Some days are just better than others.
I have been sad today. That is not typical of me. I love to smile and laugh. I don’t usually have a hard time doing either of those things. Today I haven’t felt the happiness which normally radiates from inside.
I came home and ran and ran and ran on the treadmill hoping to sweat out the sadness. Sweat I did, but that is all that was accomplished.
Some of it might be that I have a funeral that I have to attend on Wednesday, but funerals don’t typically get me down (okay so I am weird, but knowing that families are eternal and that life goes on after death is such a comfort to me that I don’t have a hard time with them).
I don’t want to believe the real reason that I think that I am sad. Now that I am looking at it I don’t know if it is sad or just painful. Lack of understanding has a tendency to swing my mood. I try so hard to take it all as a compliment, but I don’t always succeed.
All I have to say is, when one gets married, one should not contact the ex and tell them that they are extremely grateful for them being their best friend and always being there for them even when they have done stupid things. That they couldn't imagine me not in their life.
I think that it frustrates me because I know (because they have told me for years) that they love and adore me.....not that I mind because my life would be horrible if I didn't know that I was important in someone's life. They have told me and others that had they dated me 3, 6, 9 months later they would have married me because they would have been closer to being worthy of having me. They always tell me that they would seriously hurt anyone that ever hurt me. However whether they are just trying to make me feel better or they are being sincere, the one question that none of them have ever been able to answer is: why am I always the best friend and never the one getting married when they are so attached to having me around for the rest of their life?
The problem is---once they are married, I have to gracefully step out of their life. There is no other way around it.