Just Rannin' Around

Thursday, September 30, 2004

Sometimes I think if I can make my body go faster than my mind, I will not think about things. I did an excellent job of keeping myself busy yesterday. Work all day, off to do some visits, then to the gym. Run for 2 miles and than an hour on arms and legs. Home to do some laundary and clean the house. Me and my favorite pillow on the floor and out comes my study materials for the day. Phone rings, talk to my dad for a couple of hours. Wash my face, prayers and climb into bed. Knock on my door, 1:00 in the morning, listen and wipe some tears, give some hugs, calm some fears. Back down on my knees for the second time to ask for blessings of comfort, love, strength, and knowledge for those who are hurting and to express some gratitude for the opportunity to do anything that I can to ease someone's pain. It isn't that I really have anything to do with helping the pain ease, but that I just love people. It doesn't matter what they are going through or what they have done. I may dislike the act, but I still love the person. If I really listen to my heart I know the divinity that each of us possess and though there may be a mistake made, it is not for me to judge. All that I am to do is love and care. After all, I have made more than my fair share of mistakes which has caused me to lose things that I still care about. Sometimes it is hard to take a person out of the mistake after it has been made. By that I mean that becomes how you see that person from that point on rather than realizing that it was a mistake and by acknowledging, won't allow it to happen again. It is a matter of setting your mind and heart against the mistake and not the person that you love. So did I succeed in keeping myself from thinking yesterday? Of course I didn't. I just see things in a little bit of a different perspective. All I can do is love the people around me and ground myself in the most important relationship that I need to have in this life and be happy.

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

My heart is singing today!! I can't even explain how incredibly happy I am. There is pure joy in learning that when you love someone, you can just be happy because they are. I learn this everytime I have a friend get engaged/married, have a baby, graduate from college, get a new job, finish a goal, gain a light back in their eyes, or any other numbers of life events. These goings on have nothing to do with me. They don't effect me, there are no benefits for me. I just love to see people I love find what they want out of life and find it within their reach. After spending a lifetime, in most cases, what an exciting time to have it right there.

Author's note: I realize that I am a nerd, but I just can't help it!

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

When you learn something about yourself, one would think that you would take that information and change by either implementing or destroying the aforementioned piece of knowledge.

I have been looking at the patterns that occur in my life and wondering if I have any control over changing them. When dealing with others I have realized that the same things continue to happen and the only common factor involved is me. Well as much as that is a great piece of information, what do I need to change in my life in order to stop this cycle from re-occuring.

Fear, an incredibly ugly word. I fear sharing myself with others. Why? Because if I do, I open myself up to be hurt and let others see every flaw that I possess. I have been hurt, more than I care to remember, however the pain stays very vivid in my mind, creating a strong invisable barrier that has to be broken through if one wants to get close to me. This is a weakness that I have to work through. Don't get me wrong, I don't hold anything against anyone because I can't blame them for my feelings. I do have a tendency to withdrawl back into myself and not share. I am extremely talented at moving the subject of discussion from me to the other person. This allows me to stay safe. The issue: it is detrimental to the progression of a relationship for me to stay "safe". The solution: open up realizing hurt is part of life and that if someone truly cares, they will look past the weaknesses and love me anyway.

Love, sometimes too much. So once I get past the initial fear and begin to trust I have this nasty habit of jumping from the high dive head first before looking to see if the pool is even filled with water. That will leave a mark! As much as I like to hide it, I am a big softy. I strive on being able to do things for myself. I am the independent girl that doesn't need anyone for anything, riiiight. If that isn't the biggest bunch of bunk that I have created for people around me to believe. Sure I don't need someone to come over to change my lightbulbs, but I need people. The issue: Once I trust and know how I feel, I feel so strong and want to give so much that I open my heart completely which is scary for the receiver. The solution: Fill the pool before jumping in idiot!

Running, first instinct. Sure it is always easiest to run at the first time of trouble which goes right back to building up the walls to protect myself. Relationships, I don't care of which type you are talking about, are always going to be a struggle and work. It is a matter of trying to combine two individuals that have different life experiences. Honestly it is worth the fight. The past is exactly that, move forward. Deal with things as they come rather than assuming that it will end as it always has. This is a new situation with a new person, things have the possibility of working out differently. The issue: Running shoes are my friends, it is safer for me and the other person. The solution: Put past experiences behind and work forward together.

Of course with another person being involved, one never has sole control over what ultimately happens.

Friday, September 24, 2004

Have you ever had a day where things just start becoming funny because there isn't much you can do about what is happening?

I woke up this morning knowing that it was going to be crazy, but this is just humorous. I have 9 closings today (typical day is 3 or 4), so there isn't much time for things to go wrong. I walked into my office and at 8:00 in the morning the gateway to hell (which is what my office has been coined because the air conditioning doesn't work correctly and it is always blasted hot) was already about 350 degrees, can I bake a cake for anyone? No problem, I will just turn on the fan and hope that I don't melt, however since I am the gatekeeper I should be fine.

Walked into my first closing this morning and we were so close to being finished, six more signatures, 5 minutes tops and the two-year-old decides breakfast is really not that great and shares it with all of us. Throw-up is everywhere. I am just grateful that it was milk and didn't have the nasty regular barf smell or I am afraid that I would have added to the mess. So fifteen minutes later after scrubbing the floor with paper towels and wet ones, we finish the closing and I send them on their way. Four closing rooms and now one smells like rotten milk, yummy.

The start of the day has been adventurous, can't wait to see what the rest of the day has in store! Good luck to all in their adventures today!!

Thursday, September 23, 2004

Jumping on the bed because I can. Being lead outside by a 2-year-old holding tightly to my finger because she wants to play. Leaving a surprise for someone on their car to make them smile. Teaching my nieces and nephews things my brothers and sisters don't want them to know. Laughing until tears are rolling down my cheeks and my side is aching. Swinging on the swings. Food fights, mud fights, water fights, snowball fights. A rousing game of WWF. Hugs, lots and lots of hugs. Ice Cream. Snow angels. Smiling for no reason at all. New born babies. Curling up on the couch with a blanket and hot chocolate on a cold day with a good book. Naps. Being surrounded by great friends. Excitement of that first kiss. Traveling. Sharing. Loving. Forgiving. Understanding. Sitting quietly and thinking of you. Watching as the sun rises and the sun sets. Realizing that I am not alone. Walking next to Him and letting Him carry me when needed.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Must be football season!

To me, there is something about the game of football that pulls me to my feet, screams to fall from my lips and excitment to flow through my blood. I have never been athletic, but that hasn't stopped me from appreciating those who have those talents and abilities. I love to watch athletic events and football was the sport with which I started.

There are two opposing teams, each wanting the end result to fall in their favor. This is not a nice game where they polietly allow the next team to take their turn. Oh no, it is all about lining up on the line of scrimage waiting to maim anyone that thinks they are going to get past you or, if you are on defense, even trying to cross onto their territory and catch them beyond the line itself, pushing them back, away from their goal, and offense wants to cross that line and forge ahead in persuit of the end zone. There are not just the players on the field, but reserve members of each team in case someone gets tired or injured. Then there are the coaches, some on the field and some way above the stands watching with a different perspective. These are men that were once players themselves, that have watched and learned the game with such an intense level that they are able to advise and make decisions about what is going to be beneficial for the entire team to do next. Wait we aren't finished yet. All around the field are stands that hold thousands of fan, watching the team, cheering for them to win and feeling the defeat if it happens. Bands play, cheerleaders chant, mascots encourage, announcers (make idoitic statments, I mean...) inform, and refs control.

Both teams want to be able to determine what the other team is going to do before they do it in order to stop the movement of the other team. At times it is so obvious that the fans realize the next move. Fourth down and one yard to go, well duh, the offense is going to do a quarterback sneak right up the middle hoping the offensive line is quicker than the defensive line and can get just that one additional yard. With that one additional yard, four more tries to your ultimate goal, without, ball is turned over to the other team.

Sometimes it all works and the end zone is reached. Sometimes it almost works and 3 points are gained through kicking it through the uprights. Other times, nothing and a quick punt to the other team. The thing about this game however is that everyone has to work as a team. Everyone has to be willing to dig in their heals and give everything they have, even through the pain and discomfort that the play may be causing. Some players have strengths in certain areas that others don't, but a good team always consists of players that have different strengths in different areas to balance the team. If the team members all had the same strengths, they would never get anywhere because there would be no coverage of the weaknesses. Strengths can be gained through learning them by watching and applying those skills of the team members that possess them.

Every game is not won. Disappointment and frustration are sure to occur. The excitment of watching and hoping that we come out on top keeps us there and if our team wins through pure hard work and enduring, what exhilarating joy!

Go Utes!!

Monday, September 20, 2004

"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming--WOW--WHAT A RIDE!!"
-Unknown Author

Rainstorms are the best!! Not the ones that if you walk fast enough you don't end up with even a drop on your clothing, but the huge ones where even if you think about stepping out side you end up soaked. Who wants to hurry through them anyway? There is nothing like walking outside, holding your arms out, closing your eyes, leaning your head back and letting the warm rain wash down your face. Of course then you have to finish by getting as wet as possible by puddle jumping. Thanks for letting me be 6 again even for just a moment in time where life was safe and the biggest drama around you was if your mom was going to get mad or laugh and take pictures because you just got into a huge mud fight (tackling always included).

Then there are incredible sunsets that come on the perfect day when you just need to know that someone painted the sky for you to let you know that you are loved!! They are amazing going from purple to red to orange. The storm clouds in the sky are perfectly situated so that the sun going down in the west is causing its own magestic sunset, but also causing light to thrown across to the other side of the valley so that it appears that a large red flashlight has been turned on and spotlighting the beauty of the mountains on the East. It is most certainly time to pause and remember that there are greater things at work around us that are for us if we will but take a moment to notice.

Little do you realize that when both of these marvelous things occur in the same day that maybe taking notice of them are a blessing that will help you remember that you are being looked after and comforted before life happenings. It isn't that I am loved or looked after any more than anyone else, it is about taking the time to look and then acknowledge from where such blessings come. In this life there is going to be pain, heartache and misery, there is no getting out if any of it since we are human and we deal with humans. However there is also endless access to joy and happiness if we are willing to reach out and accept it. Even when others makes decisions that you have to live with the consequenses of, there comes an increase of inner comfort that doesn't take away the pain, but allows us to say all will be well.

"Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail. Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not."
-Doctrine and Covenants 6:34, 36

Friday, September 17, 2004

"I'm not looking. My back is turned. Now go do something wrong, anything wrong. I'm not looking." Isn't it interesting that this would come out of my mom's mouth? The irony of the entire situation still makes me laugh.

There is an inner peace that comes from acting the same way that I believe. I don't understand why it is so vital that I go and do something tragically wrong for everyone else around me to feel like they can take a breath and relax. It is almost like people can't believe that I have had a full life unless I have experienced things that go against what I hold as my standards for myself. Not that I don't ever do anything wrong, because I make more mistakes than should be allowed in a lifetime over the course of the day, but it just doesn't consist of what people think are the "big" things so in some way it doesn't seem to count. I don't hold people to my standards and judge them because they have done things in their lives, why is it that I can be judged and looked at differently because I have chosen to direct my life the way that I have?

Now a bit of an explaination. I feel like I understand things that people go through, not because I have myself been through them, but because I learn by watching and listening and trying to place myself in the situation. There is a way to learn without having to actually do, but by learning through others. I have been through more things with friends that have opened my eyes and helped me understand issues that most people never want to or with which they choose to deal. I have rubbed many backs as they hung their heads over toilets because of too much alcohol consumption. I have rushed over to homes to hold hands so that the food they just ate would be allowed to stay in their system. I have held in my arms and cried with those who have hurt themselves through many different outlets. I have kissed forehead and wiped many tears for so many different reasons, so why don't I do something wrong, anything wrong......I see the consequences, the pain, the hurt through others eyes and don't have to necessarily experience on my own to get the meaning and lessons they carry. I am no better than anyone else. I accept everyone for who they are, is it so much to ask that I be accepted for who I am?

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

What a ride!!

Hang on tight, the ride is about to hit the bumps where if you aren't careful, you become part of the track. Smooshed under the ride, trying to figure out what just happened.

The ride is almost always amazing, which is why we go and stand back in line, patiently waiting for our turn to come around again. Everyone usually gets a chance to feel the exhilaration of the ride as it slowly climbs to the top. Some people choose to get off while it is still moving fairly slow and they can exit without hardly any bumps or bruises, but by choosing to take the easy exit, they miss out on the excitment of things to come and the slight chance that they will pull in at the end of the ride and finally get to more rides, for there is always another ride.

Others choose to hold a little tighter and finish the climb, just long enough to see the rest of the track out in front of them and then decide that it is going to be too much of a ride to handle and talk themselves out of going on with the rest of the ride. Whether it be out of fear or remembering what happened on the last ride, they exit left and go get back in line or they might even stand on the sideline for a while because it is more in their comfort zone. Either way it usually consists of one deciding they can't or won't finish the ride.

There are yet others that see the rest of the ride, buckle down, knowing it will be rough, knuckles go white and smiles go broad for the excitment and possiblity of endless joy of the ride is worth the pain and discomfort that goes along with being on the ride. There is a lot of work that is required to get to the end, which in reality, is just the beginning.

Some of us have chosen time and time again to get back onto the ride, only to be thrown back on the track, getting munched by the ride that we were so enjoying. So how is it that one person can be so exhilerated by the experience only to be blindsided out of the ride? I honestly have come to see that, in most instances, it isn't that the other rider doesn't care anymore, but has found reasons, excuses, ect. and talked themselves out of being on the ride out of fear of seeing the end and having to "give up" things in their life rather than focusing on what they could potentially gain.

Just a thought: Anything worth having is hard work, but well worth the fight!

So why do I continue to choose to get back on the ride when I know that there are bumps and bruises, hurt and pain, because eventually I will make it to the end and find that it was all worth it and that the lessons I learned on each on of the trips helped me to become the person that I am. But most importantly, people that I shared those rides with hold a special place in my heart that will never be given to another person and the more love you give and allow yourself to receive, the greater your ability to love the next time. Some of the dearest friends I have today, have been on such a ride with me.


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