I’m not wrapping this in ribbons . . . consider yourself warned
Yes, I get that I have failed at every dating relationship that I have ever had. Yes, I understand that I am to the age where I am considered an “old maid” or better yet a “spinster”. Yes, I realize that guys are not lining up at my door hopeful that they will have the opportunity to date/marry me. Yes, I comprehend that I have already had my “chance” and I blew it (see the first statement). Yes, I grasp that I am not perfect and therefore shouldn’t expect perfection. Yes, I appreciate that I am not the best thing that happened since toilet paper. Yes, I know that I am not the catch of the century or even the day.
Thank you for graciously pointing out everything that I already struggle with within myself in an attempt to help me see that I should just thank my lucky stars and accept whatever is willing to self-sacrifice and pick me anyway. I know that your intent was in the right place and you had no idea that you were hurting me so badly that I spent the rest of the day crying and attempting to pull my destroyed self esteem out of the trash. I forgive you, but let me explain a little something to you.
I am 34, not 19, 22, 25 or even 27.
I know what I want and need in a relationship. I know what I can compromise on and what I just can’t. These are not your decisions, these are mine. If I end up spending this entire lifetime all alone because I am too “picky”, well I will be the one that will have to answer for that. You thought that I just quickly said no when you brought him up, but once again I am 34 and I had already spent some time on several occasions talking to him. These may not seem like huge issues to you, but for me it just isn’t one thing it is multiple things added together.
1. Divorced with children – this alone is not an issue. I understand that at my age it is probably more of a reality that I will marry someone that is divorced. Let’s continue though. . .
2. Health problems – again this alone could more than likely be sorted through and accepted. The fact that the health problems are so huge that at his mid-thirties he walks like he is in his 90’s and can’t do any type of physical activity is a gigantic issue. Do you even know me? I hike, bike, camp, run, rollerblade . . . . I am constantly on the go. I need someone who is willing and able to play with me.
3. Doesn’t have a job and has explained to me that he probably never will hold a secure, full-time job. Okay. I realize that I am capable and I can provide. I have busted my butt to be in a position that if anything ever happened, I would be able to pick up and provide for my family. However, that is the back-up plan, not the original plan for a lifetime. As if this isn’t enough, well here are a few of my “I am a big jerk and will be single for the rest of my life” issues . . .
4. He doesn’t like sports. Although I enjoy messing around and will play just about anything, I am by no means of the word an athlete. I am, however, an athletic supporter (I know, I’m funny). I grew up watching my dad play baseball for his company. I have spent countless hours watching and cheering on friends, brothers and boyfriends as they participated in a wide variety of sports. I love to watch football, baseball, soccer, basketball, crap I will even watch golf. For crying in the night, I hold season tickets to Ute Football and have traveled to cheer on my team. Is it really so much to ask that I date/marry someone who not only enjoys playing while I cheer them on, but enjoys watching/cheering right along side me?
5. He is shorter than me. This is not just a “I no longer have shoe freedom” shorter either. Barefoot, I stand at 5’10” and I almost always have on 2-4 inch heels. He is essentially eye level with my breasts. For me, that is an issue that I just don’t think that I can get over. I am happy for women that don’t have this issue with the man being shorter than her. Me, well, there is something that makes my heart do leaps and my stomach release butterflies when a guy looks down into my eyes and then leans down to kiss me while gently lifting me to my tippy toes or completely from the floor.
6. I am not attracted to him. I could never see myself sleeping in the same bed as him. See the problem in that? I do. I want a hot, physical attraction with the person I end up marrying. Ever been with someone that you really have to keep your physical distance from because the closer you get to that person, you can feel the heat turn up and you just want to rip their clothes off and frankly you don’t care where you are? (yes, my mom does read this blog and she will be proud of me for saying that) Does it have to be that totally intense every single minute? No, but if it isn’t there at all, that is just not acceptable.
7. He doesn’t laugh. Sure there are times that you need to be serious, but too much of life is serious. I need someone who will have a pillow fight with me. Someone who will jump on the bed with me. Someone who will laugh and roll their eyes when I do cartwheels in the middle of the grocery store because I can. Someone who will attack me on the couch with their newly acquired WWF move (I know how to tap out). Someone who will stretch out on the lawn and help me decide what the clouds look like. Someone who will people watch with me and make up stories about what is happening in their lives. Someone who will put on Neil Diamond’s Coming to America
or Saturday’s Warriors CD only because they know if it is goofy I will sing at the top of my lungs for them. Someone who will finger paint with me and end up with more paint on us then on the paper. Someone who will roll down hills with me. Someone who will take me to the park so we can slide down the slide and swing on the swings. I need to play and laugh.
I will be the first person to tell you that I have more flaws than I can count. I am not downplaying that point. Nor do I for one-tenth of a second believe that I am perfect. I don’t know if I will ever get what I want. I do know that it exists. The only things that I can do are attempt to make myself better so I can be that person for someone else and never sell myself short on what I know that I want and deserve.
To you that is being picky. To me that is understanding who I am and everything that I do have to offer someone else. I am not perfect, but I have a lot to offer someone that wants a really great life. The ultimate decision is not made by one person, but by two. I don’t want to be single, but until someone chooses me and I choose them, it will not work. I will not settle just because I am lonely. The guy that convinces me that he truly loves me and is sly enough to get my love in return, will never doubt my love or devotion nor will he be disappointed.