Just Rannin' Around

Monday, August 24, 2009

It isn’t about what’s in your past, it’s about what you want to make of your future

Far too often I allow myself to become lulled into a false sense of security. I will attest right now to the fact that sleep walking is not a safe activity especially when Satan is not only wide awake, but purposely placing stumbling blocks directly on the path. It seems that these blocks on my path have been filled with doubt. It frightens me how well that sneaky, slimy snake knows me.

Yesterday I attended the dedication of the Oquirrh Mountain Temple. The talks given washed through me and some recent spiritual experiences were strongly reiterated to my heart and my mind . . . more boldly than they were given the first time. I felt a little sheepish since I knew the reason I was receiving them again was because I was starting to wonder if I had just made the whole thing up in my mind . . . doubt had not only made a home but had built on its own wing. The scriptures are replete with examples of Satan using this exact tactic, the most famous being found in the Pearl of Great Price in the first book of Moses (the difference is of course, Moses didn’t fall for it like I always do).

I spent most of the rest of the day pondering on each of the experiences. Faith seems to slip through my fingers as quickly as the sands of time slide through an hour glass. Even by the end of the day, I began to have some doubts again. There is too much attached, too dependent on things that are out of my control (and we all know how well I deal with that). Satan didn’t even wait a whole day to begin the process. The good thing is that I recognized it and focused harder on having faith in the things that my Heavenly Father has given me. I opened my journal and looked back a few years to something else that was given to me and though it took a lot of time, was eventually fulfilled.

As I have been reading the scriptures, I have been pulled to Alma 32:42-43 a lot this last week. My understanding is not quite in context to what is being discussed in that particular chapter of Alma, but I know that it is comfort and a promise specifically for me during this waiting period. I don’t know how long I am going to have to wait. I don’t know what else I am going to have to go through before I see the fruits. I do know that it is going to take a lot of earnest prayer. I do know that it is going to take faith as I can’t see/know all things. I do know that I trust my Heavenly Father.

There is not a life that He can’t fix, a wound that is past His capacity to heal, anything broken that He doesn’t have the ability to make whole.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Is breathing truly necessary?

I have been extremely congested since last Saturday. I rarely get allergies, but this round came with a full offensive and defensive line ready to hit hard and win. My playbook has consisted of Benadryl, 12-hour Sudafed and boxes of Kleenex. However I took my last Sudafed last night before going to bed so now I am one major player short.

Why is it that when I feel like this that I just want to cuddle up with someone on my couch and watch a movie while they play with my hair?

Monday, August 17, 2009

“Listen Lois, I know you're a feminist and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the man.” - Peter, The Family Guy

This weekend included a couple of interesting twists that left me shaking my head. I was having a hard time hearing on Saturday and Sunday due to some incredible sinus pressure from allergies. I was hoping that I was just misunderstood the comment, but the look on Emily’s face told me that I had, in fact, heard correctly. At that point it took every ounce of self-control to not rip his comment (and attitude) to shreds, but it was not an appropriate venue to do such.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World states, “By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation.”

Before getting the wrong idea, let me reiterate that I have no deeper desire than to be at home raising my children and seeing that the needs of my husband are taken care of. I am doing everything possible to prepare so that opportunity is available to me when that time comes. I believe with all my heart that I can have no greater influence than inside my own home. Also, I think that one of the greatest signs of love and respect that a man can show me as a woman is to open doors for me, lead me into rooms with his hand on the small of my back, asking my opinion, finding out what I want and ordering for me in a restaurant . . . being a gentleman. Treat me like a lady and the rewards are heavenly.

However this does not mean that because I am a woman that I am incapable of doing anything else and that I don’t have any right to be out in the business world “stealing” jobs and promotions from men. Thank you for sharing this ignorant, insecure comment. It sounds like you need to turn that mirror around and look at the real problem. . . you! This is just one friendly suggestion that I have after I have had time to calm down. Oh and you might want to be a bit more careful with openly sharing such a small minded opinion.

Friday, August 14, 2009

“There’s only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that’s your own self.” –Aldous Huxley

I have some goals that I am currently pursuing. I am not a proponent of diets. In my cranium there is the belief that with proper moderation in eating and exercise, weight can be controlled and maintained. My entire life I have watched people (mostly women) go on all kinds of crazy diets and knew that they wouldn’t work, or at least work for the long term. Now places like Weight Watchers, I agree with their system. Why? It teaches moderation in eating and exercise. It isn’t a diet, it is teaching proper nutrition.

With that said, I am in the process of trying to shed a few extra pounds. Now before anyone freaks out, I KNOW that I am not fat. I have just gone slightly above the 145 pounds at which I feel like I am my healthiest.

I have lost 5 pounds. That might not sound like much (that means I only have 10 more to go though), but I have noticed a significant difference in how my clothes are fitting. I have put on a few pairs of pants recently and realized that I might not be able to wear them for much longer. The sad thing is they are fairly new, but I don’t think that I, nor anyone else, would appreciate me walking into a closing and have them fall to my ankles. I wish I would have taken my measurements before beginning because I think that I have actually lost more inches than weight. The abs are starting to show themselves in much more definition.

Work has raised the stakes and given me some additional incentive to continue. Where I was doing some form of exercise three to four times a week, it is now up to six times a week. We have a contest going now that the person that keeps up working out at least six times a week for 30 minutes a day will take home a cash prize. I think it might be their way of tell us that we are all getting a bit chucky. We do sit in front of computers all day, every day.

With all of this happening, I thought that I would add a ticker to my blog to help motivate and track my progress from here on out. Since the contest started on Monday, I searched the internet for one that would do what I wanted it to. Well needless to say that the search ended quickly with a sore stomach from laughing and deciding that I could track it on my own.


The first site that I pulled up allowed for tracking ones ovulation/menstrual calendar. Honestly? That was enough for me. I don’t need the universe to know when my cycle begins and ends. If you are that interested, ask me and I will tell you, but I would never post it to the internet. Let’s get serious. Even if you don’t post it to a blog and you just have it sent to your email . . . it is still there. You are running that program through the internet. It is accessible to some weirdo cyber-stalker that knows how to obtain the most random of information. From one that has had a stalker, it is not fun and as far as I know he just followed me around and showed up at the most random of places I happened to be. Why let anyone access any more information about you than truly needed without your knowledge? Bad idea.


I most likely won’t post my progress. If you want to see come on over and I promise to hold my pants up.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

What is your ability to act in spite of fear, in spite of worry, in spite of inconvenience, in spite of discomfort?

I think that the stars are aligned in a funk. Normally I don’t give much credence to the placement of heavenly bodies, but I am also not typically inundated with information that I don’t have any idea as to what I am supposed to do with it. I believe that it is time to create a brain file labeled “miscellaneous”.

Over the course of this last week, I have had multiple, spontaneous conversations with men who I have known for many, many years. I work with all of these men on a professional level, but over the course of time, friendships have developed. They do see a very different side of me than others due to the fact that they deal with me on a professional level. Let’s just say that the business world is one area that I don’t ever question my abilities.

There are quite a few of my clients that after having conversations all over the board, that with a flabbergasted look on their face ask me again why I am not married. After being thus questioned for probably the millionth time by a specific client, I got very bold and asked him, “I don’t know. You help me out and tell me. You were single for the first seven years that I knew you and you never did anything about it.” I suppressed a grin when he went bright red.

His explanation went to all of the usual answers.

1. My success in business, in life and in general was intimidating. He wasn’t sure that he would be able to match me and that he would disappoint me.

2. I knew too much. I knew about all his issues and problems. Not that he ever felt judged at all, but he didn’t feel that he was good enough for me at that time in his life. He didn’t deserve to have something so good in his life.

3. He had come to love and depend on my friendship so much that he was scared that he would mess that up if he pursued anything further.

4. Was terrified of hurting me. He felt like I deserved something better than him.

5. Finally, one of my favorites . . . I am the woman that is the wife and mother, not the girl that is the play toy. Dating me would mean growing up and being serious about moving forward in life. Accepting responsibility.

I will never admit as to whether or not I looked him straight in the face and called him a pansy.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

“Football isn’t a contact sport, it’s a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.”
–Duffy Daugherty

Being an adult, the mail becomes more of a bill-collecting chore than a surprise awaiting behind door number one.

Yesterday was a grand mail day . . . the season tickets arrived!

Monday, August 03, 2009

I’m not wrapping this in ribbons . . . consider yourself warned

Yes, I get that I have failed at every dating relationship that I have ever had. Yes, I understand that I am to the age where I am considered an “old maid” or better yet a “spinster”. Yes, I realize that guys are not lining up at my door hopeful that they will have the opportunity to date/marry me. Yes, I comprehend that I have already had my “chance” and I blew it (see the first statement). Yes, I grasp that I am not perfect and therefore shouldn’t expect perfection. Yes, I appreciate that I am not the best thing that happened since toilet paper. Yes, I know that I am not the catch of the century or even the day.

Thank you for graciously pointing out everything that I already struggle with within myself in an attempt to help me see that I should just thank my lucky stars and accept whatever is willing to self-sacrifice and pick me anyway. I know that your intent was in the right place and you had no idea that you were hurting me so badly that I spent the rest of the day crying and attempting to pull my destroyed self esteem out of the trash. I forgive you, but let me explain a little something to you.

I am 34, not 19, 22, 25 or even 27.

I know what I want and need in a relationship. I know what I can compromise on and what I just can’t. These are not your decisions, these are mine. If I end up spending this entire lifetime all alone because I am too “picky”, well I will be the one that will have to answer for that. You thought that I just quickly said no when you brought him up, but once again I am 34 and I had already spent some time on several occasions talking to him. These may not seem like huge issues to you, but for me it just isn’t one thing it is multiple things added together.

1. Divorced with children – this alone is not an issue. I understand that at my age it is probably more of a reality that I will marry someone that is divorced. Let’s continue though. . .

2. Health problems – again this alone could more than likely be sorted through and accepted. The fact that the health problems are so huge that at his mid-thirties he walks like he is in his 90’s and can’t do any type of physical activity is a gigantic issue. Do you even know me? I hike, bike, camp, run, rollerblade . . . . I am constantly on the go. I need someone who is willing and able to play with me.

3. Doesn’t have a job and has explained to me that he probably never will hold a secure, full-time job. Okay. I realize that I am capable and I can provide. I have busted my butt to be in a position that if anything ever happened, I would be able to pick up and provide for my family. However, that is the back-up plan, not the original plan for a lifetime. As if this isn’t enough, well here are a few of my “I am a big jerk and will be single for the rest of my life” issues . . .

4. He doesn’t like sports. Although I enjoy messing around and will play just about anything, I am by no means of the word an athlete. I am, however, an athletic supporter (I know, I’m funny). I grew up watching my dad play baseball for his company. I have spent countless hours watching and cheering on friends, brothers and boyfriends as they participated in a wide variety of sports. I love to watch football, baseball, soccer, basketball, crap I will even watch golf. For crying in the night, I hold season tickets to Ute Football and have traveled to cheer on my team. Is it really so much to ask that I date/marry someone who not only enjoys playing while I cheer them on, but enjoys watching/cheering right along side me?

5. He is shorter than me. This is not just a “I no longer have shoe freedom” shorter either. Barefoot, I stand at 5’10” and I almost always have on 2-4 inch heels. He is essentially eye level with my breasts. For me, that is an issue that I just don’t think that I can get over. I am happy for women that don’t have this issue with the man being shorter than her. Me, well, there is something that makes my heart do leaps and my stomach release butterflies when a guy looks down into my eyes and then leans down to kiss me while gently lifting me to my tippy toes or completely from the floor.

6. I am not attracted to him. I could never see myself sleeping in the same bed as him. See the problem in that? I do. I want a hot, physical attraction with the person I end up marrying. Ever been with someone that you really have to keep your physical distance from because the closer you get to that person, you can feel the heat turn up and you just want to rip their clothes off and frankly you don’t care where you are? (yes, my mom does read this blog and she will be proud of me for saying that) Does it have to be that totally intense every single minute? No, but if it isn’t there at all, that is just not acceptable.

7. He doesn’t laugh. Sure there are times that you need to be serious, but too much of life is serious. I need someone who will have a pillow fight with me. Someone who will jump on the bed with me. Someone who will laugh and roll their eyes when I do cartwheels in the middle of the grocery store because I can. Someone who will attack me on the couch with their newly acquired WWF move (I know how to tap out). Someone who will stretch out on the lawn and help me decide what the clouds look like. Someone who will people watch with me and make up stories about what is happening in their lives. Someone who will put on Neil Diamond’s Coming to America or Saturday’s Warriors CD only because they know if it is goofy I will sing at the top of my lungs for them. Someone who will finger paint with me and end up with more paint on us then on the paper. Someone who will roll down hills with me. Someone who will take me to the park so we can slide down the slide and swing on the swings. I need to play and laugh.

I will be the first person to tell you that I have more flaws than I can count. I am not downplaying that point. Nor do I for one-tenth of a second believe that I am perfect. I don’t know if I will ever get what I want. I do know that it exists. The only things that I can do are attempt to make myself better so I can be that person for someone else and never sell myself short on what I know that I want and deserve.

To you that is being picky. To me that is understanding who I am and everything that I do have to offer someone else. I am not perfect, but I have a lot to offer someone that wants a really great life. The ultimate decision is not made by one person, but by two. I don’t want to be single, but until someone chooses me and I choose them, it will not work. I will not settle just because I am lonely. The guy that convinces me that he truly loves me and is sly enough to get my love in return, will never doubt my love or devotion nor will he be disappointed.


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