Have you ever been in a swirling wind storm that picks up dirt off the ground, magically wraps it around you without any of it touching you but allowing you to stare in wonder and yet somehow knowing that reaching out to grasp some of it would chase the moment away?
That is what the thoughts seem to be doing in my brain right now and I am not quite sure where to begin or how to adequately express them.
I don’t remember a time when I have ever doubted that Heavenly Father loves me. I know that this is a gift that was given to me because I needed it in order to wade through the tribulations of my life that have, do and will come. Every other part of me (who I am, what I believe and know, what I should be doing with my life, ect, ect, ect) has been doubted and questioned with excruciating pain and turmoil throughout my lifetime.
It isn’t because I have lived a perfect life, not even close. If He only loved people who were perfect, there would only be one in the entire history of this world that could claim His love. I think that not only has God’s love been an innate part of me, but I think that I have been blessed with the specific men that have been in my life. Let me explain that a little further.
I truly believe that every child begins to form a view of Heavenly Father through the relationship with their earthly father. It is the most basic way to take something imperceptible and making it discernible. It is an unequivocal fact that I am a daddy’s girl. I was blessed with a dad that gave me an accurate view into the very nature and heart of my Heavenly Father. No matter what mistakes I made or how bad I screwed up, I always knew that my dad would still love me. He might be extremely angry or disappointed, but that didn’t change the fact that he loved me. I could even tell him that I hated him (which I am positive I did, sorry Dad) and he still loved me. He was always there patiently waiting when I was done throwing a tantrum to listen and then help me understand and figure out what needed to happen next. His love was (and still is) consistent.
With a few exceptions, my bishoprics and Stake presidencies have also had a hand in helping me to truly understand the love of Heavenly Father. Through these incredible men, I was able to grasp the cleansing power of the Atonement. What an amazing gift that is beyond description! I am able to approach my Heavenly Father because of the Atonement. I have the opportunity to continuously try again no matter how many times it takes. It is sometimes the only beacon of hope that I can see. I am learning to love others more unselfishly. I am learning to not judge. I am learning that there is only One that can truly fix me.
My male friends and dating experiences (as weird as it may sound) have also helped me to realize the deep love my Heavenly Father has for each of us. One of my favorite beliefs about dating is that the Lord will never put anyone in my life that ends up not staying there and expect me to accept something less the next time. As I look back, I know just how true it is. From every single guy I have dated, I have learned something new about myself which has helped me learn what I need in a spouse and what really isn’t that important (this will have to be a whole blog in and of itself). Every guy has been better . . . that is better for me. My guy friends have set a high bar for what I do expect. They have loved me so unconditionally and been there to take care of me. I have had a lifetime of guy friends that taught me what I deserve and what I shouldn’t accept.
Although this doesn’t even touch all that I have been thinking about, nor does it even come close to the complexities of my thought process, it does get down in writing some of the things that I hold closest to my heart. I will have to sit down and blog more about the last paragraph another day.