Just Rannin' Around

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Always the rule, never the exception

When I watch movies, I typically only watch them as a form of entertainment and don’t find myself shocked by the precision of my reality being shown up on the screen. The movie . . . He’s Just Not That Into You. It would take me pages and pages to explain every little way that this movie emotionally nailed me to the wall and then proceeded to spoon feed me the harsh truths that I have always known but have chosen to carefully hide in order to make myself feel better in the moment. I actually saw this movie on opening night, but I have been forcing myself to really open my eyes and acknowledge these truths concerning my life.

The overall message that I have come to the conclusion of is that I am the rule. As I have looked over past relationships, I have to take much of the blame myself for allowing my heart to get so involved because these guys have basically screamed at me that I was the rule. Everything they did, or more appropriately put, everything that they didn’t do should have told me that they really were just bidding time with me. So here are the two biggest issues about myself that I have discovered. . . .

-I ask out for the first date
-I initiate most of the contact

In other words, I am the one pursuing. Why? I am impatient and I worry after waiting for a while that if I don’t they won’t. Shall we re-name me along side John Madden? Hello Captain Obvious, if they aren’t calling you or asking you out or even getting your number well that means that they aren’t interested! There is a reason that they are asking out all those other girls and not you.

For anyone that has ever done personality tests (although I don’t consider them religion, they do have some validity), I am a type-A, red. When I see something that I want and find it is worth my time and attention, I go after it. With most things in life, I am successful because I am not willing to quit and I know that there is a way. Looking at that statement in black and white, I can see why people would view me as a bit intimidating. However, I have known this about myself for years and so I tend to try to take the edge off when it involves other people, especially men. Maybe I am not successful and with the two issues listed above, it is fairly evident that I am not doing as well as I thought.

Over this past year I had already forced myself to understand that I was the one doing the pursuing and have really put in some effort to at least not do that. The results are that I haven’t been on a date for almost a year, but something great has also come out of it. I have truly determined that unless a man pursues me, he really isn’t worth the time, attention and love that I can offer him. I want someone who is willing to put in as much energy and care into me as I am willing to put into him. In other words, if he wants me he is going to have to do the work to get me. Maybe I am asking too much, but I have learned that unless a man is willing to do this (and I have seen time and time and time again that every single one of them are when they are interested) that I don’t need to torture myself with all the analysis of all the whys.

I have also been becoming more and more comfortable with what I think are some of my most attractive strengths, but seem not to be what are attractive to the male gender. The one that really doesn’t make ANY sense to me and probably never will is that I don’t have to be rescued. I am not the damsel in distress. If there is a problem in front of me; if someone else needs help; if something needs to get done; if I have messed up; if a decision needs to be made; if I need to get out of something; I take responsibility and find the necessary tools (people, information, a hammer, ect.) to fix whatever is broken. I don’t just throw my hand up on my forehead and cry until someone does it for me. I am there as an equal not someone that will always have to be towed (which seems like it would be so exhausting and frustrating in the long run).

The short of it is that I am a fantastic catch that you aren’t going to find in many other women, but from now on . . . catch me if you can because I am not going to swim up to the line and tug on it any more. I am more than worth the work!

Saturday, February 14, 2009

I woke up this morning way too early. I peeked out the blinds and realized that the world had been carpeted with a fresh, white layer of snow and immediately buried myself back into my warm, comfortable bed. This is the part where my brain starts arguing with my body.

I know that I should get up and go running. I also have cleaning to get accomplished and a list of errands that aren’t going to take care of themselves no matter how much I wish they would. After my brain goes through all the details three or four times attempting to encourage my body (but failing miserably) to pull itself up and out of the luxury it has found, the brain turns to the emotions for a bit of help and together they get vicious.

It was definitely a bloody battle this morning. The brain/emotions team were pulling out all the stops and the body was stubbornly insisting on staying exactly were it was most comfortable. The body would win occasionally and a light sleep would momentarily shut off all the defensive and offensive moves of the other team. However the short reprieves typically only invigorate the brain and emotions which only caused stronger blows.

After about two hours, I was just about to give in and finally get going for the day (or in other words, get busy to the point that I don’t have time to contemplate the things that hurt), when I had an epiphany.

I am teaching every Sunday this month because it is Ward Conferences for our Stake. Due to this, I have been focused on the different topics that I have been assigned to teach for the last couple of weeks. While I was in bed this morning, I attempted to derail my brain and emotions and still allow my body to stay in bed by focusing my attention on mentally preparing for those lessons. This calmed everything down and I snuggled in for a lot more time in a well deserved place.

In no way was I prepared for the where my thought process would take me. The lesson that I am teaching tomorrow is on apostasy and the lesson the week after is on the power of temple worship. I should have been focusing on one at a time, but my mind began to intertwine the relationship of the two seemingly very different topics. I was in awe as my mind was enlightened and an understanding started to take place within me that I never expected. I am only going to share one aspect that was given to me.

Currently I have been struggling. There is a huge lack of understanding concerning certain issues in my life and it has lead to a lot of frustration and apathy. On the flip side, there are multiple people in my life who I am extremely concerned about the path that they are choosing to walk knowing some of the consequences and heartaches that await them. Honestly I have discovered lately that I maybe can see the reasoning why the 1/3rd choose to follow Satan’s plan (not that I agree, but that I can see what they might have been thinking). It was fear of losing those that we love the most (this is something that horrifies me). It was a fear of thinking that we weren’t capable of getting back. It was a lack of understanding the Atonement.

I think that this sometimes still plagues our thinking. Satan really doesn’t want us to understand our full potential and he will place everything in our path to detract us from accomplishing our divinely given missions. I don’t think that I truly comprehend the fact that everything is a choice. A choice of what we allow in our lives. A choice of how we choose to view ourselves and others. A choice of the attitude we carry. A choice of living the way that will please our Heavenly Father or a way that will please Satan is also ours to make. The more that I exam it, the more I realize that there truly aren’t gray areas. There are only two masters and I can only choose to serve one or the other.

Now it comes down to the fact that I sometimes don’t feel like I am getting what I “deserve” and what I have been working so hard to gain. I am working so incredibly hard and I am watching others around me receiving the things that I want in my life and I sometimes feel like they haven’t had to do half of what I have had to do or go through and I still can’t even see a glimpse of obtain the desired goal. At these times, I want nothing more than to throw my hands up in defeat and say, “Well I gave it my best and if it still isn’t happening, well I can go this other way and get something that I think is almost as good.”

The reason I still haven’t done that . . . I know it isn’t true. There is nothing that is even comparable to those blessings that we receive from our Heavenly Father and we never know when they are coming. What if I gave up just two minutes before He was ready to add that blessing to my life? What if I only had a few more learning experiences to fight through? No matter how hard it gets or how unfair I sometimes think it is, I know that it is always worth the pain, sweat and tears to do it Heavenly Father’s way because there is no sweeter joy and it is the only lasting joy that exists.

As these thoughts (and so many others) were zipping around, I discovered a golden nugget that I have had before, but this time the brilliance radiated in a whole different light. I came to understand for the first time one of the gifts that I have been given. There are so many Gifts of the Spirit that the scriptures exam and we are told that there are so many more of which are not written. Every single person has at least one gift. There are a few of mine that are mentioned in my blessing, but this was one that I hadn’t ever really considered a gift. I couldn’t have been more off base. This gift has been and probably will be one of the greatest blessings in my life if I will allow it to be just that.

I can’t imagine living life without the sweet confirmation and assurance of the Holy Ghost. The Gospel is true. With it brings families the ability to be together forever, which includes a way to return again and live with our Father in Heaven. Now it is a matter of choosing to do it His way.

Monday, February 02, 2009

I am renaming John Madden

From now on his permanent name is Captain Obvious. Now just to prove my point, here are two (and there could have been millions) comments that came from his mouth. . .

“When your arm gets hit, the ball is not going to go where you want it to.”

Better yet. . . .

“Hey, the offensive linemen are the biggest guys on the field, they’re bigger than everybody else, and that’s what makes them the biggest guys on the field.”

Of course you have to realize that he is making these statements while drawing all over the screen. I honestly don’t know how Al Michaels keeps his composure.


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