“Life is a long lesson in humility.”

Have you ever been publicly flogged?  Now I have had more than my fair share of public embarrassment, including slipping on a stage while preforming with a concert band in front of an entire auditorium full of people with my skirt flying up around my waist.  No I am not exaggerating it is quite a funny story . . . now.  That isn’t all.  I just don’t epitomize the definition of grace and therefore have to live with the consequences. 

However I must admit that I will take public embarrassment any day of the week over a public flogging.  Let me explain how I  now know the difference.

Let me begin by stating the obvious for anyone that knows me even slightly . . . I am an incredibly private person.  I just don’t share my personal thoughts and feelings with anyone.  There is a part of me that nobody gets to know.  I think a few people have seen bits and pieces of it, but with very, very few exceptions I keep things to myself.  I am not scared to admit that I do it out of fear and self-preservation.  Maybe it isn’t right, but it’s done nonetheless.  Walls, walls everywhere!  Walls nobody gets to penetrate. 

Yesterday I was scheduled to teach a lesson.  I fretted over the subject matter but only because I have been in too many lessons concerning these topics to know that they can easily run marathons along tangents that drive the Spirit away and offend class members.  Naturally I didn’t want either to happen.  The topics of discussion that I was given to teach were on being judgmental and pride.  Take a huge bit out of that and swirl it around your mouth for a while and see how it tastes. 

I was ever so grateful to have a friend in the class and I privately asked to help me keep the lesson on target.  It put me at ease having her there.

The discussion was going so well and I was pleasantly surprised that it was sticking spiritually to the subject matter.  I wasn’t ready for what happened toward the middle of the lesson though.  Of course who is ever ready for a preverbal 2x4 to the back of the head? 

A comment was being made concerning pride.  As I was attentively listening tears flooded my eyes, I couldn’t breathe and an overwhelming feeling a pain hit my heart to the core.  I honestly wanted to excuse myself quickly from the room and go home.  The word “guilty” must have been written in blazing red letters across my forehead.  I couldn’t stop the emotion surging through me and so my very personal flaw became one for all to see a moment only after I myself discovered it.  I felt like I had been stripped naked and whipped.

As I logically look at it now a bit removed from the situation, I realize that it is probably the only way that I would have ever admitted it to even myself and probably would have never admitted it to anyone else as I would have swept it behind the walls and just fixed it. 

Our shortcomings, failings and mistakes sometimes are posted for all to see.  I think the lessons learned out of such events are as unique as we are individually.  The question then becomes are we going to allow it to drag us down and make us bitter or use it to better ourselves?     

Sometimes I can’t sit still because it opens pathways that are typically destructive.

It is probably a good thing that I never run out of things that need to get done.  My week has kept me up and running . . . sometimes literally.

Saturday morning was an early start.  I ran in the Salt Lake City 5K.  I thought that it started at 7:30 and was more than a bit surprised when we got there at 7:14 to the end of the runners making their way up the street.  It had really started at 7:10, so we had some catching up to do.  Then the rest of the day was filled with a baby shower and friends.

Sunday I attended a few extra hours of church in order to fulfill my calling.  I must say that to anyone that teaches, PLEASE don’t pick up the manual and proceed to do nothing but read it word for word and call that a lesson.  I was a little more than bored and very much concerned.  I may be wrong (it has happened once or twice) but I don’t think that anyone gets spiritually fed through this method of teaching.

Monday night I ended up being on the phone most of the night helping a couple of friends that needed someone just to listen and love them.  I am always amazed and incredibly honored when they choose to trust and confide in me.

Tuesday night I went on a 30-mile bike ride.  We are attempting to add 10 miles a week to our rides in order to be prepared.  It was happened to be the only days with halfway decent weather conditions.  I am now fairly confident that I should invest in the bike tube industry.  I got a flat tire.  Luckily a nice man stopped and had us up and moving again quickly.

Wednesday night was Stake Auxiliary Training.  I taught about the importance of training our Sunday teachers how to teach. 

Last night I couldn’t sit still . . . actually I wouldn’t allow myself to since I knew it would be a bad thing.  I did two loads of laundry (clean sheets are one of my favorite things), cooked a yummy dinner that entailed a lot of artichoke hearts and feta cheese, went grocery shopping and in between it all made some delicious zucchini bread with toasted walnuts.  I definitely went to bed with a full tummy.    

I still need to get my bike into the shop to have it tuned up.  I really need to buckle down and get my lesson prepared for Sunday (practice what I preach or something like that).  I also have a few speaking assignments coming up that I need to start looking at.  I still have two of my six ladies on my visiting teaching list to connect with before the end of the month.  Of course my first course of business is getting the activity for tomorrow done. 

Sometimes I know that I make my hands busy so my thoughts don’t get in the way. 

“I’m going to smile and make you think I’m happy.  I’m going to laugh, so you don’t see me cry.”

Time is a funny thing.  No matter what is happening it is always constant yet we speak of it speeding up, slowing down and sometimes even stopping.  In reality it does absolutely none of this.  It ticks on not conscious or caring.  I never imagined that 365 days would pass yet the loss just as present as if not even an hour had yet moved forward.  Time happily passes onward for most without a thought backwards.  It is me that will never fully recover.

“If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.”

“The first principle of success is desire – knowing what you want.  Desire is the planting of your seed.”

Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?

I am SO ready for sunshine and warm weather.  Friday evening after work was pleasant enough that I went and got my plants for my tiny backyard garden.  With the help of the neighbor kids (who just thought it funny that I was playing in the dirt), I planted cilantro, basil, rosemary, parsley, thyme and mint. 

Does anyone know if plants can drown? 

I need the sunshine . . . any sunshine.

“You doubt your value.  Don’t run from who you are.”

Surprisingly

I am not a naturally athletic individual.  I know it.  I admit it.  However I do not bow to it.  I refuse to give into it.  It does mean that I have to fight for everything that I want to do in that sphere of my life. 

The road bike came out bright and early this morning.  I think that I shocked myself.  Although it did take me an hour and a half, I managed to complete a 22 mile ride.  The wind was whipping this morning and brought with it some difficulty.  I do gratefully bring news of no rain!  It was a first on this ride without rain, thunder and lighting.  I was excited about that. 

After my troubles on the last ride I took I was a bit anxious about this one since it was more than twice as long.  All I will say is that after this ride I am ready to extend to a longer ride to ready myself for the upcoming event.  I do want to get faster and think that it is more than possible.  So if anyone is up for a ride and is willing to be patient while I build up but also helping to push me a bit . . .   

“There is no planning. On the night it is really great, it’s euphoria and if it is not so great, there is always tomorrow night.”

I don’t often think of myself as being a grown-up.  I know I know I should but it is something that just doesn’t cross my mind often.  Honestly I find when I think about it that I don’t necessarily put an age to myself and that I still feel like I am quite young.  After all, I still find myself doing much of the same things I always have.  Life hasn’t cycled for me in the direction that I have deemed in my mind as “growing up”.  Sure one could argue that I am plenty grown up in the fact that I have countless responsibilities, but in essence my time, my money, my space, my decisions, my things are mine . . . no sharing required.  I am not a proponent for this lifestyle as I deeply believe that life is a much more fulfilling when sharing one’s life with a companion and children, I am just making a statement as to why I don’t feel like I have become a full-fledged grown-up.

This morning I walked into work and had a flashback of a childhood memory that help put a smile on my face and a skip in my step.  It honestly made me feel like I was playing dress up and was wearing clothes that didn’t fit. 

Growing up my dad was a truck driver and my mom stayed at home with us.  When we went to pick my dad up at work we walked into a large warehouse full of paper and forklifts.  It was exciting especially when we were able to take home the ends of large rolls of leftover paper that allowed us to be creative at home.  Well mostly we would do crayon outlines of our bodies because the paper was enormous.  Needless to say we didn’t have much exposure to an office setting. 

My parents did a lot to see that we were taken care of and provided for in the best possible way.  Sometimes that meant that they did extra jobs to help bring in a little more income.  One of those jobs was to solar film (yes I was raised in the ‘80s as that is what it was called then and not something as boring as simply window tinting) windows of office buildings.  They used to take us along as they would do it on the weekends when the offices were closed and to could get into the corners of windows only tiny bodies could fit.  Bet most of you didn’t know that was my first job.

Anyway, the office buildings were a wonder to me with all the desks and phones and conference rooms and dry erase boards.  It all seemed so very sophisticated and glamorous.  Who wouldn’t want to work at such a spectacular, fancy place?!

As I walked into my office this morning that recollection hit me full force.  Anyone want to play else want to play dress up?  It is really quite entertaining.