Just Rannin' Around

Monday, April 27, 2009

Ode to the monster under my bed

It seems as if you are always there waiting, waiting to cast your magical spell. In a preemptive strike I have completed a full-scale investigation, delving in and through everything contained in the dark space beneath my bed. But to no avail as I was unable to discover where you were hiding. Some of the issue may be that you come in different forms and so I am not really sure what I was searching for. Another issue is that in a way it is a comfort for me to have you there, although you still frighten me.

How much longer do you plan on being there? I guess only time will tell.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Spoiled rotten

I think that I have been caught in the sewer of life lately. I am not only guilty of initiating my decent down the drain, but also of subjecting myself to wallowing in the waste. Isn’t that a fabulous visual? Yeah, sorry about that!

Major problem: I focus WAY too much on what I don’t have rather on what I do have.

What needed to happen: A good blow to the back of the head with a 2x4.

The result: A refocus of the eyes.

Yesterday I was sitting in my office working away when suddenly I was being kissed on the cheek. A smile immediately radiated from my face and I was quickly swept out of my chair into hug that could melt the ice caps in Alaska. A whisper in my ear, “I love you Boo”, a squeeze, another kiss on the cheek and he was back out the door as quickly as he appeared.

No, this was not a dream and I am not making it up. It happens quite frequently. Let me explain.

I met him about ten years ago. He is one of those guys that are so physically beautiful that chins have to be pulled off the ground and drool rags are needed wherever he goes. I have received the look of envy and death from many women just because I know him. It honestly makes me laugh. The better part of him that they don’t even know that makes him even more attractive is that he is also one of the sweetest men out there. . . perfect gentleman.

He has been a wonderful friend that has been supportive and encouraging. In the ten years of knowing him, life has happened to both of us and we have been there to comfort and give that needed push forward. Yesterday I just realized how incredibly lucky I am to know, really know, that there are people that honestly love me. Some live their lives never know that, feeling that and I am constantly surrounded by it.

P.S. So no rumors start . . . he is and always has been just a friend. He is engaged.

P.P.S. Teaching last night went exactly as I knew it would which is one of the reasons I was struggling with it. Change is typically not an easy thing to swallow. I was presenting a different way of organizing a vital program which, for the most part, has been done the same way for over a century. I knew I was going to find resistance, I just wasn’t sure how much. Needless to say, it wasn’t embraced by the majority and as they left I heard much grumbling about the fact that they weren’t going to change their program. It made me really sad because I believe that it could make a dramatic difference. However, ultimately it is up to them.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Ever been so frustrated that the only thing that really gets accomplished is a headache?

I am teaching a training meeting tonight and I still don’t know what is supposed to be taught. I mean, I have a subject that I am assigned to cover, but nothing that I come up with seems right.

Preemptive strike: not show up . . . yeah right I am far too responsible to do that!

Thursday, April 09, 2009

“There is no rule more invariable than that we are paid for our suspicions by finding what we expected.” - Henry David Thoreau

I have been separating myself from the world for almost three weeks now. Not deliberately, but rather it has been a consequence of an inward inspection. Occasionally life requires an exhaustive examination of oneself . . . basically a good, old-fashioned spring cleaning of the soul.

In an attempt to not exacerbate the process, I always start with the dirtiest area first. That way I know that I have tackled the hardest work immediately while I am still strong and resolute. It is like starting with the bathrooms . . . my least favorite because it takes the longest time and requires the most detail, but once finished the rest of the cleaning seems light.

I can say unequivocally that I know what I want out of life. This brings immeasurable amounts of peace while also causing some indescribable pain. Although that would seem to be contradictory, it just isn’t. I have trials and tribulations that take me well beyond what I think that I can handle. Life is not easy. However, I can honestly say that I am happy and for the most part find much joy in the journey. It is possible because of the beginning sentence of this paragraph and more so because I know who I am.

“The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.” - Mother Teresa

I don’t think that it is possible to genuinely love someone else until there is a love of self. That comes from knowing that if my own cup is empty, how is it even possible to offer to help fill another’s. I think far too many wonder searching for and accepting other things slapping the label of love over it. Most of it is fleeting and in the long run, disappointing. There is only one True Source to keep the cup full. Once that Love is running into the cup, it not only fills it but allows it to overflow so that it can be shared. It is the only way.

Happiness runs this exact course. Once the Source of happiness is found, no matter what is or isn’t happening becomes secondary to knowing. There is an abiding comfort when choosing the right course. Life may turn upside down and spit in my face, but really it doesn’t matter. Yes it is painful, but it ultimately doesn’t matter. It is what I choose to do with what is given to me that matters. This life is 100% about agency. We get to choose who to follow. We get to choose who to love. It is about choosing in every single circumstance and then working, working, working.

“Men build too many walls and not enough bridges.” - Sir Isaac Newton

It is instinctual to build those walls once pain has infiltrated. In my life I have been a master wall builder. This is one of my greatest weaknesses. I have recently realized that I have acquired new bricks. I don’t remember how I got them, but I do know that I don’t want them. I am tired of building.

Brick one down. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was get over a relationship. I have learned that sometimes just because it is the freshest doesn’t mean that in retrospect that it was the hardest or that in some ways it still is a struggle.

Brick two down. Sometimes I know what people enjoy and so I purposely have it at my house specifically for them. My fear in admitting that is that they just might figure out that I care.

Brick three down. I hold back. I don’t say everything I am thinking (I guess most everyone already knows this one). I don’t give everything that I would honestly like to. I hide my emotions out of fear of rejection. I hold back from putting my heart into a lot of things. Sometimes I slip slightly, but I then I overcompensate and hate myself for overcompensating later.

Here comes the anxiety from just throwing those off the wall. . .

This is going to create a lot of pain within myself and these walls are not going down over night. I guess my worse fear is that when the dust settles from bringing the walls down, I will find myself standing alone and all of my protection gone.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

I don’t think about it

There are situations that due to circumstances just are the way they are. It becomes part of normal, everyday life to the person living in those situations, so much so that thought is not even given to them anymore. . . . until, of course, someone else points it out.

I have become accustomed to doing things by myself. It isn’t what I want, it is the way it is and I live life accordingly. I stopped being worrying about what other people thought of me sitting by myself in movie theatres, restaurants, church, ect., years ago. When I stopped worrying, my discomfort went away. Little did I realize that in some cases it causes other people a bit of their own discomfort.

Last Wednesday I was downtown after work. I had a meeting that started at 6:30 and so I did my normal Wednesday activity, just downtown verses driving across the valley. After I was finished I still had about 45 minutes before I needed to be at the meeting, so I decided to get something to eat. Why not, right? The cafeteria is right there and it would keep my stomach from voicing its opinions.

I had just about finished my bowl of soup when I felt a hand rest on top on my shoulder. I looked up to see the cutest, little old man gazing down with a smile to greet me. Before I could even say anything, he tightened his grip on my shoulder and said, “Why is such a beautiful girl eating all by herself?” I met his smile with one of my own and replied, “Probably because I haven’t been able to convince a gentleman just how worthwhile it is to join me yet.”

I did receive a bit of a laugh from him with my response. He then questioned where I had served my mission. When I stated that I hadn’t served a full-time mission, the smile faded and I could almost read the disappointment in his eyes. I just smiled. There really wasn’t anything that I felt like I needed to explain. After a couple of seconds he said, “Well I don’t know how you eat by yourself, that sure seems awful lonely to me!” I just laughed and said, “Sometimes you either eat alone or you don’t eat at all.” With much sympathy, he patted my shoulder and told me to have a nice evening.

Automatically I reminded myself that I was positive that he came over completely out of concern and well-meaning.

Friday, April 03, 2009

Violated . . . and not in a good way

Yesterday I was walking through the grocery store picking up needed food in preparation for General Conference. One of my favorite things about Conference weekend is that I get everything ready beforehand so that I can play at home and not feel the least bit guilty. That means lounging on the couch and taking a nap in between sessions, pure enjoyment.

When I am shopping I love to see how many people I can make smile. I engage people by making eye contact with them and offering a big smile, allowing them to go in front of me in line and by having small conversations. I received fabulous reactions while there and walked out of the store grinning from ear to ear. I am so easily entertained.

When I reached home, I stopped and picked up my mail. I then unloaded and put away the groceries and sat down at the table to have some dinner and shuffle through the mail. I got a birthday card from Mom and Dad (wow Mom you were only a week and half late this year, much improved!), a bunch of junk mail and my credit card statement.

Let me just start with a little self disclosure. . . I am OCD about my finances. Don’t get me wrong I have no trouble spending and at times even splurging, but I always know about how much my bill should be and where I have spent my money. So the first shock happened when I opened my statement and it was more than double what I was thinking that it should be. The thought crossed my mind that I had been on several vacations this last month and I just must not be remembering everything that I purchased.

So like I always do anyway I started going through the charges one by one mentally checking off the items as my purchases. I made it through the first page and half of the second before my stomach dropped to the floor. Happy Birthday to me . . . the charges started on March 21st and all of them originated from Las Vegas. Did I mention that I was in Moab, Utah on my birthday with friends?

After I looked through the charges a few times wondering when I had decided to become an alcoholic that spent a lot of time in Las Vegas, I finally pulled myself out of it and called my credit card company and had a great laugh with Debra in card security. Finding humor in just about any situation is a family trait. As Debra was checking my history it became very apparent, very quickly that the spending habits of this individual were completely out of character to my spending habits. For example on a typical statement there would be gas, groceries, Barnes and Noble, an occasional plane ticket, restaurants, and Target.

Breakdown of charges on this bill:

Night Club - $115.00
Liquor Store - $106.00
Two charges on a Sunday totaling $300.00 again for liquor
Lounge - $100.00
Gas charges - $50.00
Liquor – 60.00

I really got Debra laughing when I told her that when the charges were made on Sunday, I would have been in church. I am pretty sure that she had a sore stomach and tears of laughter running down her face by the end of the phone call. Sometimes I shouldn’t be so sarcastic in situations that should be serious.

The card company was absolutely fabulous (and not just because she thought I was so funny) and took care of everything. Now the only bummer is that I am without my favorite credit card for a week while they get a new one re-issued and sent out to me. It definitely pays to work with such a great company. It put my mind to ease that I wasn’t going to be held accountable for any of those charges that didn’t belong to me.

I almost feel like I should attend an AA meeting though . . . .


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