22, 2007

Have you ever wanted to live in a musical?

I have caught myself singing and dancing today. I guess there are worse things in life than having your co-workers think that you are missing a marble or two, at least they are getting a good laugh and some of them have even joined in with me.

Nothing spectacular has happened in life, I am just finding particular joy in living today. I love to dance, the problems are that I haven’t been in over a year because there is really nowhere grand to go and I have a tendency to be a little on the not so good girl side in my dance moves. Leave it up to me to be yelled at while attending a church sponsored dance---wouldn’t be the first time.

I also love to sing, but unlike dancing, I am completely reserved in sharing with anyone. I will sing at the top of my lungs at my house or in the car, but I am not one to bust out while there is anyone within earshot. If you have heard me sing (besides sitting next to me at church), consider yourself one of the very few that I have felt incredibly comfortable with, but I can almost guarantee that I was still fairly quiet and reserved and not pumping it out of my pipes. Today I haven’t cared who is listening or if I have a horrible singing voice, it is being sung with some dance moves added.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Constant pressure on the arm eventually puts it to sleep.

I’ve had a reoccurring dream that started about six years ago. I don’t have it very frequently (maybe once or twice a year), but it always has the same affect and I end up thinking about it for the next week or so which I guess also makes it somewhat of a day dream. I don’t remember having the dream last night, but I caught myself thinking about it in the car this morning while driving to work. The part that startled me was that the emotions that are typically associated with this dream weren’t there.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

I’m getting restless.

Currently I don’t have a vacation planned. I have several options available where I would be excitedly greeted and have a great time, but I want to go somewhere I haven’t been before. I want to be caught up in a different culture. I want to be enveloped in a grand adventure.

I think for now I am going to kick off my shoes, go for a walk in the park and dream.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Life is short, love your way through it!

The funeral on Wednesday went well. As we entered in the church for the family viewing right before the chapel service, I stood back for a moment and took a quick inventory. What I saw brought a smile to my face.

In that small room were so many people that I have loved my entire life. There was a lot of hugging and laughing and story sharing swirling around. All ten of my dad’s brothers and sisters were there with spouses doubling that number. I noticed quickly that there were a lot of cousins not in attendance, but of course with such short notice and being the middle of a week such is expected. However with only the few of us that showed we still numbered close to 30 with their spouses and children. I am one of 63 grandchildren (yes that does mean an average of almost 6 children per family) and I lost count many years ago to the number of great-grandchildren. Any gathering takes one gigantic building.

After family prayer, we all entered the chapel and listened as my cousins shared favorite memories of their mom. It is always interesting to find out the little things that in any other setting are otherwise not shared about a person. We shared in lots of laughter and then happy tears as we were reminded that Grandma and Grandpa were there to meet her. We then went where the grave was dedicated and hurried back to the church (since it was freezing outside). There it was a huge party. The sound grew as everyone was getting caught up with each others lives and meeting the newest members of the family as we continue to grow and promises of getting together more frequently flowed through the room.

When it was time to go (they had to shut the lights off on us to get us out), there was more hugs, tears and promises. Dropping my parents off in Logan before heading back down to the valley, I hugged them tighter and longer than usual. I guess sometimes I forget how fleeting life is and we need to enjoy those we have around us while we have them here.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Some days are just better than others.

I have been sad today. That is not typical of me. I love to smile and laugh. I don’t usually have a hard time doing either of those things. Today I haven’t felt the happiness which normally radiates from inside.

I came home and ran and ran and ran on the treadmill hoping to sweat out the sadness. Sweat I did, but that is all that was accomplished.

Some of it might be that I have a funeral that I have to attend on Wednesday, but funerals don’t typically get me down (okay so I am weird, but knowing that families are eternal and that life goes on after death is such a comfort to me that I don’t have a hard time with them).

I don’t want to believe the real reason that I think that I am sad. Now that I am looking at it I don’t know if it is sad or just painful. Lack of understanding has a tendency to swing my mood. I try so hard to take it all as a compliment, but I don’t always succeed.

All I have to say is, when one gets married, one should not contact the ex and tell them that they are extremely grateful for them being their best friend and always being there for them even when they have done stupid things. That they couldn't imagine me not in their life.

I think that it frustrates me because I know (because they have told me for years) that they love and adore me.....not that I mind because my life would be horrible if I didn't know that I was important in someone's life. They have told me and others that had they dated me 3, 6, 9 months later they would have married me because they would have been closer to being worthy of having me. They always tell me that they would seriously hurt anyone that ever hurt me. However whether they are just trying to make me feel better or they are being sincere, the one question that none of them have ever been able to answer is: why am I always the best friend and never the one getting married when they are so attached to having me around for the rest of their life?

The problem is---once they are married, I have to gracefully step out of their life. There is no other way around it.


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