Call me slow….I am clueless!

Typically emotional throw up is not something that spews from my mouth or in this case from my fingers, so forgive me while I vent for a moment…it will be brief.

I am a confident individual. I know what I believe and, although I am far from being perfect in anything, I strive everyday to better myself. I, like most, have had to fight for everything that I have. Nothing has been handed to me. I have better days than others, but for the most part I am comfortable with what I have accomplished in this crazy world including physically, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually and socially.

There is one area in which I don’t know up from down, at least when it comes to my own life. Unfortunately because of a few different variables (ie living in Utah and still being single when I am older than 23), it is an area that is brought to my attention far more than I would have it be there. The statements and questions have been forthcoming since last week and accelerated this weekend. There is never any harm meant and I usually take it in stride as the rhetorical question is almost always quickly followed by several compliments, however I have never had to deal with it in such a concentrated time frame.

“Why aren’t you married?” in question form and “I just don’t understand why you aren’t married.” in statement form. Then it is always followed by, “you are so fun, intelligent, put together and beautiful.” To this I have learned to just shrug my shoulders and thank them for the nice words. I wish I had an answer. I don't. I received two doses of this on Saturday. Sunday was not any easier. Actually, it was around four hours of being hammered with people saying about the same thing and then walking away shaking their heads like I had some sort of disease that would cause a horrible death and they were unsure of how to comfort me. If it ended at this I wouldn’t have an issue, but it didn’t.

I have discovered through a few people that I am also hindering a friend and that is unacceptable to me and is probably the reason behind my frustration. There has been talk going around that there are quite a few men that are interested in her and yet they won’t ask her out because she hangs out with me. This causes them to think that she is like me, which must be horrible because it stops them from acting on their interest. I know that I have a strong personality. I know that I am independent. I know that I like to be in the middle of everything. I know, I know. I’m sorry, but don’t think that just because I am overbearing that the people that hang out with me are the same way. I have an idea. Have some guts and quit using me as an excuse!

Okay I’m done. Sorry, here is a towel to clean that up.

Wait for it, wait for it!

In two weeks I am going to Moab. Then my birthday hits sometime right after we get back. In April one of my dear friends is getting married and I was invited to attend his sealing. In June I am going to Boston. Sometime this summer I am going to go skydiving for the first time. In September I am going on a cruise.

This concept of time seems so foreign to me when I think about it. I always seem to be thinking ahead and what is going to occur next. For some reason my brain always jumps to the “what next” question. Don’t get me wrong I always enjoy the activity while it occurs. While I am in Italy, I am in Italy. When I am bowling, I am bowling (well at least attempting). It is on the plane/car ride home that my mind automatically thrusts forward to what will be waiting and what I will do next.

Stop the madness!! How does one just live in the present without being concerned about what will happen tomorrow?

Climbing to the top.

Living in the great state of Utah, mountain ranges have decorated the backdrop of the sky my entire life. In Southern Utah they are bright red. To this day as I make the journey in between where I live now and there, I search for the changing mountain colors to signify the closeness of being home. As soon as the red peaks meet my eyes, there is a calm, comforting feeling that leaps into my heart.

Here in Northern Utah the mountains change colors with the seasons. Winter they are snow capped, Spring they are blossoming green, Summer they have a tendency to be green and brown and Fall they glow as a fire as the leaves change. Regardless, they are always welcoming and beautiful. The first thing I look for through the plane window when returning home from an extended visit to another part of the world are my mountains.

Those that have a beach, visit the beach. I have spectacular mountains, so I hike. There are so many trails that can be conquered. So many that it would be improbable for one person to experience every one of them. This leaves each hiker to carefully choose the trails on which they want to journey, realizing that they must give up what lies on another trail for the one decided. This choice always leaves me excited about what is ahead and a little saddened by the thought of what I will miss. However without a choice I would never get anywhere.

I have been up a few trails. I say only a few because with the vast amounts of possible trails, even just here in Utah, I am definitely not an experienced hiker. There are trails on which I have become very comfortable and familiar. I continue to go back to them because the hike gets easier whenever I set out on it an additional time. I know what to expect. I know what to carry with me. I know how fast I can take it. I know how much further to the top. I know how much shade I will hit and when it is best to rest. The more experience I have with the trail, the more my ability to love the journey because I know what to look for and I am better prepared.

Hiking is not for the weak. I am a slow hiker. I have a tendency to stop and in a sense “smell the roses”. I enjoy taking in the sights and sounds. At times I get frustrated because there are others passing me and getting to the top long before me when I left far before they even got out of bed. However when I get to the top and realize all that I enjoyed that was missed by those hurrying to make it to the end, I feel invigorated and know the time I spent was priceless. I have learned that it is okay if I am left behind because I always see them up at the top, for I always make it to the top. The views are always worth the scraps and bruises and pain that may come later.

“I believe friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.”

Just call me Grace! Not because that is my name, but because I find it difficult to walk at times. To date, I have yet to slip and fall on ice this winter and have to trash another pair of jeans because I have managed to put holes in the knees. I lost two pair last year. Ice, the littlest step up or down, a crack in the sidewalk, a pebble, or a twig….my feet will find it. The grandest part about the whole thing is that it always gives those who witness the event a side-splitting laugh. When I was younger, it wasn’t so funny to me. Now however, I find it just as hilarious as those around me.

Sometimes I find that life had discovered this weakness in my step and purposely creates obstacles which are scattered all over the road on which I am traveling. I focus so much on all the little pebbles and twigs and cracks that I forget to look up every once in a while to not only continue in the correct direction, but to realize that there are larger items which congest the walkway. These are far more painful, in every sense, in which to collide for not only do they causes bumps and bruises, but can completely halt progression forward for a moment. How do I get back up? After I am up, how do I get around, over, through this huge obstacle? How do I change so that I don’t run into any more of them?

Investigating the walkway in front of me, realization of friends and family scattered about cause comfort and peace to enter into my heart. How do I get back up when I broke my wings upon collision….by using the hand of those that are surrounding me and are lovingly offering! How do I get around, over, through this huge obstacle…one step at a time and through finding those I love and trust calling out and encouraging me the entire way! How do I change so that I don’t run into any more of them…..look up to the One who forgives and makes our wings, not only heal, but makes them better than they were before the collision!

Once upon a time there was this girl who hated nothing more than being stuck with a needle. Well she had a chipped tooth that had to be fixed and so she went back to the dentist this morning. She was unaware that he was going to have to numb her mouth in order to fix the tooth or she may have just lived with the chip since nobody could see it anyway. So he put the needle in her mouth and surprisingly she made it through, but just as he was pulling the needle out of her mouth all the power in the building went out. Dun, dun dun!! This of course meant that none of the dental tools would work since they were powered by electricity. So she sat in the chair with thoughts of having to come back again another time and have to endure that ugly needle again danced in her head. Luckily, 15 minutes later the power came back on and she was able to have the work finished. She left happy and numb. The
End!!

Pencils, paper, sharpener, colored pencils and scissors.

Last night a group of us went to the Humanitarian Center and spent a couple of hours putting together school supplies in book bags. We learned that the bags were going to be delivered to children in Israel. Although we were laughing and having a grand time of making fun of the different materials which the bags were made of, there was an underlying feeling that truly this small gesture would make a difference in the life of these children and they would love them.

Honestly as I have been reflecting on the whole concept of what we were doing last night, the realization of how incredibly spoiled I have been my whole life has come into perspective……again. Every time I volunteer at the food bank or help serve food at the Salvation Army or donate items to Desert Industries or make quilts for the Humanitarian Center or spend any time in serve projects, I naturally become extremely more grateful for what I have had and what I do have in my life.

I didn’t come from a home where we ever had money. I was raised in a three bedroom, single wide trailer home where I shared a room with my three sisters. We had two sets of bunk beds which barely fit into the room and made for good secret sharing and giggling at bed time. My brothers were in one room and my parents in the other. Even that got to be too expensive and so we pick up and moved onto the campus of Dixie College where my parents worked as the dorm parents. This took away the stress of a mortgage/rent payment, along with water and utility bills. I started babysitting when I was 9 in order to earn some spending money and started working for a company at the age of 15 and have had a job ever since.

However I did come from a home where I had both my mom and my dad (still married by the way), with three sisters and three brothers and more love than I could have ever deserved. We played together and worked together. Sure we had our problems, but I was always secure in the fact that I never had to doubt that I was safe and protected in this world with my family. I also always had a roof over my head and food on the table. Store bought clothes were rare, but my talented mom sewed us incredible clothes. We were taught to love to read. We always had books to find ourselves submersed in a new world. We had everything that we needed, not wanted, but needed.

Now I find that I have a few of the extras that were not afforded as I grew up. I put myself through college and have worked hard to be in the position I am today. I also have found that I would give up every one of those extras to gain a relationship as strong as my parents. Eye-opening experiences that put life into the correct perspective probably don’t occur enough. However as I walked down the stairs last night out of the Humanitarian Center and saw the pictures of all those children who will never know or enjoy all the peace, comfort, security and love that I have enjoyed, my heart was truly grateful.

Crab legs and Gerber Daisies!

Last night a few of my girlfriends and I had a fabulous dinner of crab legs, homemade rolls and cheese potatoes. It was our celebration of this lovely holiday that I prefer to acknowledge as Cupid Passover. I am positive that I will not always acknowledge this holiday with the above aforementioned title, but will continue to do so until Cupid lands on arrow straight into the heart of the man that will love me for the rest of eternity.

I am feeling the love today. My cute baby sister came into my work with her hand full of Gerber Daisies and a huge hug for me. My oldest sister has called me twice today sending her love for herself and two of my favorite nieces. Several friends have also called and made my day. What a wonderful life to have so many people around who I know care about me and are willing to share their time and energy on me. Much love to all of you!!!

“They say of some temporal suffering, ‘No future bliss can make up for it,’ not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory.”
The Great Divorce – CS Lewis


Happiness is found in the smallest corners of our lives. As many things that go wrong and don’t turn the way in which we would like, there are hidden treasures that are quietly waiting for discovery.

Swimming upstream!

I had an incredible conversation with my dad late on Saturday night. The words of wisdom which he shared with me are ones that I will add to my savings bank for days that don’t seem to be going my way.

He explained to me that in this life it is our opportunity to either build our strength or to atrophy. The only way to build strength is to have opposition. We have the choice to either swim upstream against the current or we can choose to just float on down, not realizing that at the end there is a waterfall sucking us away from all the joys of being up in the calm waters at the top.

Swimming upstream is not easy. Actually it is frustrating. There are always individuals ahead of me and they don’t even seem to be struggling to continue on their own personal journey. Then there are the individuals that just float on by that seem to just be enjoying the ride without a care. There are times I seem to get ahead and there are times that I know that even as hard as I am swimming, I never move out of the same place. Those are the times that I seem to build the strongest muscles that eventually empower me to serge forward and get out of not only that spot, but the experience to not get stuck in future spots.

Everyone may be in the same river, but we each have our own rocks, twigs, logs, force of the current, ect. with which we have to deal. It is a matter of continuing to swim forward and not allowing ones self to float downstream. I am ready for a few more class one rapids rather than these class five rapid that I have been swimming against as of late. Actually one of my class five rapids quickly dispersed to a class one when my mom came through her quintuple bypass surgery on Friday with flying colors, for that I am extremely grateful.

Only through the sands of time.

Standing on the middle of a beach, the realization of the abundance of particles of sand that are to be found just in this one small portion of the earth awakens the mind to an overwhelming sense of moments inclusive in each life. How many memories does the mind hold? How many times do we carelessly wander through the ticks of time and not realize the amazing world happening around us and thus to us? How many particles of sand strain through our fingers and away from us forever without a second thought? How many represent friends; old, new, never discovered, passed by, misjudged, dismissed, loved, needed…….? How many represent work, school, family……?

Sometimes the winds on our small portion of the beach are blowing so strong that we helpless watch as the sands are spun and swirled all about us, but the ability to capture any single piece becomes frustrating. At these times, experience has taught that it is most productive and enjoyable to lie down and watch the winds draw pictures of the changing sands as they blow around us. Eventually the winds will cease and then one has a brand new area of the beach in which to play. There is excitement of knowing that some of the sand that we were comfortable, while maybe in a new place, are still there and the awesome discovery of the unknown sand that has now entered our beach.

Other times the winds and elements are calm. Reflection, gathering, enjoying and strengthening of that which is around should encompass our energy. Placing of the hurts where the winds can carry them away the next time they blow and engraving of the blessings in stone as to always remember and never let them go.