Just Rannin' Around

Sunday, August 29, 2010

“For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me.” –Job 3:25

Pick an element of the weather that I have a hard time finding a positive attribute about and it would be wind. I have a bad memory with wind that happened when I was little that I have never quite managed to overcome. When it is raining I enjoy playing in it until it soaks me through. When it is snowing, I am up for a snowball fight, snow angel contest and sledding. When it is sunshine and warm biking, hiking, camping, rollerblading, and all things soaking in the sun I can be found. When it is windy, I deal with it . . . usually inside.

Yesterday I spent the afternoon up at the Bountiful Temple in a sealing room witnessing the eternally bonding ceremony for my cousin, his wife and their 7-month old daughter. I was blessed and honored to have the opportunity to be there with them. It was beautiful.

After the ceremony, I walked back outside to the hurricane forced winds that were blowing all day long. Normally I would have run to my car and hurried home to get out of it. Yesterday, the wind and I were friends. It was expressing what I was feeling inside. I found the temple grounds empty and so I sat down on the grass on the east side of the temple. I sat there for hours just allowing the winds to blow all around me and not bothering to even keep my hair out of my face.

I suppose when I found a fear bigger than the wind, it no longer phased me.

Monday, August 23, 2010

“Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it.”

This month at work is set to be the highest producing month that I have had in almost two years. Of course it is a good thing. The only crappy thing about the whole situation is that it is all being shoved into the next three days. Taking a bathroom break won’t even be an option. I threatened that if they didn’t bring in a receptionist for this week that I would be coming in either. All of the work hitting my desk is rather daunting. My anxiety level about being able to actually handle it all is high. I have considered just packing a suitcase and taking it with me tomorrow because I will more than likely be living at my office for the rest of the week.

I am grateful I have a job. I am grateful I have a job. I am grateful that I have a job.

Maybe my anxiety level is on over drive for other reasons too. For one the last time that I found out that I had to spend a period of time in the hospital waiting I didn’t have to do it by myself. There was hours spent on the phone with everything between laughing to serious discussions. A needed distraction and love flowed freely through the connection. It made a difficult time manageable and kept me breathing. This time, well, won’t be the same.

Saturday afternoon I will put names on the prayer roll before attending a sealing in the Bountiful Temple.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

“You are the embodiment of the information you choose to accept and act upon. To change your circumstance you need to change your thinking and subsequent actions.”

I spent the better part of Thursday afternoon at the Mount Timpanogos Temple with a friend. I always feel so honored when someone invites me to be a part of something that is so incredibly spiritually personal as receiving their own endowment. As I watched her throughout the session and then in the Celestial Room surrounded by their families, my heart was bursting with joy for her.

There are no words adequate to express the beauty that radiates from the eyes of each individual as they make sacred covenants with our Heavenly Father. The mistakes made in the past are left at the doors. Life becomes tranquil and peaceful. The full impact of the sealing power awakens the soul. The miracle of the Atonement tightly wraps its healing arms around each wounded, worn individual and lifts heavenwards. The Spirit openly blesses and reassures that the promises that have been made will be fulfilled.

Since I received my own endowment in 2001, I have also been privileged to have been invited to witness upwards of 19 marriage sealings. As I attended the Salt Lake Temple Saturday morning I again felt so much joy wash through me for this sweet friend. One of my favorite things is to watch the bride and groom exchange gazes. This is where the love is heartfelt and honest. The groom couldn’t take his eyes off of the bride and there was so much tenderness that it brought me to tears. The strength of kneeling at the alter of God and promising one's self to another cannot be replicated in any other way.

Thank you for inviting and allowing me to be a part of some of the most sacred and important moments in your life. They will be added to the treasure chest in my heart that hold other such memories that have filled my life. Together it all reminds me of just what I am waiting for and helps me hold on tight.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my

I am beginning to believe that all of my worse nightmares aren’t going to end. I woke up this morning at 2:13 curled up in the fetal position, shaking. I remembered with perfect clarity what had blasted me out of sleep. The problem is that waking up just brought me into new realms of nightmares.

Time on alarm: 2:45 am

Time on alarm: 3:27 am

Time on alarm: 3:51 am

Time on alarm: 4:31 am (I might have sworn at this point)

Time on alarm: 5:06 am

Tuesday mornings (bright and way too early) I have a marketing/networking meeting with a group of business people in all different industries. I knew that I had to be up in less than an hour. That didn’t stop me from continuing forth with much devoted effort to get at least some sleep and get away from the thoughts/emotions running through me.

I must have finally fell semi-unconscious because before I knew it I was full fledge into a hostage situation. Let’s just say that I offered myself up to be killed to spare everyone else. There was some ugly conversation exchanged between me and the gunmen.

Then my alarm went off.


Monday, August 09, 2010

"I can't give solutions to all of life's problems, doubts,
or fears. But I can listen to you, and together, we will
search for answers.

I can't change your past with all it's heartache and pain,
nor the future with its untold stories.
But I can be there now when you need me to care.

I can't keep your feet from stumbling.
I can only offer my hand that you may grasp it and not fall.

Your joys, triumphs, successes, and happiness are not mine;
Yet I can share in your laughter.

Your decisions in life are not mine to make, nor to judge;
I can only support you, encourage you,
and help you when you ask.

I can't prevent you from falling away from friendship,
from your values, from me.
I can only pray for you, talk to you and wait for you.

I can't give you boundaries which I have determined for you,
but I can give you the room to change, room to grow,
room to be yourself.

I can't keep your heart from breaking and hurting,
but I can cry with you and help you pick up the pieces
and put them back in place.

I can't tell you who you are.
I can only love you and be your friend."

Sometimes I just don't have all the words or the right words. Sometimes someone else comes close.

Thursday, August 05, 2010

Since I couldn't call into work dead . . . .

I am most grateful for an office with a door that can shut, lock and stay that way all day long.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists!" -Woody Allen

It was an exhausting night last night.

I really wish that I could figure out why I am having nightmares. I didn't watch anything on television. The only things that I did yesterday was go to work, then to my voice lesson and then to a BBQ with a bunch of married couples. Nothing that should have lead me into the disastrous, sleepless night I endured.

It was a constant stream of violence that changed every time I closed my eyes. The scenes changed from me attempting to stop some abuse against a random woman in the streets and the attacker turning his anger on me to being the victim of an **abusive father . . . and everything in between. **(My own dad would never in a million years lift a finger against anyone, especially against his wife and children. Anyone who knows my dad knows that. In my dreams, this monster that was my "father" was someone I have never seen in my life.)

Finally at about 5:00 this morning I woke up in tears, truly feeling fear and just needing some comfort and protection. The only thought that kept coming to me was the closest thing I had to getting it was a pillow and a blanket out of the downstairs closet and then to curl up on the couch. I have to admit that thought just brought sad tears and so I stayed up in my bed and just refused to shut my eyes again.

I shouldn't be having these stupid nightmares. I don't watch shows that have violence in them because I know that it affects me. The closest thing to violence that has ever happened to me is when a guy told me that he was going to rape me (and my brother and a friend that just happened to be a professional kick boxer went and told him what would happen to him if he ever even looked at me cross eyed . . . believe me he never even thought about looking at me again) and that was more than 18 years ago. Oh and I suppose that I could even count my almost kidnapping, but that was more than 25 years ago.

What is causing me to not feel safe? Any suggestions on how one stops having nightmares?

Side note: This is my 500th post!

Sunday, August 01, 2010

“A friend knows the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails.”

Ever had memories zooming across your brain at lightening speed and realizing all at once that your heart is part of the race track where the zigging and zagging is fast enough to break the sound barrier?

“You don’t love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy cars, but because they sing a song only you can hear.”


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