Judgment day - May 21st . . . at least that is what the billboard on my ride tried to convince me

38 miles in 2 hours and 40 minutes

It was a beautiful ride.  I went by myself this morning (don't tell my dad).  Typically Emily keeps me going at a good pace.  Without her this morning I found a group of guys that my goal was to just not let them lap me.  With where I kept seeing them, I only allowed them to get about 5 miles ahead of me.  I was feeling pretty good about that.  It sure helped that I popped my IPod on shuffle and cranked it up.  As I turned to do the last 11 miles I couldn't help but smile as Barry White greeted me.  Who knew he would make me happy after 27 miles!  Although I am not going to be riding on June 11th as originally planned, I am still going to do a 60-mile ride . . . possibly next Saturday.

“The difference between school and life?  In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test.  In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.”

It has been a while since I last blogged.  It is definitely not due to lack of things happening in life right at the moment, but just the opposite . . . too many happenings and not enough time.  It may or may not also be that I am not willing to expose some of what is occurring because I don’t know how to deal/feel concerning a few of them.

One of the major decisions that I have been kicking around is the option of selling my house.  I am very much aware of the nature of the market right now.  Actually I am probably more aware of it than most.  I deal with the industry on a daily basis and for the first time in my life I come to work every day apprehensive about leaving not still being employed.  I am in a position that I could sell my house.  I still have equity in my house.  Selling my house would mean the end of more than six monthly bills, get me completely 100% out of debt and put some extra cash in the bank.

I don’t really need a house.  It is just me.  I could find a nice basement apartment somewhere half the size.  I’m not attached to the “stuff” in my house so it wouldn’t pain me to get rid of most of it.  What I would miss would be my neighbors but they all leave eventually anyway to bigger homes as their families grow.  Keeping in touch isn’t all that difficult these days anyway.   

Sounds like an easy decision doesn’t it?  Well it isn’t.  There are other factors playing a role in the background.  Here is me attempting to be vulnerable.  The biggest one is that I feel like I would be giving up and surrendering . . . my failure out for everyone to see.  I have to admit that in a way for me it would be the last of hoping; holding the white flag out for the world to witness my defeat. 

I have always held onto the fact that I was successful and I had “stuff” in place of what I really desired to have.  That made me worth something to the world.  In the far reaches of the back of heart and mind I knew those things ultimately didn’t matter, but it was/is all I have to show for these 36-years of life.  I had to give it credence.  I don’t have a loving husband and children to show off and talk about . . . I have a nice home and stamps in my passport.  It was/is the red-headed, stepchild stand in (not that I really have anything against red-headed, step children but you catch my drift right?).

Now least you fear that the pity party is being thrown in my honor far too often, don’t worry.  I am becoming more and more at ease with where my life is and the pathway on which it seems hell-bent to stay.  I enjoy far too much how selfish I am allowed to be say on Saturday mornings when I can sleep in a dark, quiet bed to my heart’s content, spending however much money when and where I please, picking up and leaving town without any previous planning at the last second, having to answer to nobody and on and on and on.  It isn’t all bad and I know that. 

To sell or not to sell?  That is the question.

“Time doesn’t always heal: it just breathes and swallows memories like the seasons change – sending showers; beating flowers into the mud.  And nothing is forever in this place.  Nothing but the way my heart fits into your hands; the held breath of hope.”

Finally the sweet fragrant smell of spring was inhaled into my body and soul last night.  I have been waiting for that first real sign that it was honestly here.  As I was walking and pondering, I was suddenly met with a wall of the intoxicating aroma of lilac.  Lilacs are my favorite flowers and I am powerless to be anything but full of love under their presence.  They just make me happy. 

Lilacs in a way are my kryptonite – just don’t tell anyone.

I didn’t want to leave that spot (which wasn’t a good thing because I was standing in a parking lot) and paused to inhale several deep, cleansing breathes causing spectacular sensations to flow through my mind and body. 

Spring has finally made it!!!!